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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 8:07 am 
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ok, so after many months of writing emails, deleting, searching directories for counsellors not to far away and specializing in SA, I emailed one this morning to enquire about appointment.
I got a response, and an address, which is just round the corner to my home address- the anxiety that flooded over me is indescribable, I emailed using my name- and now I fear she lives so close she may recognise me?? or know who we are, also neighbours may be able to spot me entering her house if I attend :( I feel sick tbh, I can also see husbands face if he finds out, as he was almost paranoid about me talking about all this, and quite insistent that I didn't need counselling :(

I just cant believe it tbh, it just so smacks of my bad luck in everything. there was no address on the profile site just the beginning of a postcode, which I thought wouldn't be too far to travel. I feel fate is telling me I cant find help.

do I turn down the appointment, and seek further afield?? my gut is turning over thinking about neighbours seeing me, or her turning out to know of us in the local area

advice???


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 12:48 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Maybe ask whether it is possible to meet somewhere else? Or ask what steps the counsellor takes to ensure the privacy of clients. Its important you feel comfortable with your counsellor so if you're not happy keep looking. But it needs to be your decision not your partners. Your mental health is more important than his discomfort.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:57 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
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Thanks, I emailed her with my concerns,and she reassured me that everything will be confidential. Her address is luckily in a close, not on a road in full view, so I have said I will attend,she on her site she specialises in addiction,ptsd etc. I suppose I am feeling like I am betraying husband if it is his addiction,but I will be seeing her about myself..funny really,I feel guilty and want to tell him I am going to coun selling real, but I know if I do he will go mad..wierd I feel like I am putting his secret at risk..feeling awful..when all these years he seemingly had no worries doing what he did..i will have to be brave,


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:13 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
jenny56 - I am so relieved you have found a counselor. I hope she is helpful to you. It took me three tries to find a good one, but now that I have found her, she has been immensely helpful and healing for me. You do not have to tell your partner about your starting counseling if he will not be supportive. This is not about him. It is about you. You are not betraying him. You are taking care of you. These are some of the crazy lies we start to believe after living with addicts who do everything to protect their addiction. Your counselor will be there for you and I found after so many decades with a man who really did not care about my feelings, it was just so healing to have someone who cared about me. Who helped me put me first.

I have really come to realize, painfully, that I was in an abusive relationship with my husband. As his addiction progressed, and it progressed whether or not he is willing to face this truth, his abuse became much, much worse. And, painfully, I have had to come to the awareness that I adapted to that abuse. I needed to heal from that, which I am, and to learn to never let that happen again.

Let us know how it goes after your first visit. I want you to have healing so joy and serenity can return to your life.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 12:56 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Thankyou,dnell.

I gain a lot from your posts, I am apprehensive but know I can't go on in constant denial and then pain of reality. Not sure if I will be able to open up to her, but must try something for myself..i nearly cancelled,telling myself i was rocking the boat and husband would be angry and threatening..what they di to us is unbelievable, but now I see it as abuse, I need help for myself and to stop trying to bury everything,appease ..and enabling him, and begin to find myself now I know there is something damaged I me to have allowed myself to be treated like this..


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 5:35 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Hi jenny56,
If it's of any help to you, I have been seeing a counsellor who lives very close to us and it is a rural area, so possibly even more daunting than an urban one (if that's where you are), as everyone seems to know everyone else! However, I feel very lucky to have found her. She has proven to be exactly what I need at the moment. Confidentiality is 100% assured and I have built up a relationship of trust with her. One thing she is very insistent on is that I arrive at exactly my apt time, not 5 mins before, so that there is no danger of me bumping into anyone who may be leaving an appt. For me, it was a huge help that she lives nearby, as I have two kids and they are old enough for me to leave them for an hour as long as I'm close by. You never know, it might be a really positive thing for you to see this person. But you obviously have to be comfortable with the situation in order for it to work.
B x


