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 Post subject: can't handle the anxiety
PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 12:54 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Hi,
I have just started here in the lessons, and trying to move onto lesson2 but stuff going on right now has pushed me back. Its been 6 weeks since I told my husband he had to leave as he had gone too far. The first week he spent going to SA meeting and found a counsellor, which I found out later, is not a specialized sex addiction therapist, but he said she knows addictions though.
Fast forward to now, he has just moved into a suite, knowing he cannot move back as he needs to get into recovery and then says, he now isn't sure he wants to come back to our 32 yr relationship?! so I now find out he is contacting ex co workers (much younger females) from his previous job, telling them he is no longer married, and the black cloud has been lifted and can live again! Life is so amazing now for him from what he says. Of course they all see him as this amazingly charming nice guy, (the other life) he is very good at putting on a happy front and knows what to say to women to make them think he is such a great guy.
I know he also has not seen his counsellor, as he said he had the date wrong. He is now away with my son and does not understand why my daughter didn't want to go and see him! He really is living in another world!
I was doing so good, after my last counsellors appt, etc, I even was able to go for a run! then finding out what he is telling people (we had said we would tell others we are needing a therapeutic separation for now) I am crying and so much anxiety, that I, again, am being fooled!!! I don't know why I believed him!! How can I be so stupid after all these years of lies, why the heck would I think he is being sincere now??!!! I suppose being hopeful, and I know I am not suppose to be concerned about what or what not he is doing towards his addiction, but how can I help it after being together for so long! Thinking our life, our family, our enjoyments, all mean nothing to him. That he is telling others he is so happy now??!!! That is like stabbing me again in the heart! I really have a problem with being accused/blamed for things I did not do, all my life, that other people are more convincing of their lies, than I am of the truth! My most valuable asset I have is my honesty, as that is also so important to me! Yet, I stayed with a man that is exactly what I hate in a person, dishonesty, and the ability to make others believe he is something he is not! That causes me my greatest anxiety :t:

Also, He does not know I have found out what he is telling people about our marriage being over and him so happy about it! I really want him to know I know what he is saying, but not sure why.... but it really hurts....


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 8:23 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
needsupport - I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so painful. Or course this is painful and of course it creates anxiety. I have felt that and while I have been healing for some time, I can still feel it. Know this is a normal response....a human response. I find I need to be gentle with myself, compassionate with myself. I offer you my virtual embrace with compassion.

And, you are not stupid. You are trusting. You trusted the man who married you and said he was trustworthy. You honored your marriage vows. I did the same thing. That doesn't make us stupid. That makes us honorable. Please do not lose touch with this reality. Yes, our husbands lied to us; yes, they have been cruel to us; but, that does not make us stupid or unworthy.

At this point, from every thing you say, your husband is still an active addict. As you continue the RN lessons, this irrational behavior will start to make sense. And, more importantly, it will start to be about him, not about you. You didn't cause any of his behavior in the past or the present. They were based on his choices. And, addicts blame. I have been working for over a year to purge myself of the lies and blame my husband heaped on me.

Quote:
Yet, I stayed with a man that is exactly what I hate in a person, dishonesty, and the ability to make others believe he is something he is not! That causes me my greatest anxiety
:

Yes, I know EXACTLY what you are saying here. I went into individual therapy with a trauma therapist to figure out the reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship. I read a book in which the author said those of us who are partners of sex addict "slowly adapted to emotional abuse." Ouch. This is a devastating awareness. But, and this is so important, we can heal from all of this. It takes time, but we can do it.

So, in a painful moment like this, it is important, critical really, to focus on yourself and your well being. What can you do today, now, that will make you feel better? I started out with the goal of doing just one small thing each day that would make me feel better. I ate fudge. I played with my dog. I took a long shower. Something. Anything. Then, I would add in more things. Some days I didn't even get one nice thing. But, over time, I got better at this. What I needed to do, and what RN encourages us to do, is to detach from our partner's addiction and recovery/non-recovery. It is so important for us to focus on ourselves, to put ourselves and our well being first. I know how hard this is to do. But, as we do it, I promise you, you will feel better. The pain and anxiety will decrease.

Keep posting here. Keep doing the lessons. Consider individual therapy. You deserve the return of your joy and happiness. You deserve your self worth and confidence. It has been damaged. People who know you and care about you aren't going to believe his cruel words. Honestly, what kind of person would think highly of a man after 32 years of marriage who says "I finally got my life back." Ugh. I think that makes him sound terrible.

Let us know how you are doing. You are not alone. We understand.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 2:27 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
I want to thank you dnell, from the bottom of my heart <3
As I read your post, I cried, for along time, as I just don't know how to put myself first. I am going to a trauma therapist specializing in partners of SA. She says she sees good changes in me, but I find after a day of leaving her, I fall back, something comes up and I forget what I was suppose to focus on! Really, me, forget? that is so hard, I never forget, I have always had an awesome memory for everything....
I am going to S-anon meetings weekly, but cannot relate to a "higher power" so I am stuck at moving forward I feel. I understand the importance of believing in something greater to trust, but I just can't feel it, yet anyways....
I feel I am thinking way too much about what my husband is focused on, and I am really trying to not, but I have been programmed for soooo long, I don't know how to break it! Open to any suggestions.

I have found forums so helpful in the past with other issues, learning about ADHD and dealing with it in my son/spouse, but there are many more people on that site. I appreciate any and all replies, always good to hear from others when feeling so alone. Unfortunately, I am alone alot....
Thanks again dnell


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2015 7:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hi NeedSupport. Dnell has covered everything as always but I wanted to chip in and say This Will Pass. Every anxiety attack only lasts so long. Each one you survives makes you stronger. If you accept them they aren't as strong as when you fight them. Radical acceptance works wonders with them

There are atheist versions of the twelve steps out there that you might find useful.

Be kind to yourself, healing takes time x

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:39 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Thank you shell shocked! It is so wonderful to get replies, I am finding myself looking on this site for answers, helpful inspirational words etc. It really is important when I feel so alone. I have my group, but sometimes I feel like I am taking up way too much of their time if I call....

I thank you so much for replying, it means so much right now!!!


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