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 Post subject: New Perspective Question
PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2015 10:50 am 
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Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 1:57 pm
Posts: 94
I am trying this workshop again after many years of working the program with or without my partner but always before with the idea that I was "IN" a relationship with an addict but I wanted to continue my life with him. Though I still "wish" we could be together if things were different and admit that I enjoy our time together because lately we have spent time together, I want to approach my recovery without considering his addiction and his role in my life outside of its past effects. I don't want my recovery to necessarily consider him as a permanent part of my life. I have already learned that it is very, very unlikely he will take the steps to recover.

What I am asking is in the first part of the workshop, so much centers around understanding addiction and SA in particular. I will repeat these sections, but I am worried that it will move my focus onto his addition and how he ticks rather than what I am left with now; Many scars, many traumas and a desire to personally get healthy whether he is in my life or not. I spent the better part of 20 years "understanding" addiction, and analyzing my role in his addiction and hearing about his addiction and I admit in part 1 it is upsetting to have to revisit all of that now that my marriage is over. Do I have to do those exercises "as if" he is still an active part of my day to day life? I know I don't have to do anything, but should I if my goal is to move away from "about him to "about me?" Maybe It is the only way to healing form the effects of his addiction??

What have other partners who have made the move to end the committed relationship done? Plow through or skips those?


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2015 11:01 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
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newlifewife wrote:
I want to approach my recovery without considering his addiction and his role in my life outside of its past effects. I don't want my recovery to necessarily consider him as a permanent part of my life. I have already learned that it is very, very unlikely he will take the steps to recover.
....
Do I have to do those exercises "as if" he is still an active part of my day to day life? I know I don't have to do anything, but should I if my goal is to move away from "about him to "about me?" Maybe It is the only way to healing form the effects of his addiction??



Hi newlifewife,

You sound like you are already well on your way to a healthy place for yourself, and I applaud you for getting to this stage. It's not an easy feat to begin to really look fundamentally and exclusively at your needs. I am also sorry your partner has not chosen a path of health. As you probably know and are here to address, even though he has not chosen recovery, you can move forward with living the fullest life possible for yourself.

While I cannot answer from the same perspective you're at, I did do parts of the workshop (the vision comes specifically to mind) without regard for my husband in doing the lessons, for it was the only way I could imagine the sort of life I wanted for myself at that time.

The workshop is designed in many places to help partners grasp the fundamentals of addiction, so they can reframe their relationships and see patterns, trends and issues through the lens of their partners being addicted, and this takes some education.

Because you have already learned a lot about addiction, and recognize you may be putting yourself into an unhealthy place by focusing too heavily on revisiting those lessons, my advice is to either very briefly skim over those lessons (to ensure you aren't missing a critical component for your own growth, unrelated to focusing on his addiction) or simply skip them if you feel they are no longer relevant. Some of the lessons do intermingle both observations about addictive behavior AND work/reflection for the partner, so it may be good to focus on the parts relevant for you, and leave the rest.

There are no rights or wrongs here. For partners newly exposed to the realities of addiction, the entire workshop is strongly advised. For someone like you, trust yourself to know what is best for you in the place you are now.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2015 3:36 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 1:57 pm
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Excellent - thank you meepmeep. I don't want to skim because I am lazy or feel like I have seen it all (which I might be inclined to do)- I want to get all I can this time through. But when I started to read one particular lesson, my triggers started firing and I thought I'd better ask what the best practice is. I will skim those - make sure I don't see any relevant self help work buried within before I move on.

So appreciated! :g:


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