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 Post subject: Venting
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 3:04 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
I am walking around, exhausted, wired, bubbling with unheard rage. I am sighing loudly without knowing it, just to release something inside. I am lonely, but desperately wanting to be left alone. I am sickened by him, but desperate for the companionship of the person I made up. I am angry at having my relationship taken away from me. I am angry at having to ut up with a child. I am furious at being conned into this and treated like nothing. I am repulsed by the way he treats me, but paralysed by exhausted inertia to leave.

I do everything in the house. I pay for everything in our lives. I am loyal and faithful and pretty and kind and fun. I love sex. I am intelligent and wise and supportive. I am no angel, but I am a great partner, and I am pulling 99% of the weight for our lives.

While he does nothing. He does nothing in his business and makes no money month after month. He does nothing inner house unless I take the lead. He doesn't seem to see that floors need sweeping, or beds need making, or washing needs hanging.

He recently told me nothing has changed, and he is going to start RN again as he didnt put effort in and his view is the same. I am obese, and anorexia is king, and anyone thinner than me is better. He admitted to living a lie so far in recovery, recovery of two years. I have been telling him that that is what i think he is doing, just white knuckling it from day to day without porn, not actually making any change. but he has come up with lie after lie after lie about it.

When I was upset about what he told me, I got punished. I got screamed at, strangled, left crying on the floor. I didnt get listed to, or comforted. I spent six days begging him to just be nice to me, because ealing with that was difficult enough. If he could just hold me and let me cry. Nothing.

I have reasoned with him, I have threatened leaving, I have expressed my hurt. Nothing. A blank hateful stare is all i get. Like perhaps I created this. If I talk to him, he says I love to fight. If I ask him to be kind to me, he says I take too much time out of his life.

I have given up now. And now he is acting like the sweetest person on the planet, but nothing he offers is real. He doesn't come to me and address the elephant in the room, ironically, I think that elephant is supposed to be me - lol. He just comes and talks shit about something random and laughs, or speaks in a baby voice which makes me want to throttle him. Be a man for God sake.

I have anger inside me like I have never experienced. I am on a diet. I have lost four kg so far. I am going to show him what his dream body looks like in real life. I am 180 tall and he wants me to weigh 59kg. Lets see how he likes skeletons unreal life.

I am so furious. He can't talk without creaming at me. He can't give without expecting back. He can't communicate. He can't have a conversation that isn't confilct. He can't take responsibility. He can't stop calling names and being abusive. He can't keep a promise. He can't tell the truth. He can't move forward. He can't deal with anything.

He makes promised hat next time will be better. Nothing. Hesays he is going to work hard this time. Nothing.

He has done nothing for two years, while I have done everything. Under the pretence that he is working hard on it. What a slap in the face. It meant nothing to him. No where near enough to even try. To do one thing. Nothing.

I think I hate him. The person that was the love of my life. I think I hate him.


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 Post subject: Re: Venting
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 8:39 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 650
Quote:
I am walking around, exhausted, wired, bubbling with unheard rage. I am sighing loudly without knowing it, just to release something inside. I am lonely, but desperately wanting to be left alone. I am sickened by him, but desperate for the companionship of the person I made up. I am angry at having my relationship taken away from me. I am angry at having to ut up with a child. I am furious at being conned into this and treated like nothing. I am repulsed by the way he treats me, but paralysed by exhausted inertia to leave.


Oh, karlab, I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I could have written these words. I hope you find some solace in that you are not alone.

All of these feelings...they are reasonable. They are a reasonable response to your situation. I honor all these feelings in myself and in you. It's taken me a while to realize that I need to allow myself to feel all of this in order to heal and move forward. It's hard. It's slow. I have learned to be gentle and patient with myself.

The inertia we feel is awful. I hate it. But, it is so reasonable. We are suffering from trauma. And we live with the person who caused that trauma. My husband himself, absent all the behavior you describe, is a trigger. Having that get easier to handle takes time. As I continue to detach, and as my individual therapy with a trauma specialist has helped me, I am slowly getting back my energy. And that energy will be devoted to making me feel better...to doing things for me that are in my best interest. Think of how much energy it takes just to get through the day, let alone process what has happened to us. To be able to calmly assess our options, plan for alternatives, figure out our futures....that takes so much energy. I have learned to celebrate baby steps in getting more energy and focusing it on myself.

Quote:
I am obese, and anorexia is king, and anyone thinner than me is better.
You are beautiful. I wish I could give you a warm hug to let you know how beautiful you are. Porn. It is so damaging. We know from research that even looking at it briefly makes men devalue the real women in their lives and to see us an unattractive. Is there any more proof that he sees you and all women as objects? The cruel things my husband has said to me about my body, my sexuality, my femininity...I am not sure I can ever forget them or ever forgive them. And I don't even want to think about what he thought and did not say. It would be devastating. But remember, it is not about us. Look at Tiger Woods wife. She looked like what my husband thinks is the ideal and she still got abused. And, weren't our husbands supposed to love us for who we were?

And, honestly, let's objectify our husbands for a minute. Are they really the sexual hunks they seem to think they are? I think in their minds it doesn't matter since women/girls are objects that should serve them for just their needs. Who cares about the object's needs. I could be just as cruel to my husband as he is to me and I don't do that. Honestly, he would be a puddle on the floor if I said even one of the cruel comments he has said to me.

So, your husband is clearly not in recovery. He continues to be selfish and immature. As my husband's addiction progressed, so did his cruelty and his selfishness and laziness. Let me say something really mean: acting like this, do you think even an anorexic sex worker would want these men?

