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PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 8:05 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have two children. He's always been loving and supportive, but we've had our issues with differences in our personalities. I'm not sure if we've ever been 100% honest or real with each other, for lots of reasons, but I always let it go and worked through & around it, because I didn't think it was bad enough to make a big issue of it. We've always tried to support each other and make a good home for our children and we've had a lot of good times along the way. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, when he revealed to me that he'd been addicted to porn for about a year (I'm assuming longer, because he always tried to make things look better than they are).. he had also engaged in sexting, but not video sex apparently. I don't think he's slept with anyone else, but I don't know what to believe anymore. I was in absolute shock and still am, and couldn't understand how we had gotten to this place.

He wants to be intimate with me and I can see that he needs it, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel so incredibly sad, betrayed and sometimes angry. I find it so difficult to see past the addiction to the man he is / was, and I'm immersed in his betrayal at the moment. He kept this huge thing from me for so long and I feel angry that he still thinks we can have sex when he won't talk to me on any real level. I have to initiate any conversation we have, or it won't happen. I feel that if I allow us to be intimate again, he'll feel it's ok to not talk to me, brush it all under the carpet and all will be ok. Has anyone else faced this? We are both seeing therapists separately atm, and it is early days. I still have so many questions about his addiction and want to be able to talk about how I'm feeling, but he doesn't seem to have the capacity to hear it right now.

I also struggle with the thought that it was 'just porn', i.e. he didn't have an affair or anything... but it's so much more than that. It feels like he did have an affair, or that he effectively 'left' us while using the porn.

I'm so glad to have found this site, as I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, other than my therapist. It's incredibly hard to go through this alone.

Thanks in advance for any advice / support you might be able to offer.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:24 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 650
Dear Beachcomber - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am so sorry you have to be here, but this is a healing place to be.

The partners her can understand what you are going through. Of course it is a shock to discover our husband's, or partner's, secret life. And of course it feels like betrayal.

I encourage you to start the partner's lessons. I found them to be incredibly helpful to me in terms of understanding this addiction, understanding my situation and options, and getting my feet back under me.

As far as being physically intimate with your husband, trust yourself. If it does not feel right, do not do it. The focus now is on you, not your husband, You need to take care of you. Please be gentle with yourself. I understand what you are saying about physical intimacy and my feelings about this change over time.

Please also feel free to continue to post to the partners community forum which can provide a means of support.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2015 4:35 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Many thanks dnell.. I really appreciate your post. I have started on the partner's lessons and am working on my vision at the moment. It's really hard to start seeing yourself as separate from your partner and his process, when you've been a unit for so long, but it's also empowering and is helping me to focus on my healing a bit more. He is so distant and withdrawn in every way other than physical at the moment, which is why I can't bring myself to do it.. I know he's deep in his own pain right now, but I need to feel that we're being open with each other before I can be intimate. At the moment, it feels like one of two things might be going on... either he has something more to tell and is holding back from me emotionally because of it (which is how he was before he told me about his porn addiction), or he has temporarily lost the ability to relate to me emotionally because of porn. It feels like he's not fighting for us at all, even though he tells me he wants us to be together. There seems to be zero fight left in him. I wish I could understand what's going on in his head, although I know that's not where I need to focus at the moment.
Thanks again.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 26, 2015 10:52 am 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Beachcomber,
Your name caught my attention(I live at the beach 1/2 in winter) and your story, tho a bit different, is something I can relate to.......I remember the earliest days of discovery and finding RN and listening to him tell me only as much as he thought he could handle talking about. Hang in there, and find ways to take care of yourself. I'm 10 months into this and am told it's only the the beginning of a long journey.....blessings to you!!!!

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 26, 2015 5:19 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Thank you so much Kajer for your warm post. x


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