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 Post subject: Gut feeling help
PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 1:55 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 24, 2015 9:38 pm
Posts: 10
Did anyone's gut go into overdrive after DDay? I have had several gut feelings, but have either Ben "reassured" or not found proof. Does the gut go through an overreactive peroid??


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 Post subject: Re: Gut feeling help
PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:25 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Yes, definitely went into overdrive after D-day. But, I think I learned the difference between a "gut feeling" and a trigger for me. And, I trust my gut feelings. I hope this makes sense.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Gut feeling help
PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 7:29 am 
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Joined: Sat Mar 28, 2015 4:40 am
Posts: 67
After D day I was hit with about 6 weeks worth of trickle truth. That did a huge number on my psyche and "gut instinct". My husband perpetrated some of his best acting and gas lighting during this time period. After D day, my gut was still screaming, and days later I got him to admit to more. My gut told me he was still lying,but he swore so convincingly that he was not, that I convinced myself I was just being overreactive. My gut instinct shut off, and I believed him.......until I opened the right inbox in the right account and saw for myself that he told me a lie. I got another tearful 'truth', but at this point was so damn screwed up I had no idea which way was up and which way was down. My gut instinct was undependable because I was living with a lying addict with no boundaries at the time. Or maybe I should say, it WAS dependable, because I was living with a lying addict :s:
Anyway I went through a period of months where I just didn't know what to believe. The truth is, by working through recovery nation and reading some other self help literature, I realized I didn't need to follow my gut at that point in time. My gut let me know I was on to something, it was time for my brain to take over. I saw my husband for what he was, and every minute detail that may or may not have come out at that point became irrelevant to me. He lied, he cheated, it was time to work on me and MY recovery.
There are sections here where John talks about objective signs you can look for to know if your partner is in a healthy recovery or not. This was a God send!!! Rather than have to either trust or second guess my damaged gut instinct, I had ways to concretely see if my husband is working a program and making progress. It gave me a badly needed peace of mind, when I stopped focusing on needing to know every detail of my husband's acting out, and shifted to whether or not he was doing the work now to make himself safe.
Dnell brought up a great point about triggers. 7 months out, I am doing very well, except when some little insignificant thing (I overhear someone say "Mexico" for instance) can send me down the rabbit hole. A trigger. A bit of hell on earth. I am getting so much better at identifying them and not sliding too far and for too long into the hole, but in those moments I could easily think my gut is telling me something. Now I've identified them for what they are and assign no meaning to them other than proof of how traumatized we get from this whole situation. In the early days, I may have mistaken them for my gut screaming at me here in the present, but it's REALLY my poor traumatized gut from the past. That is where looking for objective signs of my partner's recovery proved most invaluable. To differentiate. I have been able to let my gut and instincts rest and heal. I even think some day soon I'll be able to trust them again.
Sending love and support to all partners!!!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Gut feeling help
PostPosted: Thu Oct 22, 2015 4:47 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 08, 2015 10:40 pm
Posts: 3
It is definitely not just you. For me too, yes...absolutely. My gut has been on overdrive since 'd-day' and hasn't stopped. But, neither has the acting out...and my gut thus far has been right on nearly every time.

Babylex, your post was really helpful. Could you direct me to where I can find the concrete signs of recovery to look for? I need help reducing the crazy. I feel like I am losing my mind every day to anxiety, and I think having a resource like that might help.


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 Post subject: Re: Gut feeling help
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2015 7:16 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
I am not sure what you mean about your gut going into over-drive. If you mean that you became hyper-vigilant, then yes. But what does that mean? It means that you are highly attuned to subtleties in his demeanour that indicate something is off. What is off might not be what your automatic assumptions will lead you to think it means, but trust your gut, no matter how over-sensitive it is.

Coach Jon once said to me that (paraphrased) “you might not be right 100% of the time, but your intuition will be closer to the truth than what he pretends or says”. This was early in recovery. I came to learn that this was the case throughout our entire process together, despite his insistence to the contrary. So, while I was learning to “tame” my hyper-vigilance (a good exercise, regardless, because noone should constantly be on red alert) he was still up to the same old song and dance. This was a lesson in it really does not matter what he does or says he is doing, it is his actions and not his words. My intuition almost always told me something was off. During some periods, I chose to let it go and see what could come of it. At other times, I voiced concerns. Finally, I ended the relationship. This is where it was always going to go, from day one. I think I knew this, but I had to go through my process to get to the place where I was ready to really let go. This is but one case. Not everyone will lie their way through recovery. There are people who do transition to health based living. It is up to each of us to determine what our vision is, our values, and what we are willing to live with (i.e. which values we are willing to compromise for the greater good of the bigger picture).

Quote:
To differentiate. I have been able to let my gut and instincts rest and heal. I even think some day soon I'll be able to trust them again.


I think the point is that you your gut hasn’t failed you, your head and heart were in conflict, and you chose to listen to your heart. Nothing wrong with that other than doing so made you think you can't trust your gut. You can always trust your gut.

The workshop lessons are here: I am not sure what you mean about your gut going into over-drive. If you mean that you became hyper-vigilant, then yes. But what does that mean? It means that you are highly attuned to subtleties in his demeanour that indicate something is off. What is off might not be what your automatic assumptions will lead you to think it means, but trust your gut, no matter how over-sensitive it is. Coach Jon once said to me that (paraphrased) “you might not be right 100% of the time, but your intuition will be closer to the truth than what he pretends or says”. This was early in recovery. I came to learn that this was the case throughout our entire process together, despite his insistence to the contrary. So, while I was learning to “tame” my hyper-vigilance (a good exercise, regardless, because noone should constantly be on red alert) he was still up to the same old song and dance. This was a lesson in it really does not matter what he does or says he is doing, it is his actions and not his words. My intuition almost always told me something was off. During some periods, I chose to let it go and see what could come of it. At other times, I voiced concerns. Finally, I ended the relationship. This is where it was always going to go, from day one. I think I knew this, but I had to go through my process to get to the place where I was ready to really let go. This is but one case. Not everyone will lie their way through recovery. There are people who do transition to health based living. It is up to each of us to determine what our vision is, our values, and what we are willing to live with (i.e. which values we are willing to compromise for the greater good of the bigger picture).

To differentiate. I have been able to let my gut and instincts rest and heal. I even think some day soon I'll be able to trust them again.
Sending love and support to all partners!!!!!!

I think the point is that you your gut hasn’t failed you, your head and heart were in conflict, and you chose to listen to your heart.

The workshop lessons are here: http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/ ... ntents.php Start from lesson 1, and work your way through. When you get to the lesson on what healthy recovery looks like, you will have a good foundation to process the information through your developing vision.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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