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 Post subject: Totally confused
PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2016 7:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 2:06 pm
Posts: 58
My ex keeps saying he wants to talk to me sometimes but I refuse to talk to him in person or on the phone so we only text....he tells me that he wants to text only sometimes and see what happens.....he keeps sending me very confusing text and he refuses to talk about anything that is personal his idea of talking is to talk about the weather or what we ate things like that.....I told him that I will text him only if he is honest and shows me respect cause I don't want any fake in my life....here are some of the texts he has send me I am not sure what is going on in his head or even what he is trying to say to me most of the time...." I want a life that was and could have been but from my choices in my life It cannot be Its nothing to do with you or anything of that it's just to much happened in the fighting that I can never go back to that chance with you or anyone for that matter. I don't do compulsive things now in sex or life I just have to find myself and my way and I have to do it without involving anyone in it. No one can help it's just me" another one "I am not ready for anything I know I need to be by myself find who I am and be who I am without feeling pressured into someone that someone else needs me to be. I don't want to text or talk all the time I don't want to answer to anyone but me of what I do or where I go. And don't want to be held accountable in someone else's vision of what is or should be. Only me." and another " I told you talk some take it slow see how it goes what did you think I ment" I keep telling him all I ask of him is honesty and respect and he keeps telling me that he is not going to make he commitment or promises but I think but not sure he is talking a relationship I can ever get a straight answer from him and don't have a clue what is going on. I am hoping somebody can help me clarify it cause I can't seem to get him to at all. I know right now I definitely don't want a relationship or anything like that and may never again like I told him I feel no bond or connection anymore with him at all just love


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 Post subject: Re: Totally confused
PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 5:38 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Jennifernola - These kinds of circular conversations with all sorts of confusing and contradictory messages are very familiar to me. Jon has a very good lesson about communication and how addicts use it for performance or to hide. They don't use it for transparency or connection. And, they actually don't have the skills to communicate.

When I have most needed my partner to communicate and connect, he has been the least able to do so. Over the decades of his addiction as it progressed his communication abilities degraded.

My husband as well only seems to be able to talk about food, the weather and who did what in the presidential campaigns. It is so tedious and boring.

If they are sincere about recovery and sincere about becoming healthy adults, they will need to learn to communicate in an adult and honest manner. This takes time. My husband has been in active recovery for two years and he still has lots of work to do to communicate in a direct, honest and respectful way.

So, what is more important is what takes best care of you? I just got to the point it was too damaging to me to talk to or with my husband and I just reduced the time I spoke to him. There have been days where I have said no more than ten words to him. Do what feels right to you. If you don't want him to text, or only text once a week, you have a right to set that boundary.

Trust your feelings. Trust your instincts. After two years of my healing work I completely trust my instincts and if I feel my husband is "off", then I know something is off. I don't have to ask or check with him and I do what takes care of me. Continue to focus on yourself and what is in your best interest. It was so liberating for me when I stopped getting involved in these crazy making conersations.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Totally confused
PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:11 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2012 2:06 pm
Posts: 58
Thank you Dnell, I am not sure what he wants or what his intentions are from what he says and can't seem to figure it out....he seems like he cares but his actions and words alot of times tells me he doesn't so I am not sure what he wants from me and have asked but I get no response when I ask....I have read the lesson from Jon on communication several times trying to figure it out but can't seem to do that.....he tells me that he is emotionally numb but I have my doubts on that and also tell him if you are emotionally numb then you should be able to talk to me about anything because there should be no emotions .....he tells me he is not happy or sad he's just there and likes it that way....he tells me that he won't talk of feelings because there is a hundred percent chance of arguing and he tells me that that is the reason we are divorced and can't be together I tell him it's because he is a cheater and liar but he does seem to get that....he tells me he doesn't want to be with me because of the arguing....I am just totally confused and am not sure what he wants from me.....he tells me that he is going to make himself comfortable as far as buying things to do so and that's what his life is going to consist of till it ends he says....I am not sure if I want to move on or keep texting him we have gone a month at a time with no contact and usually I am the one that finally contacts him but don't know if I should keep contacting him or just let it totally end at times I feel I should and at times I don't want to let him go I am back and forth and totally confused on what to do


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 Post subject: Re: Totally confused
PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 10:08 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Hi Jennifer,

With compassion, I am going to urge you to consider not what he does or doesn't want, but what YOU want, and what you value.

Do you value having a relationship with a person with whom you cannot relate, cannot understand, and often feel confused by?

I want to emphasize that the fact that his communications and texts are confusing to you is very likely not a reflection of any deficiency on your part, but rather a reflection of the fact that your ex simply does NOT have:
-adequate communication skills
-maturity
-any long-term vision for his life
-a life built upon ingrained values
-an understanding of himself and his addiction

if your ex had a life that integrated and reflected the above points, it's probable you would not find his texts confusing, because he would have the capacity and skill set to communicate clearly, maturely, and with depth, too.

So, with that in mind, what values of your own do you uphold by continuing to maintain a communication relationship with him? Isi t worth it to you to continue to be in touch with someone whose communications you find confusion and likely destabilizing to your emotional health?

If and when your ex chooses to change -- and note, it is a long process of hard work to do so -- you would know it. There would be a significant shift in how he chooses to communicate with you. There would be a consistent, marked respect for you, and capacity to self-reflect. He is showing none of these things. So, his communications continue to remain confusing because he is still in an addictive mindset, regardless of whether he's acting out or not.

warmly,
meep


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 Post subject: Re: Totally confused
PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 7:45 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Thankyou, ladies, for putting such wisdom into words for Jennifer.......it has been a great help to me as well. I do not feel as much the 'critical, bitchy' wife when I understand this is all so common for us all!!!

Kajer

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It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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