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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 9:38 am 
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Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
My H and I are working towards recovery and healing for both of us. Its been just about 3 weeks since d-day. I truly don't think he's AO since I've been home (I left for a week with the kids, after finding out) and he seems sincere in his effort to recover. He hasn't guilted me, blamed me in any way, hasn't been unwilling to talk about anything I want to ask about, even if it embarasses him, etc.

I often try to be supportive but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I'm hostile/mean to H, usually when he's at work and I'm feeling insecure. I'll send him text upon text with how I'm feeling, how hurt I am, mean things about what he's done, etc. He always takes it, he apologizes over and over, says he deserves it, and says he's trying to fix himself. Usually the feeling is gone in about an hour and we resume daily life.

Yesterday I really laid into him hard ALL DAY and he ended the day depressed and feeling like shit about himself. I felt bad by the time I had snapped out of it. I just had a really hard day yesterday emotionally and I took it out on him.

We have left things open ended as far as me staying or going. I wanted to give him a fair chance to recover, since he's otherwise a great guy who helps with shopping, cleaning, etc and he's a fantastic dad. And of course because I still love him despite his SA and we've been together for 15 years. In my mind I know I'll stay as long as he is recovering and working hard.

Anyone do things like this to their recovering spouse? I know it can't be good for him, it stresses him out and makes me feel terrible too. I just can't control myself in the moment when I'm texting him these things. I sometimes want him to feel the hurt and soul crushing pain I've felt, but this isn't healthy and I know that. I need ideas to calm myself down when I get like that.

I see a therapist next week, its taken me for ever to get in with one.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 10:51 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 650
Need-Hope - Yes, I did this as well. Three weeks out is still very early. Your hurt and anger is justified. What we do with that hurt and anger, well that's hard. I wanted to really, really hurt my husband. I wanted to hurt him more than he hurt me. I wanted to make him suffer. Can't say I'm proud of it, but, frankly, that's a reasonable response. But, my rage, while justified, could become abusive. And, I didn't want to be abusive the way he had been. I really don't want to be abusive to anyone. In my marriage there has been more than enough abuse. So, I had to learn to do something about my rage. Oddly, it's the closest I came to being compulsive! I felt like it was out of control and something I could not stop. Here's what I did, not always successfully: I had to learn to physically separate myself from my husband when I was enraged. I had to leave the house, go to another room, drive, take a walk, anything. In your case with texting, I'd find a way to walk away from my phone. We have to find a way to stop responding destructively to our rage. And, here's what helped me. My rage was harmful to me. In the beginning while I felt bad about hurting my husband, tough, he deserved it. At least that was how I felt. But, I felt awful. I didn't want to be that way. It hurt me. Later, when I was able to not dehumanize my husband, I was able to feel compassion and not want to hurt him.

It helps to have a good therapist who I could talk to about my rage. It helped a lot. It also helps to talk about it here. That way I had a voice for it and I didn't have to stuff it down, but I didn't have to let it get out of control and become abusive.

When I learned to make a safe space between myself and my husband when I was enraged, I then had to learn to do something to take care of myself. I had to self soothe. I had to take a bath, eat fudge, play with my dog, go for a walk, go to a movie, journal....anything that would make me feel better.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 11:41 am 
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Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
dnell wrote:
But, my rage, while justified, could become abusive. And, I didn't want to be abusive the way he had been. I really don't want to be abusive to anyone.


Quote:
So, I had to learn to do something about my rage. Oddly, it's the closest I came to being compulsive! I felt like it was out of control and something I could not stop.


Yes, this is how I felt yesterday. I did feel abusive afterwards, like you said, it made ME feel terrible. That is not who I am, I am not the type of person who is so blatantly MEAN like that. When I first texted him it was because I was feeling down at work, and we have both been sharing our thoughts and feelings as they occur. I don't want him to forget that I'm still hurting, but usually I don't get so intense. I just kept going, as my anger grew with each text.

