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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2015 2:47 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:33 am
Posts: 3
Hi.
First I want to start by saying how thankful I am to have found this community. While it saddens me to know, there are others going through similar experiences to mine, with similar pain, I am comforted to find I am not alone. That there are others working on healing and recovery, who can offer words of solace and wisdom through their own experience.

I have been married for almost a year now. I met my husband a week before Christmas eve 2012. Our first few days together were magical. I had just gotten my parents back after 20 years of amphetamine addiction. I have since then been diagnosed with C-PTSD, a complex for of PTSD. My chaotic childhood left me neglected and full of anxiety. I had few romantic relationships growing up. Most were unhealthy, really even friendships...they weren't healthy either. So, when I went to college, and left my chaotic family behind, to discover myself, I ended up finding that I didn't feel I was living up to my potential. I thought I fell in love with a man, who turned out to be gay. I decided to start really living for me. I lost 60 pounds, had A's andB's, and guys started to notice me. After a failed date with a guy I'd met "organically" I joined dating websites. Now, maybe that should have been my first clue when the first few guys didn't work out. On our first meeting I explained to him, that I had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and he told me he had been diagnosed with ADD. His parents told me all the time,how he had it. Now, he didn't really believe he had it. And for a long time I didn't notice it. He told me he was going into the military, and not looking for anything serious, which I appreciated. And of course life never works out according to plan, and we fell in love. A few weeks in, however, he had planned to pick me up after he got off work to come home with him. He, later asked if I minded if he went out for a drink with a friend first. The friend, apparently never showed up,but he checked into the bar on facebook. Around 10, 11 p.m. he picks me up and brings me to his house. I notice him, next to me in the bed, trying what seems to me to be to hide his phone/ what he's doing on it. Fast forward to the next morning. He had been telling me since we met how I was "an amazing woman" his "Christmas present come early". He asked me to be exclusive 5 days after we met. He would say things I was thinking. It was like we were in sync completely. Now, I knew it was wrong, but his phone had a password, and I had figured it out. He was in the living room,vacuuming his parents dog with the dyson. We were going to go have lunch and walk the dog on the beach. I had to look though. I had an overwhelming urge. I'm sure I'm not alone in that, unfortunately. I looked through texts, actually feeling optimistic I would most likely find only validation of his feelings for me. That he was too good to be true, because thus far I hadn't been able to trust many people. Hoping to find him telling his friends about me, and how he felt. Instead I found mostly regular bro conversation,vague...but one message...all it said was "goodnight *Macy" (*name changed). Which I found strange, so I went further, only to find sexual talk and photos. I confronted him and admitted my wrongdoing for looking. I apologised. Everything was so new. I started by asking "Who is Macy?". He gets this dumbfounded look on his face when I confront him. Like he knows he's been caught, but not sure exact for what. I cried and shook. Had a panic attack. He followed me around silent and sad. I opened up to him. Told him,I felt this was real. Told him about all my pain, how I grew up. And he seems so sincere. I forgave, but never forget. The nagging is almost always there. He asked me to move in with him though, to find a place together after about 3 months together. He talked about marriage in the shower. When I would ask if he really wanted to be in the military, he would tell me it was necessary to support our family. I'd ask what family and he'd say him, and I, a dog, and eventually kids. I fell so hard so fast. I stayed over at his moms when he lived there and then at his dad's. No one would rent a room or place to an unmarried couple it seemed, where we were living,but we did practically live together . Throughout that time he partied a lot, went out with coworkers. I wouldn't get invited. Just an early morning call, sometimes 2 a.m.,sometimes 6 a.m. he would ask to cuddle and shower at my place since he'd been out all night. Being insecure, not that it justifiesit, but I hope it will help others to understand,I lost it a few times. I got into his facebook, and his skype. Found him inviting a girl over, he wrote "I'll make you feel good ;)". He swears he only hot tubbed, clothed, and gave her a massage. That, that was what he was talking about. He was with me all day the next day, however, and never said a word about having a friend over. He eventually went to boot camp. We had had all these talks about his behavior before he left and I started to notice the ADD/ADHD more, and see what his parents were talking about. We had been together 8 months when he went to bootcamp, and it was the longest we'd been apart. Only letter writing was allowed, and his letters were scarce because of his unit. Phone calls were rare, and for 8 weeks I felt like someone had torn my soul from me and I couldn't breathe. I was a robot. I would go class, and then work, and then go home and get stoned while I studied. I kept to myself, and never really made any substantial friendships, just classroom acquaintances and my man's friends. All I thought about was him, I was devoted. After boot camp he was assigned a school, across the country. While I finished school, he would be working/ doing his own school. And we would support and love one another from a distance for a temporary amount of time. For about a year he was gone, and I flew about 5 times. Spent all the money I had on plane tickets and hotels. Not once did I stray, not that I really had an opportunity, at least not anyone I wanted. All I wanted was him. About a year and a half into our relationship, he asked my father's permission to marry me. Surprised my mom kept it to herself for the week that she did, but everyone was so happy. We belong together they say. Now a week after he proposed, I was home for my father's birthday. This time it came to me. I checked the "other messages" category on Facebook for some reason. In it was a message from a female, asking me if I was *Mike D****'s gf??? And a picture of him in his boxers in a bathroom mirror. He claimed he must have been hacked. That someone invaded one of our private sessions over skype, and he felt so violated. He cried, and told me he didn't sleep. That he talked to someone else on base and it had happened to them before too, so AGAIN I blew it off, but told him, this was all still suspicious. Another time, we skyped and I noticed a hickey on his neck, and he is right he does bruise easily. I barely touch his neck he gets a hickey, but why not tell me a girl bit him at the rave he went to? That that happened and he pushed her away? It just seems like lie, after lie after lie. And for some reason, although I knew it was a huge deal, I married him three months after he proposed because he was getting his orders and we were going to be married anyway eventually, so why not be together? Have the military help us pay for a wedding and have us live together, because we had been apart nine months, with only occasional visits from each other? It made sense. We did it, he came home on his crosscountry road trip for a few weeks.I was in my last semester of school. I had taken summer courses to graduate and be with him, start my life earlier. No matter what, I usually remember the time he brought me food to help my seratonin levels after my insurance ran out, and I had been out of Meds for 3 days, in a final exam. He picked me up and took care of me. He took care of me when I got sick our first valentine's day, even though it was his birthday, and so on and so forth. But now, I've graduated. I have almost no friends. The gay friend, I mentioned earlier, became my best friend, and he moved with us when my husband got stationed two states away from my family and his and our whole lives. That didn't last long, for various reasons. But like I began, we've been married almost a year. Immediately after he came home and left to his new base, he was deployed. He came back early and my friend and I went up to meet him and find a place. That was almost about 6 months or so ago. Now two months ago, he had a duty day which meant he'd be at work for about 36 hours. He left around 5 a.m. so when he got a text at 9 a.m., and it buzzed on his dresser and woke me up, I looked. The text said "morning? ??" And it drove me nuts. I looked up the number and saw it was registered to a city nearby. I responded asking who it was. Hoping for a wrong number. 4 hours of pure torture on my body. Shaking, hard to breathe, I finally got a response back. "This is Selly, we meet on fling". I called the number. She told me they'd been texting, they met on a website, he wanted to meet but they never did. I called his work, and he ended up coming home. My friend who was still living there, told me to pack a bag and we planned on staying in a hotel for the night. I said I was leaving him. I couldn't take the lies and betrayal and pain anymore, I had had enough in this lifetime. He cried, threatened suicide, or at least hinted at it. Said he wouldn't be able to live without me. Another time he even fainted when I thought about it again. I didn't leave, though because I felt like I made a promise, a committment, and I couldn't just walk away. That maybe, this could make us stronger. He's called the resources his command has given him. Tried to set up an appointment for marriage counseling because he wants to try. The counselor/therapist 8s about an hour away though, and my friend had been using our vehicle for work, plus my husband was getting ready to leave and so he was working 12-36 hour days. I told him not to take the time off, because I don't want to jeopardize his work. He says we come first. After deployment being put on hold, the date changed an annoying number of times, he left, and I came back to see my family for a few weeks. I haven't spoken with him in about two weeks when he got to go ashore and make a phone and skype call to me. Now, who knows what he did while he was there. We can only e-mail now, and I havent received any from him in about two weeks now. It's difficult. And that's how I got here. My mother-in-law who is a strong beautiful, independent woman, who I respect,fear and adore. She got me a job working for a long time friend of hers, who is now disabled. I recently went to see this friend, who I grew incredibly close to my few months assisting her, doing her errands, etc.

