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 Post subject: I just left...
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 4:52 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
...for hopefully the last time. It's been 3+ years since D day. I know he doesn't think that I am serious. It's funny because our relationship has actually been so much better in many ways. I really had no reason to suspect that anything was amiss, but something told me to check. Another dating profile on another dating web site. Funny how intuition/higher power/whatever you want to call it works. Anyway, I would really appreciate your support at this time . I always weaken and take him back after a few days. I cannot do that this time. If I do, I will be forever stuck in this madness. It is the right thing for me. What he chooses to do in response is his choice.

I was doing some reading on another site and found this and wanted to share it because it really resonated with me. Maybe it will with all of you too? I am not dismissing sex addiction -- I believe it is a real issue -- but there is a problem with the label, I think, in that it causes some of us to excuse inexcusable behavior because the person is "sick." I like the focus here on the idea that commitment is a choice based on a value. I think that is the heart of RN, as I understand it.

But what of repeat offenders? Here the prognosis gets poorer. Once can be considered a slip up. An aberration. Twice or more is a pattern. Why should the serial cheater be forgiven or provided a third, fourth or fifth chance? Of course, this is for the person who was betrayed to decide. Some see their own unequivocal commitment to the relationship and love for the offending partner as reasons for either overlooking such bad behavior or for giving them repeated chances to change. This can become a kind of co-dependency, unintentionally enabling and perpetuating the problem. As with domestic violence, the victim may be bamboozled and confused by the offender's apparent heartfelt contrition and proclamations of love and dedication. Or they come to see the offending partner as suffering from some mental disorder or substance or sexual addiction that both compels and excuses their abusive behavior. In certain cases, say of severe bipolar disorder, substance abuse or compulsive sexual behavior, it may make sense to compassionately support and stand by the offender during his or her treatment or rehabilitation. After all, that is part of what true commitment is all about: In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. But the key is that commitment is a two way street. Both parties must be equally committed to the relationship and to monogamy, if that is what is promised and expected. Commitment is an existential choice. A choice one reaffirms each and every day. One chooses not to cheat not necessarily because one doesn't desire to. But because one chooses to honor one's commitment and because one cares about and values the relationship with the partner so highly that taking the risk of threatening, damaging or losing that relationship and deeply wounding the partner is completely unacceptable.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:20 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hi sp

It has been a long time waiting and I think at some point we all have to make The Decision. And The Result has to be about what gives our lives value. Being lied to, whether overtly or by omission, does not add value to our lives
It demonstrates that,.ultimately, the thrill of the behaviour is more important to them than our welfare - financial, sexual,.emotional, etc. That they still haven't grown up enough to put long-term goals.over quick fixes. And we have.to.decide how long we are willing to.wait for them to mature (if they ever do). If you have decided 'that's long enough' 'I'm tired of being unhappy' then I salute you. You only have one life so make the most of it. Be well - SS.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:40 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you SS. I knew that I just couldn't continue on like this, compromising myself to remain in a relationship with him. He tried to make me feel sorry for him and dismissed it as no big deal. I know he doesn't think I am serious. I imagine the next few days will be extremely difficult for me. I am used to talking to him every day. But in the end, I did this for myself so I am hoping that will help me to stand strong.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 6:11 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Ah, sp. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and know we are all with you. If there was ever a time to do "one day at a time" this is it. Keep posting here. You're not alone. It WILL get better with time.

You've given so much for so long. I feel the same. At some point, we just can't give any more. I so want you to have serenity and joy. You so deserve it. I know this is painful. We all know how much pain you have been in for so long. I agree with shell shocked, this is the decision that is always ahead of us in some ways. It's always on my mind. The only thing I can think that could improve right away is not needing to be anxious anymore about my husband's sincerity, recovery, integrity. I just can't foresee ever totally trusting my husband and knowing that on some level I will always need to be on alert. It's depressing and exhausting. Maybe after your grieve you will feel so much better. On other sites, women who have left always say "I wish I had left sooner." That haunts me.

We are here for you.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:21 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Dear sp,

You are supported here.

I am so sorry, and I can relate to much of what you've written.

Although I am still with my husband, it is a byproduct of getting into enough alignent with myself to fully follow through with leaving. Like you have noticed about your own relationship dynamics, I have seen how I tend to cave and come back to my husband. It seems, on my part, to often be an emotionally-fueled response versus one that looks after my greatest good and values.

So, in my planning for my future, and in recognition of this, I see I will need to leave and go a fair distance away, without contact. This is not, of course, available to everywhere, but it is the plan I will need to take to protect myself and my value and to give myself space to heal.

SP, in the days ahead, try to speak (even write/journal) to yourself using the wisest, sage version of yourself. The part of you that looks after your best interests. Tap into that woman when you doubt, or when you feel yourself wanting to return to what you know is not a healthy situation for you. What will the wise warrior within you say? How will she advise you? Listen to her.

With kindness,
Meep


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 10:09 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you all for your replies. This is not easy. I woke up this morning and was upset that I could not will myself to sleep. I do not want to feel this. But I know there is no other option. I am praying for the strength to get through it.