And I definitely felt compulsive, I kept telling myself to stop, before more damage was done to us and our already fragile marriage, but I couldn't. I know he already is SO ashamed of himself, he already has a lot of self loathing and self hatred without me adding to it, but the texts just kept pouring out of me, and I'd send them in rapid succession, then wait a few hours and then send more. I felt like a crazy person. And knowing he'd take it, because he deserves it, made it easier, I knew he wouldn't fight back, because he caused all of it and he already feels guilty and terrible about hurting me. Even so, this is not who I aim to be.

Quote:
Here's what I did, not always successfully: I had to learn to physically separate myself from my husband when I was enraged. I had to leave the house, go to another room, drive, take a walk, anything. In your case with texting, I'd find a way to walk away from my phone. We have to find a way to stop responding destructively to our rage. And, here's what helped me. My rage was harmful to me. In the beginning while I felt bad about hurting my husband, tough, he deserved it. At least that was how I felt. But, I felt awful. I didn't want to be that way. It hurt me. Later, when I was able to not dehumanize my husband, I was able to feel compassion and not want to hurt him.


I will have to figure out a way, even if I have to go physically put my phone in the car or something. I felt terrible all night because of it. Even though he has hurt me, I DO want to be supportive in his recovery if I ever hope for our marriage to last. I also don't want or need to sink to that level.

I did apologize to him later on, I said I never meant to tear into him like that, that my emotions got the best of me. My apology didn't erase the words I had said to him. He was in a depressed state for the rest of his night at work, and came home and barely spoke to me. He'd answer me when I'd talk to him, but then I went to bed and he went outside for some space and played a game on his phone and came to bed later.

I know I can't carry him through recovery, but I certainly don't need to be throwing mean and hateful remarks at him or making it harder. I knew this yesterday too though, and I didn't stop myself. I feel terrible still.

I know that shame is part of the addict's cycle already and I felt like I added to it so much that I was afraid he'd give up and go AO after work, just because I had sunken him SO low all day. I am so glad he had the strength to not go and AO. He came straight home after work, I checked his GPS and accountability app, (both of which he's ok with, and encourages).

I need to remember who I am and not do things like that anymore, the way I feel afterwards is not ok, it doesn't make me feel better in the long run. A journal may help actually, I might go look for one today or tomorrow.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 1:19 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 650
Need-Hope - Oh, I know how you feel. Go easy on yourself, though. This is a very traumatic time. And, focus on your feelings here. Sure, this upset your husband. Yes, they have lots of shame. Yes, we can be abusive. But he's an adult. Well, not yet, but he's responsible for managing his emotions and his responses to you. This is hard, really hard. But, I learned to focus on me. Not on my husband. That doesn't mean I had the right to be abusive. What it did mean was that I would not sacrifice my feelings for his as I did for decades in my marriage.

I have come to realize that saving our marriages is not the goal post discovery. It felt that way. Of course it felt that way. What our husbands need to do is save themselves: they need to recover for themselves first and foremost. If it is for their marriage, or to appease us, they will fail. I have no doubts about this. Early on, though, I think many addicts post discovery do enter recovery to save their relationships. That's okay for now. What we need to do is to heal. Our focus really, really needs to be on ourselves (and on our children). I see you have started the lessons. Jon really helps us with healing.

Be gentle on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for what you have done in the first three weeks. The best thing to do is to focus on your well being.

In solidarity,
dnell


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 2:18 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
I do WANT our marriage to make it through this, but I know that's not a guarantee that it will. I have told him all along that there are no guarantees either way, that he needs to get better for himself not for me or for us.

I often try to visualize both outcomes positively to keep myself in check, and I try not to let myself get into the mindset that this WILL for sure work out, because I don't want to be let down again in the future if it doesn't. Still deep down I want it to work, even if I don't admit it often, lol.

I will continue to focus on my feelings, and acting that way to him made my feelings worse, so I'm going to refrain from texting him like that ever again. I'm not a hostile person by nature.

Doesn't mean I'll be all happy and sunshine, I still want him to remember that he's caused so much pain in me, but I don't want to let my emotions get the best of me, and allow myself to shove his face in the dirt repeatedly like that again.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


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