One boundary I have made is that my husband can not say anything negative about my body. I've also said if he does say something negative, I will comment on his body as well. They don't seem to get that part....that we could do the same thing. Stunning, that self absorption.

Quote:
If I talk to him, he says I love to fight. If I ask him to be kind to me, he says I take too much time out of his life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....I got this too. What a pile of BS.

So, there is just so much cruelty and craziness with our husbands because of their addictions. When I got this, really got this, and I wasn't able to detach enough, what helped me was to think about every move I made was about protecting me from hurt. Every single thing. So, if I started to get hurt by my husband, I would walk away or go for a walk or a go for a drive. When the focus was on protecting me, I didn't care about whether or not he was acting out. Realizing I just did not have to listen to his BS was a huge relief. Focusing on staying safe really helped me to start to detach.

Then I was able to focus on doing things that made me feel better. And, as I felt better, I could start to think more clearly about my options. I am now more clear about starting to plan for my alternatives. And, I really need to get out and build a new life for myself and I'm just starting to get the energy to do that.

My individual therapy has been a life saver for me. My husband is in active recovery. He is changing. But, he has a long way to go. And while I am healing on my own, developing some trust in my husband is going to take a long time. His recovery and healing will take a long time. I acutely feel time and hate my inertia, but am gentle about it.

karlab, you deserve all the wonderful things you want. You deserve joy and serenity. You do not deserve this abuse. Know you are not alone. Today, do something, anything, for you that makes you feel better.

In solidarity,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Venting
PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2015 6:01 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
Thank you so much!

Can I ask, why do we stay?

Its so helpful having woman to talk to.

Im afraid even if I stop hating him I wont love him.


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 Post subject: Re: Venting
PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:56 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 650
I could write a book to answer each of your important questions based on my experiences....

Quote:
Can I ask, why do we stay?


Why I stay has changed over the past year. My reasons for staying have been both healthy and unhealthy. RN and individual therapy has gotten me to be more healthy. Since the answer to your question is very personal for each of us I can only offer some of my thoughts:

- It is okay not to know whether or not to stay. It is okay to muddle to figure this out.
- At first, after D-day, I was so emotionally distraught that I could not make serious, life altering decisions in a constructive way. I was too traumatized and did not even realize how traumatized I was. Leaving means I have to make a thoughtful, well planned decision and I was in no state to make that decision.
- That said, it was important to figure out bottom line boundaries. What will you not tolerate that would make you leave regardless of your situation. It took me a while to figure out these boundaries and to know that I really would leave. And these boundaries must be communicated to your partner.
- I came to really understand that Jon was right in saying it is better to make values based decisions, not emotionally based decisions. Staying or going is hard to decide when we are in such emotional turmoil.
- Unhealthy reasons to stay are fear of being alone, fear of abandonment, fear of "hurting" our partners, fear of what they will do, fear of what people would say, fear of never finding anyone else.
- Reasonable reasons to stay include financial or health considerations, children or other dependents, home or business issues.
- Another reason to stay is that we see someone in our partners beyond the addict. Are there any good memories? Any good times together? Or, we want to wait and see who they could become. Could they become a healthy person? And, I think Jon gave great advice when he said the real crisis of the decision to stay or go is IF they become healthy, are they the kind of men we want to stay with. We can't know until they get healthy.
- Or maybe you know you want to go and just are not ready. Maybe you need the time to get ready.
- Finally, my therapist has said to me that regardless of the outcome of my marriage, she advises me to stay now so that I can learn the skills of boundary setting, of recognizing what is healthy and not healthy in a relationship, in healing.

Feel free to post your thoughts if it would help. I believe every partner here has struggled or is struggling with this question.

Quote:
Im afraid even if I stop hating him I wont love him.


What would that mean to you if it became true....that you stopped loving him? How do you feel and think about this? I think this is a really important issue to contemplate. I guess what I want to get at is that if you did stop loving him that it doesn't make you a bad or unlovable or unloving person.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Venting
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 4:44 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
i think if it meant that if i stopped hating him, and loving him, basically i would have no reward, no prize, no magical outcome. that it would just have been a relationship where i put a lot in, hurt a lot, then waled away. and that would piss me off. there is no pot f gold at the end of the rainbow. actually no rainbow. lol. thats what it would mean, and it would make me angry. the waste of time and the waste of love.

he is doing RN now, but just lying his way thorough it. minimising and being stupid and not being open. he says he will do things and never does. he just annoys me.


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 Post subject: Re: Venting
PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2015 10:40 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hello karlab,

I have moved your posts "venting" and "unease" to this forum, so that others can respond and benefit from your post and from the guidance provided by our mentoring/coaching team. If you do not want these in the Community support forum, let me know and I will merge them to your healing thread.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: Re: Venting
PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 2:22 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Karlab - you have not wasted this time. I am sure you did not spend 100% of your time on the relationship. I am sure that, like all of us, you have learned and grown massively since d-day. You could if you choose walk away knowing you gave it your best shot and the failure to move forward was his, not yours. He has abused you, you haven't abused him or yourself. Every day each of us grows stronger, even though some of those days fell us; even though some days we would rather not exist and just want to curl up and cry forever.

We cannot judge our successes by their failures, or look at and judge ourselves through their distorted lenses. We can't let the addiction live rent-free in our heads. Judge yourself by your values, not his. Be the highest expression of you. It is in you.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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