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PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2015 11:22 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Hi to everyone who takes the time to read my very long post, sorry!

I am hoping for some feed back on how to deal with my anxiety/helplessness feelings.

A bit of our background : I noticed the big change in him when he went into management having an office with internet! Met a girl on a clubbing website, when I confronted him, of course it was because of times of boredom at work and that was all. Ya right! then another, found out while on family vacation in Hawaii. Kids were 12 & 16! After the rage, we talked alot and of course it came down to me and how he felt like he wasn't part of the family, me and the kids, and just him. He had been in contact with his mother and sister (both controlling and wanted us to never stay together) while trolling on the website and feeling separated from us. I believe complaining about me and our marriage knowing he would be encouraged to "move on" from me, justifying his actions. Very obvious he was in his own world and was distancing himself from me and the kids.

Anyways, we went to marriage counselling and we both wanted to work it out and move on. Of course this was put to midlife crisis! We upped our communication skills, and he really was trying, understanding my trust will be a long slow process to build back up. Of course it was up and down and more stuff was found a few years later, porn, pictures, etc on his laptop. Then craigslist, and thats when we went back after I looked into sex addiction. We went back to our counselor and of course, he didn't believe is sex addiction, so that was the beginning of the end. After both of us watched a program on tv about brains on porn, he said it wasn't the same as him but if he couldn't stop on his own he would see a specialized therapist. Of course that day never came!

Sept 22,2015: After 28 yrs of marriage and 9 yrs of "for sure" knowing he was actually "doing things" on and off (I believe), it escalated to the point of borderline illegal, I called him at work after discovering, and not sure what I said, but that he had to leave! He came over while I sat outside and grabbed all his laptops etc and some clothes. Of course I was still in trauma zone. I emailed his mom about it all, our relationship had "improved" over the last few years, she has been married 3 times and a couple of relationships since. 2 husbands were 12 and 17 yrs younger and wanted her to know her sons problem is an addiction. Some how my SA and I had texted and he told me he went to a SAA meeting that same night he left and had an appt with a specialized therapist and told me I could use his EFAP to find a therapist for myself. Back and forth texting as I couldn't find a meeting for me, he asked at his second meeting and gave me a contact number. Normally it is always me who finds out info, but my brain was not working at all, and it was so encouraging to finally hear him doing something about it!

He also was texting me saying the blame game is over! bla bla, He was living in a hotel and was hating it, said it was depressing. We discussed money as I have been a housewife for 25 yrs! and he said not to worry, bla bla...as he needed to find a place. After I talked with my specialized therapist for spouses of SA, I was somewhat hopeful if he was going into recovery, we could make living arrangements in our home like others have, and work through this, boundaries,etc. and said he would want to come back but I need to make sure he is in recovery. Then I find out he was looking for new fancy expensive rent places! I texted him saying what I had heard, how in time, we could do this, and he said he was confused as from what I had said that day. I said it was the trauma and I did not remember what I said, really! Then he started looking for furnished suites, sending me ads but couldn't get into it until Nov 1. My daughter offered her 2nd bedroom until then, but no he couldn't.

He went in for hernia surgery last week, my daughter, RN, offered to take care of him at her place, but he refused, said he is staying at his sisters (that he has not wanted any contact with for years) She too is on marriage 4! It is very obvious now, he moves into a "new" suite Nov 1 ! and said he needs new furniture. I said thats crazy, why not use the extras we have, but not good enough I guess and from his tone when talking to me, he can't stand me, my gut feelings have not been wrong, and spending a week with his sister, that keeps him in the hate and blaming me mode. Tells my son, your mom never wanted to do fun things! looking at me and every negative I said in our marriage. He is very angry with me, blaming me.

I understand this is a stage in his recovery, well probably not really in recovery yet. I feel he is moving on with his life, blaming me for his addiction. I just find it hard to think he is willing to throw our marriage away, everything we have, and blame me.

I guess my problem is, I am remembering all the good things/times and he blaming me for all the negative and his issues, and that is what is causing my anxiety and helplessness. Even though I know this is what addicts do, I just can't help feeling this way. I keep reading the first step, but....
thanks for your time, A


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 6:57 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3819
Location: UK
Hello Alana
I feel for you as does this community
and I do hope that your post has vented some emotion
I wonder why you opened this to both sides?
I am from the dark side and we believe that we know how you feel , the pain that you are in
but really we dont
we might try to wear your shoes but they are your shoes , the shoes of those that we hurt
you are looking for feedback regarding anxiety and helplessness
I cannot provide that but know those on the white side can and will
I will not ever make any excuse for addicts and addiction but in acting out anxiety and helplessness is a reality
that is why we lie , deny and make excuses
your SO needs to reach the point where he accepts who and where he is and then decide who and where he wants to be
addiction can be beaten but relationships being rebuilt do not necessarily follow
the old relationship is generally gone, trust destroyed
My suggestion to you is give yourself time and distance
if he deserves it he will earn it
you have the right to choose
not sure if this helps but I do wish you well

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 8:44 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 659
Alana (need support) - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be. I am a Partner's Mentor, and like the other partners here, we understand your pain and confusion. You are not alone. What helped me immensely was to do the lessons in the partner's healing workshop. Your post is actually lesson one. I recommend that you continue the partner's lessons, in the partner's healing section of Recovery Nation. The partners' forum is also a very good place to get support.

