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PostPosted: Sun Jun 19, 2016 9:22 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2015 4:04 pm
Posts: 1
I found out almost a year ago about my husband's sex addiction. For the past 3-4 months I've felt like everything was going really well. He was being such a great husband and I had no red flags.

We worked with 2 CSATs and just had our full disclosure and polygraph. I was dreading this because I was afraid of what I'd find out, but I was also really looking forward to it because I felt like I would be able to start healing more and move on. I was totally thrown for a loop when he failed the polygraph. I really thought he had turned a corner and was being honest. Of course he says he failed because they're unreliable and blah blah blah. He is saying all the things that he used to say when he lied to me...My favorite is, "I know I've lied to you in the past, but I'm done with that and I'm telling you the truth now. I don't expect you to believe that, but there's nothing else I can say." I want to believe him so bad! I've read so many things online written by CSATs that say its really rare for someone to fail for reasons other than lies and usually after some more therapy, more information comes out.

Does anybody have advice as to what my next steps should be? Its really hard for me to be around him when he says he hates seeing me suffer like this and I'm 99% sure that he has the ability to end my suffering. I don't want to be trapped in this cycle like I have been in the past where I give him the benefit of the doubt and eventually we forget about the issue.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 6:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:55 am
Posts: 59
Hi
So sorry to hear of the failed test! Before my partner's test I did considerable research into the accuracy of present day polygraphs and was amazed at how accurate they usually are. I thought there was a strong possibility that my partner would fail and lie, to the death, the test was wrong. I would have told him that I could not believe him but as long as he proved to be intensely involved in therapy and RN work I would stay as long as I could see continual significant improvement.
I would require another polygraph in 3-6 months about his current activities. Some days I also thought I'd leave if he failed test. One never knows what we'd do until we are actually in the Situation.
It's a really tough and painful spot to be in for sure. I wish you all the best! I always thought that most partners found out all their partner's sexual activities but now it seems that most of us never get the whole truth ever.
Keep posting and working on you. Hugs!


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 3:04 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 1:42 pm
Posts: 352
I'm ten years into this. I can tell you that my husband said all the same things as yours and the situation was very similar. The truth that is finally coming to light is that even when he was doing therapy, RN, George Collins, mediation and all the self-help books he could get his hands on-he was still acting out to some degree. He has deeply seeded shame based issues from childhood. I think there is a percentage that lies to cover up the shame, a percentage that doesn't want to hurt us (that goes back to the shame) and a percentage that is fearful the coping self-soothing addiction will be taken away. Until someone truly recognizes that it not only doesn't serve them, but hurts them and those they love, they will try and protect the addiction.

My guess and it's only that is your husband failed the poly because there are facts he is not ready to come clean with at this time.

My husband wasn't anywhere near ready when he did his first disclosure. He was still in the mindset that if I knew the whole truth, I would leave him. He wasn't ready to surrender to the possible consequences of his prior actions. He now claims he is.

One of the truths I have learned is how much of a process this is and the time frame is longer than I would have wanted. I no longer believe there is one silver bullet to fix anything. SA must be treated as any addiction with an ongoing daily practice of mindfulness, a reaching out to others in person. I believe along with a intellectual approach the community connection is invaluable. It took at least 6 D-Days for my husband to join a 12-Step SA group. Now has "peeps' that he can reach out to and this is VERY new and good behavior.

One of the "mistakes" I made and trusted is that he would be able to reach out to me if he had an issue. He couldn't since I represent someone that he has to be "perfect" for (mother issues). Having an outside male people to show him how there is no perfect (other SA guys) is helpful. One of the things I've noticed in my research is how isolated many SA's are. They have intimacy issues not just with their partner but with all other people. They don't actually like themselves and put up a false front so it's easier to be a loner....

I know that my asking, "How are you doing? You can tell me the truth." was in his mind a set up to continue lying. I no longer ask. I look for congruence in behavior and have high tech ways of verifying what he says. I hope this is helpful to you.

XOXO


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