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PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2015 1:26 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Hello,

This is the first time I am posting, but I am reading, in partners therapy, S-anon groups now since I told my SA husband he went too far and had to leave the house. That, I thought was his rock bottom, as he said he has gone to therapy and a few meetings. He doesn't sound at all like he ever wants to come home. I can't have him home if he isn't committed to recovery. It has been 1 month....

My biggest concern and not knowing what to do now is, last night my son 21, had borrowed an old iphone of mine while his was being repaired, he got his back and left my old one. So, I had to take a look at what he is into as I had some fears from seeing some porn pictures on his laptop a few years ago. Thinking, and being told by several, that is norm for a boy his age. I will tell you he was bullied in school, was shy and didn't have any friends, socially out side of school. He is also ADHD and on meds for that and anxiety/worry.

So I just found a bunch of email replies to Craigslist personals, and he had sent pictures of his manhood! I also see he is in a few free dating sites and the messages back and forth are disturbing. Not even so much just from him, but from the girls! I texted my husband as I again was traumatized, and have not heard a word back. I assume he can't deal, as he isn't dealing with his own I don't believe. I tried to see when it escalated to this from pictures/porn and it appears to be a year ago. He isolates in his room, and again, that is what everyone tells me sons his age do. I did read a few and when the girl wants to meet up, he makes up excuses, like, overtime, etc. It appears like he is trying to "have sex" with the craigslist ones, but they are just trying to get him to join sites etc. I do not know if, how, when, or do I say something to him, or what to say, but I will not pretend it isn't happening, he needs help! I have a therapist appt (PTSD) as this is what I have been told is my trauma treatment, this Wednesday. Do I wait and just ask her the best way? Its just so hard because my anxiety was under control again, and now it is full on, just like when I discovered my husbands last "issue"!

Doesn't look like there is any light for me at all, 1 step forward, then 5 steps back it feels like. I know I have to control my "reacting" but of course that is what I have learned through dealing with this over the past 9 yrs with my husband. of course, the first time was labelled, midlife crisis from our non sex addict specialist psychologist, so that lead us to where we are today.

Any suggestions, or anything, is greatly appreciated. So lost and hopeless feeling now.
Thanks for listening


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2015 5:30 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
hi, needsupport,

I'm very glad you found recovery nation to help you through this damaging, difficult time, and am so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here: first with your husband, and then further trauma through discovering your son's behaviors, too.

The question on what to "do" is one that haunts many a partner, myself included at times. I remember a couple years ago posting here after a particularly brutal argument with my husband. My emotions and reactions were high, and it seemed like surely there must be something I needed to DO in response to teh situation.

What I've come to learn in the time since then is giving myself space and time, even though emotionally uncomfortable for a bit, leads to more clarity and sound decision making.

With regards to the situation with your son, even though this is something you've newly discovered, it doesn't necessarily require an immediate response or choice on your part.

A partner's mentor here, Nellie James, would often advocate "give yourself the gift of patience" and I pass her wisdom along to you now.

By giving yourself time and space you ride the waves of emotions and feelings coming to you, and allow their initial impact to soften. In that softening can rise answers and decisions that might not have otherwise risen.

As you know, your son is a grown man now--even though 21 is arguably quite young, and his brain is still developing. Unfortunately, like any person with compulsive behaviors, your son will not come to the conclusion it's a problem, until he comes to it himself.

This does not mean you stay silent, or do nothing. In terms of what specifically you 'should' say or do, I firmly believe that must come from within you, versus from the words or thoughts of anyone here or elsewhere.

But what I can advise is for you to give this time and space, to give yourself a kindness and some time for you to grieve, to be sad, to be worried. To feel through all those things, and when they have disappaited a bit, then return to the roots of what is important to you. What do you believe as a mother? What is most important to YOU? What would you communicate to your son, as an honor of your values--not to try and change or control or 'inspire' him but as a reflection of what you know to be true for you.

In doing so, you honor yourself, regardless of what your son chooses to do. And you begin the important step of separating yourself from your son's addictions/compulsions--which I imagine is very difficult as a parent (I am not a parent, but can empathize with the tormoil of seeing someone you love very much make unhealthy, life-altering choices).

Be kind to yourself. You have weathered so much, in a short time. Find small ways to focus on you, while tending to your emotions and grief.

Finally, the sooner you begin work in the Partner's workshop, t he sooner your own life can stabilize.

with kindness,
meep


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:17 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
thank you so much meep, for replying. I know how much I can get out of this forum, as I have experienced the help and insight during the ADHD diagnosis of both my son and my spouse.
I know you are correct and that is what I have done after writing my post. I did step back and not react and it was very hard to break that habit! I have decided to mention it to my therapist and see what the best way to approach this. I cannot live with this stuff in my house anymore, that is why my husband had to leave this time. I cannot handle the not being able to trust! I was done with dealing with the same old, that took me almost 9 years to get here and a devastating escalated acting out on his part. I have to keep reminding myself as I slip back into thinking he is getting help and we can work through this.

I know in my heart (and from his tone) he is focusing on it being me that caused this, my actions/reactions to him and focusing on all the negative in our relationship during the "bad times". Very hard to fight the feeling to defend myself, but I know that is his way of justifying his addiction. It is so very hard as I have such difficulty being blamed, or misunderstood for my actions without any thought of why I acted the way I did. I know, let go, let go! really trying, good days and bad, and depending on sleep etc which I have had much difficulty with during this past month, makes it even harder.

I feel I need a break from all this, stop with the books, the information, but when I do, it feels like I am going back into thinking we will get back together and work on ourselves and start fresh. I do not see that happening in reality, he is into buying new furniture now for his new basement suite, and seems very excited about this "freedom". We have been together 32 yrs, married 28 on Sept 18th. final Dday was Sept 22. Keep thinking of what he said on our anniversary "where should we go for our 30th?" His blaming me or finding every negative thing I have said/done is more powerful to him than recovery from his addiction. That I will not stand for, so I need to take my power back and get strong again to be able to find happiness with myself on my own.

Now I am rambling out my thoughts....one day at a time, that is what I need to get my focus on, the future is too frightening/depressing even, need to not go there.


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