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PostPosted: Thu Oct 22, 2015 5:42 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3781
Location: UK
SP
Quote:
I am still not sure about meeting him for coffee in three months.I guess there is just no way to know.


now not but in time you will know
God bless heal well

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2015 8:46 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
I think if we can't discuss the delicate subjects here, where on earth can we? Isn't that what this forum is all about?

Keep the hope but give it to yourself. Hope with faith that one day soon you will wake up not thinking about him. Hope that you will find happiness in who you are without him and the chaos his addiction has brought into your life. Maybe what you are hoping for for him is not what he hopes for himself; we don't have the ability or right to make others what we want them to be, no matter how much healthier it might be for them.

For now I suggest just focussing on getting through today - or if the day is too long the next hour, or even minute. Thoughts about the unknown future and traumatic past are the fuel that feeds panic. Just get through what you have to deal with right now. And know we are all sending you hugs x

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'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2015 10:41 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
It has been a long week. I have had no contact with him since Thursday. I believe this is best. At the moment, I am not sure how I feel. I am struggling to see things clearly. I feel like I have been brainwashed.

I have started to think back to the beginning of our relationship, to the conversations that we had about our hopes and our dreams. He told me then that he was trying to be a better man, to live a life of integrity. It’s the reason that I fell in love with him.

I so desperately want to believe that he meant it, but the sad reality is that his behavior at the time was anything but. I know this beyond a shadow of doubt as fact.
I now wonder if perhaps it was all just some sick game to him, a romantic fantasy that he orchestrated simply to get what he wanted from me.

Even now, he tells me that he is miserable and needs to get himself to a better place, and while the signs are clearly that of a man who is struggling with life, I wonder if it is just more of the same. Perhaps I have simply served my purpose.

Kenzo said that I will know the truth in time. I hope he is right. More importantly, I hope that I will have the strength to face it.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 6:16 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 649
sp, for a long time I wondered about whether or not my husband was consciously using and abusing me as a sick joke that I was the last to get. I've come around to thinking that my husband has always wanted a relationship with a woman that was romantic. I think, now, that it was a fairy tale relationship that would be forever in the infatuation stage and the woman/girl would never grow old, get fat, get sick, be human. And she would fill the emptiness and brokenness in him and make him forever happy. I believe he sincerely wanted this and that there was even an element of possible healthy longing. I think it was sincere. I don't think he was aware of his fear of intimacy or aware that he was an addict. I do think he had some awareness that his acting out prevented him from having a committed relationship. But, he had a lot of self deception and believed he was this stand up guy with integrity who was committed and the problems we were having were....all my fault. I think he believed this sincerely, though thrre were tendrils of reality that would seep in. But as his addiction progressed and he became more isolated and his thinking became even more distorted, who knows what he believed. So, I don't believe he set out to use and abuse me. He did do that, but he made up all sorts of lies about it all.

In the long run, this isn't about me at all. It's about my husband's trauma and his addiction. My part is why did I stay and why did I tolerate what was really unacceptable behavior. But that's my stuff. I've come to realize that my husband doesn't really see "me". He doesn't really see the entire person I am, or the soul within me. He's been very self absorbed his whole life so that makes it hard to see others. And he needs to control the emotional distance with other people in order to feel safe. I don't think he had any awareness of any of this until recently. I think my husband always wanted to be a man of integrity, but didn't really understand what that meant and wasn't truly committed to the actual thinking, behavior and choices he would have to make to have integrity. It was all part of the false image management. He liked the "look" of integrity, but not the reality of it.

sp, as I have taken baby steps away from my husband and back to a focus on me I have healed. It's wonderful actually. I believe for addicts to heal, they have to create, almost from scratch, a healthy core identity. They have to learn to truly commit to their values and deeply believe in them. We partners, on the other hand, most likely do not have to create a core identity from scratch. We just need to rediscover it, to celebrate it, and to return to living fully. Trust this will happen. It takes time and it is slow. But, I believe in you just as I believe in me.

In solidarity,
dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Dnell, thank you for such a lovely post.

