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 Post subject: Here I am again
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:40 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:42 pm
Posts: 5
Location: Canada
I am so drained. D-day for us was almost four years ago and in that time my husband has done very little to address his SA. Anytime that he has it has been at my instance. I totally understand the stigma that surrounds this and why he avoids dealing with it directly but it still causes me a great deal of anxiety and pain. I know he has not looked a porn in years and on some level I think he feels like that's enough. That his SA was just a symptom of his other problems. We both got help separately after d-day however his therapist was not equipped to help him. She was an occupational therapist who told him this but he did nothing to find someone who was more able. He was supposed to set-up couples therapy and it never happened.

Despite all of this I still decided to have another child with him based on false promises made by him. I conceived right away and once I started to show he stopped initiating sex with me. When I asked him why he lied to me. As if I don't know when he's lying after everything he's done. Although he never rejected me I still felt horrible. Since the birth of our youngest I've found it very hard to be intimate with him. I'm often distracted and can't climax, even if I do it's not strong like it used to be. I don't feel safe with him anymore because I don't trust him. He's made positive changes in his life but he still struggle to handle his problems on a daily basis in a healthy way.

It frustrates me to no end that he will not address his SA directly and that he won't admit he's white knuckling it. He has no problem looking into narcissistic behavior because he family has a lot of those traits but ask him about SA and he knows nothing. I feel like I don't matter. That our children don't matter, because his ego and anxiety are more important to feed than having a happy and healthy family.


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 Post subject: Re: Here I am again
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:41 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 650
Zouzou - I am so sorry you need to return to Recovery Nation, but this is a healing place to be. I went back and read your original healing thread and see that you had started the lessons.

Quote:
I don't feel safe with him anymore because I don't trust him. He's made positive changes in his life but he still struggle to handle his problems on a daily basis in a healthy way.


The partners here understand what you are saying. It is possible that your husband is abstinent, but not yet healthy. One of the things the lessons teach us is to trust our instincts and to listen to the alarm bells that ring in our heads and hearts. I found the lessons to be very helpful in helping me think through my trauma after my discovery of my husband's addictions. I think you could benefit from the lessons as well as you think about your life.

In the meantime, do you have anyone you can talk to about your situation? Can you talk with your husband about your feelings and concerns?

With deep compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Here I am again
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 8:05 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:42 pm
Posts: 5
Location: Canada
dnell I did speak to my husband about my concerns. I was hesitant at first because historically he's been very defensive about dealing with his SA directly. Much to my surprise and relief he has said he's going to come here for help. I feel that I'm in a better place now to continue with the lessons and my healing. I honestly feel as though a weight has been lifted at least for now.


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 Post subject: Re: Here I am again
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 9:16 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 650
Zouzou, I am relieved you are feeling better. And, I am relieved that you had a good conversation with your husband.

If you do the lessons, Jon gives very clear information about how to evaluate our partner's health. That is, he helped me understand what to see in my partner's behavior that would give me a sense of whether or not he was truly getting past his addictive behavior AND whether or not he was truly becoming healthy. And, by healthy, I mean a man who is mature, who takes responsibility for his behavior, is accountable for his behavior, is honest and transparent, who has developed empathy, who can handle his emotions, and who has learned the skills of intimacy.

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I am in marriage counseling and the counselor has told us that my husband MUST learn to get beyond defensiveness in talking about addiction. Staying defensive means he is still thinking only of himself and unable to understand my feelings and to empathize with them. And a non-empathetic person cannot have intimate relationships and is more likely to objectify. My husband needs to admit to himself in all honesty his past behaviors and to grasp the destructiveness of those behaviors to himself and others. For me, personally, continued defensiveness on my husband's part is a red flag of warning that he needs to work more on becoming healthy.

In solidarity,
dnell


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