Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Oct 14, 2019 5:07 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hi all. It is 18 months since dday and although I have moved out I still see my ex other half for a couple of hours at weekends. He is doing nothing. He is not working, not cleaning, not leaving the house., not engaged in any active recovery (he cant act out because there are no computers). He just sits there watching telly waiting for his mum to bring him food or me to visit. I know he is very depressed but he will never get out of that rut unless he reaches out. I dont know whether this is normal and it might just take longer because he was addicted for 20+ years. Or by going to see him with no strings attached am I just enabling him to continue acting like a slob and self-isolating instead of dealing with his demons? I don't want to control him but I don't want to enable the 'dry drunk' syndrome either. Feedback welcome from both sides; thanks.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 5:48 pm 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 659
shell shocked - Your situation sounds very painful. Post discovery, the only influence I had over my husband was based on threat. I had to threaten to leave, and he had to believe it, in order to get him to realize he had to do something. I found RN and he did agree to work on the lessons and he completed them. But, I had to continue to make different kinds of "threats" (really, boundaries and bottom line boundaries). In his case, he was desperate to appease me at first. After he completed RN, I said for me to stay he HAD to get into indvidual therapy with someone familiar with sex addiction. I stumbled on to a therapist, but he set up the appointment, saw him, and continues to see him to this day. That therapist had him join a 12 step group, a therapy group, marriage counseling and my husband also particpates in a men's group focused on gaining mature masculinity. Even with all of that, it took a while (6-9 months) for him to agree he was an addict; it took at least a year for him to get sincere about recovery; it took a year for him to get it had to be about him, not about appeasing me.

That said, I'm not sure what you can do in terms of your boundaries about your partner. You can't make him recover; want to recover; want to end his isolation; want to grow up. Only he can. Please know this. There is NOTHING you can do to make him change his behavior.

Knowing that, my focus switched to what could I tolerate? What were my boundaries? Could I tolerate going over on the weekends and watch him be a slob? In my case, no. So, I might make a boundary that was something like "It is too painful and depressing to me to see you live like (a slob? isolate? not in active recovery?), so until you change and do something active about this, I will (not come over as often? not come at all? come and leave in five minutes?).

It's painful to know that we can't control our partner's recovery. Very painful. But, we can control our healing, and that is hard enough. So, I think the question here is what would take care of you? What is in your best interest?

With compassion,
dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 5:26 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Thanks dnell. I think I'll start with 'I'm not visiting to find my home an unhygeinic mess'. If its a tip I'll turn round and walk back out again. Baby Steps.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group