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 Post subject: Re: I'm a mess
PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2015 7:56 pm 

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
Thank you dnell for your understanding. Your description of the need to take care of others resonates as does the phrase "at the expense of myself". I've gotten much better at taking care of myself first and it's been a really hard lesson to learn, one I'm still learning. I wish you the best in your struggles with this as well...

The thanksgiving meal in and of itself does not bring major concerns for that day. It's totally in character for me to offer to cook during difficult times, and BIL will not be there... If he would be there, I would not. Period! No exceptions! STB-Ex historically (except for once) generally is very careful not to do or say anything offensive in front of the boys, and he knows that I will walk out if he does try that. I am free to leave whenever I want.

It's the funeral that brings my safety into question...You ask what would I do if I didn't have to worry about my safety... I would most likely sing some of the preludes and then sit with the family for the service. But since my safety is a major concern because of my brother in law and its BIL's dad whose passed away, there is no way he won't be there. So, staying in the choir loft seems to be the best compromise I can come up with that will allow me to attend the funeral and pay my respects while affording me some measure of safety at the church. And, after talking with a friend today, I now have a plan in place to address my safety at the hotel I'm going to be staying at, and I also have a contingency plan in place in case BIL gives me trouble...

The main concern I have about STB-Ex comes later, once the funeral is over and settlement talks resume, that's when he's likely to become difficult and get ideas of getting back together...just because I was nice. Aaarrrggg....

It's very important to me to stay true to myself and stay in character... The boys have commented on that several times over the last couple years. "Mom, you're still the same as you always were. It's dad who has changed so much". I need to be with the boys on thanksgiving day, I need to be at the funeral for both myself and to support for the boys, and I need to stay safe....

Writing this all down and seeing your response has helped me to clarify things and get my mind organized. Thank you for listening and sharing

Take care and happy thanksgiving dnell..

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