I will eventually need to decide whether I think he is truly an addict or just an a**hole (no offense intended to those on the recovery side; this is just the way that I feel). I know that I must settle in one camp in order to move on with my life. At the moment, I am torn.

The partners in my 12-step group say that I am lucky that I never married him. I understand their perspective. However, not being married makes things more complicated. I find myself constantly asking if it's as simple as him just not wanting a committed relationship, if that makes any sense.

When he ended our relationship, he actually said to me, "It's not you; it's the relationship." When I asked him what that meant, he refused to answer and said "I didn't need to know." Infuriating. It felt like I was dealing with a teenager; he is a 53 year old man.

Of course, none of this excuses his behavior throughout our relationship - lying is lying, cheating is cheating - but it does provide him with a justification for his actions. Maybe I do have my answer.

Why do we stay? This is a good question. Prior to discovery, I felt there were reasons for the odd behavior - and, of course - I never suspected that anything like this - whatever "this" is - could even exist. I just had no framework of reference. After discovery, I was frankly just too traumatized to leave - and I guess, I saw it as an illness, and who leaves someone they love when they are ill?

Unfortunately, his attempts at recovery were half-hearted at best. At some point, I reached a breaking point, and I began to detach from the relationship. I started thinking more and more about what I was willing to tolerate in a relationship. I started setting boundaries.

He can spin this any way he wants, but the fact is, he ended the relationship when I questioned him about his behavior and indicated that I didn't think it was acceptable to ignore me for two days. I know that had I said nothing, we would still be "together."

Thank you for letting me say all this. I suppose I am just using the forum to process what has happened. I hope that someone finds the thread helpful.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 10:05 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2015 12:43 pm
Posts: 83
Recovery is not for the people who need it, only the people who want it.

So, now it's time to focus on you and not on him. If he wants recovery he will find it but it's not your job or problem. Today is your day, challenge yourself to start the lessons so that you can start your recovery.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 2:42 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you, hadenuff. You are right, of course. I think I am just processing this. I told myself that I would give myself a week and then I would shut the thoughts down. It's not easy.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 6:56 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Hi sp,

A couple weeks ago I read about anninteresting technique in rewiring negative thoughts.

This person allowed herself set times or time periods each day for her ruminations. She'd literally set a 10-min timer and when it rang, clap her hands twice and say "that's enough for today. Time to take care of me."

In doing so she was realistic: instead of trying to stop her thinking completely, she gave it containers until it subsided from her life.

Perhaps that may be of inspiration to you.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 8:32 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:48 pm
Posts: 45
Ensure and soda crackers are what helped me at my most low moment, when breathing was hard, and moving almost impossible... I kept a stash of high protein Ensure bottles in the cabinet in my closet, and a box of crackers at my bedside, and my trusted big water bottle... that was the extent of my self-care...at my worst...

You are not alone, there is a whole mess of us in the same boat, anonymous and yet here in solidarity...
have a shower and keep yourself clean, I had to tell myself to do that at my lowest moments...
try to eat and keep your fluids up...
I did not understand what self-care meant, until I almost lost myself....
breath, eat, wash, sleep...

am so sorry that you are at this horrid place... somehow, the horridness will pass, and your core self will come on to...


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2015 9:57 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Quote:
How do you let go of hope?




At some point in my now 1 year journey, I remember thinking just that! "How do you let go of hope"????
What I eventually realized is that I was Hoping I was wrong, Hoping it was not as bad as all that, Hoping that he would stop being an addict now that he was found out, Hoping, Hoping, Hoping that those 20 years weren't a a big lie, a wasted time of my thinking it was all about me not trusting him....if only I could understand!!!!!!!!

Now I hope for peace in my heart, I hope for understanding, I hope for compassion for a fearful boy/man who covers up his heart with a giant ego!

There is hope, sp2007.......just not the kind that will erase your reality! Blessings to you on your journey!!

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It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:47 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Someone at work today commented that I looked thin. I am doing what I can to take care of myself, but I am so sad. Yes, Kajar, there is hope. But not without letting go.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 8:21 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2015 8:42 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you Kajer.


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