I told him that I did not want to see or talk to him for three months. I don't know if that is reasonable. Perhaps I need to cut myself some slack here. I don't know. I do think that less contact is better for many reasons.

I am just left with so many questions that I know I'll never get answers to. I told him that I wanted him to try to explain this behavior to me someday, that after all this time I deserved some sort of explanation as to why he does what he does.

But I know he can't do that because it would mean admitting things to himself that I think he would rather not face. It would mean admitting that he does what he does because he chooses to do so. Of course there's probably a lot more to it, but in the end, it really is that simple.

He has chosen. So have I.

Is it the end for us? I don't honestly know. But I know there can be no forward movement in life -- that we will forever be stuck in this pointless dance -- unless something changes.

I am giving myself that option for something better, with or without him.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 1:46 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:45 pm
Posts: 45
Dear sp2007,

Your soul seems to be speaking to you. I know its cheesy but there was a song popular about 10-15 years ago… "Closing Time" and it said: Every new beginning comes with another beginnings end.

You are probably not at the place that you can imagine that new beginning yet. Give yourself the space to imagine it. Time away is good. I think we all get so caught up in the bull that we forget to imagine our dreams. Imagine too the freedom of never worrying about who is on what dating website and why….. like its not even part of your reality.

I have been contemplating the idea often from the book "The Secret" that we attract things into our lives through our thoughts. I also believe the opposite: What we are NOT thinking about, we deflect. What if you started to think about something else besides this person and his problems? I am hoping for myself that by changing my thoughts day to day I bring something new into my life.

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. I am going through a similar situation.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 2:34 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
sp, you made it through the night. Gosh, I wish I could make myself stop ruminating about bad stuff, but...I can't. It does get better. What I do realize that has helped me is that I have had to grieve my losses: what I thought I had in a relationship, what I WANTED and never had, the lost time, the lost innocence, the lost opportunity. So many losses. I really needed to grieve. It takes a while but I feel so much better. So, let yourself grieve for you. You've earned it.

I agree that I forget my own wants and dreams. I think that is just awful. It's just the result of being in an abusive relationship for so long. And, now that you are out, my bet is you can get those dreams back...all those parts of you that you have been missing. I miss my younger self so much and I realize I need to get those feelings back now that I'm in my later years. I want to feel good about myself, about my future, about meeting people, about traveling to different places, learning new things. I want to end this isolation and shame and feeling just so....bad! I am doing so, but, whew, it takes time. And it is hard to do when living with the person who really didn't give a fig about me.

I've read so much about SA that I think I do know they "why" of my husband. I think with enough time and therapy he could figure it out as well, but he would have to have the courage to do so. Courage is not something our partners have had. They've run away from "hard" feelings and effort all their lives. My husband's fantasy life has everything be so easy. And he escaped into that life whenever he felt anything "hard". And, they have to face some really hard, ugly realities about themselves. I;ve had to face some hard realities about myself and I wasn't the addict.

Sending my virtual embrace.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 3:44 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Dear SP,

In case it is of help to you, I recently read this (you could also listen to the audio) about 'the myth of closure.' (if you scroll down you will see a transcript link)

http://www.onbeing.org/program/pauline- ... osure/8757

Our leaving and what remains is complicated. It is no clean grief, it is no clear closure. And in that ambiguity we often find ourselves anxious to fix it somehow, yet there is no real fixing of it.

I hope it may give you a bit of comfort and food for thought during this time. You are in my thoughts all week.

Meep


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 4:42 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you meepmeep. I am trying to sit with the discomfort. I know it will get better. I also know that I will probably never have answers/closure. I have been told by others to block his ability to contact me and to remove him in every way possible from my life, to go complete no contact. I might get to that place eventually, but I cannot do that right now. What is the point? I know that I cannot tolerate this anymore. He knows that I need something he either cannot or is unwilling to provide. So...the fact that we still love each other? That's just the way that it is. If God is kind, it will fade in time. The hope I still have will grow dimmer in time and I will move on with my life. I don't doubt that I will be able to find happiness in the future. I also don't doubt that I will carry the pain of all this for some time, if not forever. It is similar to the death of someone you loved. You cannot change it. You can only accept it. But it always hurts just a little when you think of it. And it's ok.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 6:26 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hi again sp

It WILL get better. It might take a long time, but it will. I do recommend cathartic journalling. When it gets like you have to get it out or explode; write it out and cry it out. At first (18 months ago) I was writing my screams out twice a day. Then it was once a day. Then once a week. Now its once a month. It just happens that way. And on bad days you can look back in the journal and see how far you've come. You start thinking about other things. You get out there and make new friends, join support groups, exercise and just fill your head with other stuff. And suddenly it doesnt hurt so much. And then GOOD THINGS HAPPEN. I went for 15 years without a foreign holiday while with the SA. Now I'm off to my second in two months. Because the new friends I made invited me, I said yes and the obstacles just cleared themselves away. Call it karma, angels or life just paying attention to what you want; it just happens. There's good stuff out there to be grabbed. And Ive found now that I can be round the SA without that desperation. I can respect that he and I may not make it back to a relationship, and that's OK. Things change. We change. We grow. All things are impermanent and feelings are the most insubstantial of all. After all, when we stop feeling them, where do they go? Can you remember exactly what you felt this time last week? Last month? Last year? Yet at the time those feelings felt like they were so permanent and paramount.