I would also recommend that you not post to "both sides" until you are further along in your healing and the workshop. Early on, it can be emotionally challenging for both those in recovery and healing to read and respond to "both sides" posts.

Early on the most important things I could do were to gain some sense of emotional equilibrium and a sense of control over my life. That is easier said than done. The partner's lessons helped me with this. As you read the lessons and the partners' forum, you'll hear many times that this is the time to focus on you. We need to detach from our partner's addiction(s) and focus on ourselves. There is nothing we can do to make our partners recover. There is nothing we did that caused their addiction(s). Addicts blame. You are not to blame.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2015 10:47 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
thank you both for replying!

I suppose I wanted to hear the other sides way of thinking/dealing. I hear more about working together and the SA wanting to save the relationship, so I wanted to see if others had more insight as to where his head could be at. I have no issues with hearing from the other side, I find it helps as I have no idea what they are going through in there own heads. My SA is and has never been one to ever truly open up. Whenever he thought he was, it was putting blame on me.

I understand he probably is seeing this marriage we had is not what he wants to go back to, nor do I!! With him saying things like "You will never change, its the way you are" hurts as I understand that my "reactions" and how I dealt with all the "findings" created me to be resentful, and wanting to let him know how much he has hurt me, reminding him of the past of the last time he did something. He hated that I could not trust him, I did too, but when I let my guard down and started to trust, WHAM something else!

I spoke with him yesterday, had a long talk, and I see he is being very influenced by his sister. He tried to lay guilt on me as he said it was so wonderful to have spent a week with his sister talking and renewing his relationship that he didn't have for the past 30 years! Again, putting that blame on me. Both is sister and mother are narcissists, now that I have learned what that is! Very controlling, never liked me and my SO could never stand up to them. There came a time we were going to split from this, and went to counselling. There he was told that I shouldn't have to subject myself to being hurt by them and if I didn't want to be apart of his family get togethers, he needs to understand that. It was also his cue that if he wanted me to, he needed to stand up for me to them for once! He couldn't do that, so he said, out of the guilt from me he stopped going as well! That is him putting the blame on me, as I could care less, as long as he understood I could not... That was totally his choice. He has complained so much about how his sister was, everything is all about her, and how he couldn't stand being around her. Now they are new best friends and she told him all about her 4 marriages and why they didn't work. I have heard her stories, all the ex's issues, of course. I am not good enough for her brother/son, I am not like them, not the Martha Stewart having/needing perfection. I like compromise, that is not something he or his family know.

I am venting again, lol...so I will look into this site more, not sure where to find the info on starting and what I need to do for the workshop on healing.

Again, thanks to both of you, I am trying to get strength and any other opinions, etc, does help.
Alana


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2015 6:58 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3819
Location: UK
Hello NS

Quote:
I suppose I wanted to hear the other sides way of thinking/dealing.
OK but we are all the same but very different
different in our aspiration for change, different in our commitment different in where we are in our journeys .....................

the same in our denial and deceit, the same in our fear , the same in our not accepting responsibility , the same in lack of empathy ................



Quote:
I hear more about working together and the SA wanting to save the relationship,

truthfully if that is and remains the main reason for an addict being here then the chances of recovery diminish exponentially
fortunately many start with that in mind but transition to wanting to recover for themselves . these are usually the ones that make it

Quote:
I understand he probably is seeing this marriage we had is not what he wants to go back to, nor do I!!

again from the shoulder but best to accept in every case not just yours that old relationship is gone and good riddance it was not honest nor healthy or even consensual, that is not to say a new and better relationship cannot be built and in many cases this proves to be fact
however for this we on the dark side need to change and prove our worthiness and from your side you need to heal and believe that you are brave enough to take that leap of faith


Quote:
I am venting again,


better to vent here and vent positively

I hope this gives you a small insight of the dark side but IMO you need to put you first

as has been said before it is the innocent that pay the price

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2015 10:45 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
[quote="Kenzo"] again from the shoulder but best to accept in every case not just yours that old relationship is gone and good riddance it was not honest nor healthy or even consensual, that is not to say a new and better relationship cannot be built and in many cases this proves to be fact
however for this we on the dark side need to change and prove our worthiness and from your side you need to heal and believe that you are brave enough to take that leap of faith [quote]

I wish there was a "like" button.

NS, you can access the workshop here: http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/

You are not alone.

SP


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2015 12:51 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Thank you so much Kenzo! Yes, this is the kind of insight I find helpful.

sp2007 I too wish there was a like button! that statement hit me as well!

Thanks for the link and to you both! I hope I can get myself back and find a way to be able to trust again. I see it is going to be a long journey, and that does have me concerned as I am a "get it done and move on" type, so this I have to also deal with.

Thanks again :)


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 10:08 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hello needs support,

I wanted to let you know that I deleted your name off of the first post, and removed the "both sides" from the subject as this is not the kind of thread that would normally pass as both sides. As coach Kenzo pointed out, there is nothing that a person going through the recovery workshop could contribute that would give you what you are looking for. In addition to that, it is not likely that you actually know what you are really looking for at this point in your process. You are new to this process (although not new to discovery) and likely still very much in a phase of disorientation. Please know that there is nothing wrong with any of this--it is what it is and you are where you are. Most partners would attest to having been in some similar state-especially early in this process process. There is no right or wrong, only what works and what doesn't. Welcome to Recovery Nation.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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