Now this woman, who I'll call P, is remarkable. She's been with a woman,who is now a man, and was married to a man who is now a woman. She was there when my husband was born. And so I've told my sister now, my friend, and then my uncle, and then my aunt. But being away from people I trust and know has left this heavy weight on me, and so I just burst and confided in her. Now all this time, I thought it was just ADd/ADHD, but she confided back to me that her ex-husband, now transitioned to a woman was a person who always was brilliant, and could pick up anything just like that! Then they would get bored and start something completely new, which later souneed to me like ADD when I thought about it. She told me though, that he had a sex addiction, and that that's what it sounded like to her. Doing some elementary Internet research,I've come to find that like with my C PTSD, depression and anxiety, a lot of this stuff is related to each other. So, here I am now, sharing my story with people who have had a similar experience, because I only just learned about this a week ago, and I'm trying to understand. Trying to figure where I go from here, and what my healthiest option is. I've found addresses in his phone, now that he's gone. I feel like on the way home, his cross country roadtrip, he looked up women on dating sites and craiglist, and actually met with them.

I'm just wondering how others may have dealt with a relapse? How it feels for the partner, deceiving and betraying someone who loves and trusts them?
Any words of advice on forgiveness or forgiveness exercises? Is anyone else here involved with a military spouse, and if so can you tell about some more resources? I'm eager to learn anything I can about this, because I can understand addiction and illness, and begin to heal if I can have a deeper understanding.
Thanks for reading. -K


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:34 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Hello SirenScreaming -

Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be.

Quote:
I'm just wondering how others may have dealt with a relapse? How it feels for the partner, deceiving and betraying someone who loves and trusts them?
Any words of advice on forgiveness or forgiveness exercises? Is anyone else here involved with a military spouse, and if so can you tell about some more resources? I'm eager to learn anything I can about this, because I can understand addiction and illness, and begin to heal if I can have a deeper understanding.


These are all important questions that you can find answers to. I encourage you to start the partner's lessons on your own healing thread. I found them to be enormously helpful in gaining an understanding of this addiction, of the impact on me, and most importantly, what I needed to do to heal. And, feel free to continue to post to the partners community forum. There is a very healing community of partners who are healing from the devastation of their partners addiction(s).

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 1:43 am 
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Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:33 am
Posts: 3
Thank you dnell <3


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