Sorry, I'm drifting into Buddhist philosophy and.you may not appreciate.that right now! But when the feelings come crashing down, please remember that they are just feelings. It doesnt mean you shouldnt honour them or should suppress them. Let them out healthily. But remember. They are not reality. They pass. You survive them.

The biggest mental hug you can imagine from me to you x

Be kind to yourself.
SS

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 8:23 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Wowser, wowser, shell shocked!! You have just inspired all of us who've read this...you put into words the hope and courage we all will find in ourselves to continue seeking a better view of our world! Thankyou thankyou thankyou! (I guess it really resonated with me....hehe!)

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 9:54 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
Thank you SS. There is much to be said for Buddhism. Right now I am focusing on feeling the pain and letting go. I know that fear is making me struggle. Although I believe the path that I am on is the right one, I do not know where it leads and I do not know what losses I will suffer along the way. I fear that in the end, I will see that he never loved me, that I have wasted my life loving him. But I also know that I treated him with grace and kindness and love and that comforts me and reassures me that the decision that I made was the correct one.


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 9:15 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
I don't even know him, but am confident saying he probably did/does love you.....to the best of his 4th grade ability!!!! It's just that you have decided it is not enough.....and your loving him was not a waste!!........blessings to you!!!!!

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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 Post subject: Re: I just left...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:01 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
It demonstrates that,.ultimately, the thrill of the behaviour is more important to them than our welfare - financial, sexual,.emotional, etc.

It also demonstrates that the perceived pain of living without the addiction (and all the associated behaviours and resultant emotional stimulation) is greater than the perceived pain of living without it. It is not about “better” or “more important”. It is not that conscious. It is about what seems more important at a given moment (immediate gratification) rather than upon considering the overall big picture of one’s life.

Quote:
Thank you all for your replies. This is not easy. I woke up this morning and was upset that I could not will myself to sleep. I do not want to feel this. But I know there is no other option. I am praying for the strength to get through it.
This is a good time to turn to your values. What choices/actions will support your overall vision? What choices/actions will undermine it? The choice is yours.

Quote:
I am just left with so many questions that I know I'll never get answers to. I told him that I wanted him to try to explain this behavior to me someday, that after all this time I deserved some sort of explanation as to why he does what he does.
Ultimately, what would that give you? What are you looking for? Would you get that? How would you know?

I am filing through my old work (I do this periodically as a way of ensuring I am staying true to myself as well as to update/refresh anything that is no longer relevant). Anyhow, I came across this question I had posed, and the response given by Coach Pilar.

Quote:
re: "On one hand I don't want to give up just when he might actually get recovery but HOW LONG can this relationship be sustained on THAT?"

Forever actually... It's going to take a decision on his or your part to end the relationship. I can relate to the waiting. I was very encouraged for about 6 months after d-day, Achilles was committed to recovery and showing signs of growth. Then the complacency set in, and we were both headed towards relapse (me in thinking that things were "good enough" and holding on tightly to the hope "things could get better” and him settling for the progress he had made and not putting as much energy into his action plans). Fortunately, I made the choice not to return to my old behaviours and continued promoting and developing my values. Unfortunately, Achilles reached for old comforts and did not believe in himself. It was so difficult (and it took some pretty extreme boundary violations), but I finally decided to leave the relationship behind. The amount of stress wasn't something I could deal with in a healthy way.

Defining that line where the stress isn't worth holding on to hope is probably the most difficult decision I've ever made in my life! But (and I'm not suggesting you decide one way or the other), choosing to walk away from the stress was the right decision for me. I can now manage my life and continue growing without being weighed down by unfulfilled values. There was a huge loss that still affects me, but I'm glad I made the decision I did.


As I read the above, I relate so much to what Pilar shared. I do still feel the loss. It has been 3 years now since we separated. We have a child together so he is still in my life. While I recognize the loss, I also acknowledge that under no circumstance would I want to go back to that place. You have now made “ the most difficult decision”, which (in my opinion) is a decided decision to honour yourself and give yourself the best chance at living into your vision for your life. There will always be “what ifs” and all we can do is make the best choices for ourselves, given the information that we have and the tools that we have at any given moment. The information you have clearly points to the fact that he is choosing to value immediate gratification, and forsaking values that will give long term stability. This does not mean he didn’t value you, just that he lacks the foresight and emotional maturity and other skills to live according to a healthy vision. It is work, and he is taking the “easy” way (even if the easy way proves to be more difficult in the long run-and it will be because it is no fun living in a state of perpetual emotional upheaval- it is still the “easy” way in the immediate sense). Before long you will also be able to reflect back and know you made the right choice for you, given your vision and your values.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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