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 Post subject: unease
PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2015 5:50 am 

Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
Im not really sure what to say here, or if its silly.

My partner is in recovery. He is trying for the second time now. After failing last time.

I remember in the beginning of our relationship, how sexy I found him, how sexual i felt. How intimate and expressive I was willing to be sexually and emotionally.

I don't feel that anymore.

I don't really like when he touches me, sleeps with me, looks at me. I don't really feel any need or desire to look pretty or sexy. I don't want to do makeup or but lingerie.

What for? He isn't looking anyway. If he is it isn't cos its me, its cos I have a vagina. He is looking at everyone. He is liking everyone else. He is lying. He is betraying me daily.

He thinks I am far too fat to be sexy, but has problems with everyone else. In shops, gyms etc.

Recently we were planning a holiday to Egypt. A holiday I have taken before and loved so much on so many levels. I remember how I wanted to share it with him. But now I don't. I would have to constantly worry what i looked like, what woman were near us. What they were wearing.

Last time i went on that holiday, before we were dating, I felt sexy, gorgeous, beautiful. Now I would feel like someones gran. I feel like someones gran most of the time. And Im 30. lol.

I didnt ever think i was fat or ugly. I thought i was drop dead gorgeous. lol. now i don't really see the point in anything physical when it comes to me. there will always be someone way better within a one metre radius.

i pulled the plug on planning the egypt holiday. what for? I love to travel and have done so a lot, my partner hasn't. but i don't want the hassle of never being good enough. getting fake compliments cos he has to, compliments i get now, that stink of emptiness. and then watching his eyes dart all over the place at the countless woman he feels are better than me.

Im not that interested in sex. cos he has told me how inadequate i am and how incredible almost 90 percent of the population is. why have sex. I'm not sexy to him. I'm in the bottom 5 percent. why have sex. its not for my boy, or sex appeal. id be being stupid now to buy lingirie or act slutty. thats just stupid coming fro an obese ugly girl. which he thinks i am.

and then what? it won't beuild any more intimacy. he will go perv the second he sees someone else, as his taste isn't very discerning. so what good was the sex?

i miss knowing i am wanted by a man. so much. what if i cheated? so i could find someone that adores me. and experience being liusted after again. would it be so bad. he doesn't see me anyway. and i don't think he will ever get better.

I'm tired of being invisible. and I'm tired of knowing i always come off in the bottom. never even close to top.

he wants us to go to gym together. but that would be horrendous. he does most of his perving at gym. and told me i would be too fat to perv at at gym. i don't want that. i will feel ugly enough at gym on my own. without having to watch him pretend not to notice everyone.

i want to feel pretty. and sexy. and like a woman. i want to wear sexy things and act sexy and e slutty in the bedroom. i want it so much that I'm crying while i write this. do i stay here in this relationship? and i can't talk to him he won't understand. he will shout at me and sulk.

i just want to feel that as i am a man craves me. above all else. but he doesn't. he never has. its killing me inside and i don't know what to do. I'm so utterly repulsed and bored at still being me.

please can someone help me.

 Post subject: Re: unease
PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:03 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 666
karlab, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I have felt all of what you say. And I just turned 58! Even at my age, I do not want to lose my sexual desire or sensuality. Nor do I want to believe my husband's abuse about how unattractive and undesirable I am. And, I do not want you to believe these lies either.

As I started to focus just a tiny bit on myself, and this seemed to take forever, one of the first things I worked on was me and how I felt about how I looked. So, the first thing I learned was to completely ignore my husband and think only of me and how I feel about me. Set a boundary that he is not allowed to say anything negative about your body, nor comment about the gazillon sexy, beautiful women out there. I actually had lost weight due to stress but I realized I needed to start eating in a more healthy way. And I stopped having meals with my husband so I could focus on me and healthy eating for me. Then I bought new clothes...feminine clothes, sexy clothes. I hadn't worn perfume in years and went out and bought my good old standard, Chanel No. 5. I wear it everyday. I changed my hair color and style. I'm going broke, but it is worth it. I want to add massage so that I can feel good about having someone touch me. It isn't sexual, but it is celebrating my body. I'm starting to ride my exercise bike. I want to sign up for pilates and yoga. And this is about me. I also thought back to my years as a young woman when I became sexually active and how much I enjoyed that period of my life. Think about those times. That young woman (and you are still young!) is still in you. Search for the desire within you. Don't feel guilty about watching a sexy or romantic movie, or by reading a book. I do this WITHOUT my husband. Get dressed up and go out. See when you feel good and figure out why and do more of it. I started to smile at everyone and while it is not sexual it is wonderful to feel good about interacting with people. I came to realize that I needed to feel good about me as a person in order to be able to feel good about me as a sexual woman. I am feeling so much better about myself as I invest in myself.

I think it was a good idea to cancel your Egypt trip if that is what you wanted. I also think it is fine not to go to the gym with your husband if it will be hard on you. Trust yourself. Focus on you and what feels good for you. This is about honoring the moment you are in right now. Things may change, but for now, do what takes care of you. My therapist, when I first started work with her, had me make every decision about my husband as to whether or not I felt safe. This helped me immensely. I didn't have to explain to him or justify or even say anything. I just made all my decision to be about me and my feeling okay.

I don't know if and when you will feel sexual with your husband. What I hear you saying is you, understandably, do not want to have sex with him if he does not see you as attractive or desirable. That is reasonable. If you want to, say that to him. Or don't. Do what feels right to you. I have told my husband it is very difficult to have sex with him since I don't trust that he still isn't fantasizing about porn or the women he sees on the street or in movies or god knows where. He needs to figure out how to create the trust and emotional connection for me to want to have sex with him. That's his job. He's clueless, at this point in his recovery, on how to do it. But that is not my problem.

Karlab, as addicts our husbands devalued us because of their addictions and fear of intimacy. What they did was so damaging to us, but it is a pack of lies. Our healing involves not believing these lies and restoring our belief in ourselves.

With deep compassion,

 Post subject: Re: unease
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 4:46 am 

Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 2:05 am
Posts: 56
thank you so much! truly. it really helps to hearth stories that other woman have. I'm so happy for you for what you are doing.

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