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 2:53 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Thankyou, yes, I am thinking it may be useful to be so close, I could walk there,tbh. I can drive round and go in frim another direction too. I think my shame has made me feel even thinking about therapy is some sort of admitting my relationship gas failed..so I was feeling anyone knowing, or even seeing me going to a counsellor showed up everything from my private life..we are a quiet family, no close friends etc..basically due to this ..
I am going round this afternoon, as you say,it means a short a time frame as possible and perhaps will stop me backing out due to journey times for further away.
I hope it works out, her list of things included what I think will be helpful...
Any one seeing me etc, I am thinking I will tell myself I am seeking counselling about being carer for my mum and her dementia and those strains on me..so I wont feel as vulnerable about neighbours seeing me..it is amazing how ashamed all this has made me,
I haven't told my husband. Should i? Or not,as he was very assertive during our d days when i said i needed help..saying i didn't need to talk to anyone etc.
Also, will she ask about husband..i feel guilty in disclosing what is his addiction ..but although its my needs i am seeking help with,i wonder how much about my husband will be divulged..god, hard to put into words how much effort i have put into covering,protecting my husband at my expense..even now my fears about attending counselling are a lot to do with not wanting to be disloyal,or uncover his addiction to anyone.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:01 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Jenny56 - It was such an important insight for me to realize just how much I had twisted myself into not confronting my husband's destructive behaviors. I tried, and tried, and tried. I needed to focus on me. I needed to realize that it wasn't my failings and inadequacies that prevented me from resolving conflict, creating intimacy, having fun. It was his stuff. I didn't know about his addictions before d-day and now it all makes such tragic sense. I have my own issues for sure, but they PALE in comparison to the decades of lies, deceit and immorality of my husband's addictions. So....

I hear two questions from you; what can I say to my counselor and what should I say to my husband?

I'm in counseling with a wonderful therapist. My goal was to see if I could trust her. It took time. A good counselor will talk about trust directly and work to establish it. In a healing therapeutic relationship, we should be able to talk about anything. This is about you. It is NOT about your husband. Your counselor is there for you. Your husband needs to get his own recovery resources. Part of the work we have to do is to really understand that we need to focus on ourselves. It's taken my quite a while, and isn't that just another sad thing?

What do you need to tell your husband? Here's the brutal answer: nothing. At this point in your life, when he has lied to you and kept so many secrets, why in the world do you owe him a complete disclosure of your healing? He's already said he doesn't want you to get help. That is not supportive of you at all. My husband and I have both been in counseling, individually and in marriage counseling, for over two years. It took two years for me to start to talk about my feelings. He still can't tolerate them. He over reacts to them and gets all entitled. This is addict behavior. Their work is to grow up, be responsible for their behavior and feelings, and develop empathy and compassion for others...especially the person they say they want to have an intimate relationship with. So just this week my husband's counselor called our marriage counselor to say that "my depression is causing issues." Um, no. I'm not depressed. Even if I was, it has NOTHING to do with his recovery. And, F them all. So, my therapist has pointed out that my husband can not yet hear me talk about all of my feelings so he distorts them, over reacts, and makes it be all about himself. He just loves playing the victim.

Ideally, we should be able to talk about all of our feelings with our intimate partners. That's not the case with an addict.

Focus on you. On your healing. Tolerate the discomfort of NOT putting your partner first.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:56 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
It is really sad,how our husbands have done this to us.
I went to my appointment..was almost feeling like a out of body experience,knocking on the door,
She seems very nice, but I had no idea what to say, I know it is about me, but all my issues are interwoven with my husbands action's,behaviour, and I wasn't sure she wanted me to start going on about he did this or that,so skirted round it a bit, but it was a huge thing to actually tell someone I felt my marriage was a sham etc.I am hoping I will feel better for it, not sure how it will go, as I haven't spoken to anyone about all this, and now I am thinking she thinks my husband I awful,as I said about my confidence,and being spoken to like a child etc,I came away feeling I had exaggerated his dominance and treatment..i suppose a truer picture will emerge as I think she thinks I just don't love him,hard to express things in one session when you have so much jumbled stuff and no idea how to express what is the true situation ..no idea what will occur but it is better than than the status quo..
I am not going to tell my husband.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2016 2:08 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hi Jenny
First well done for taking a huge step forward.

Second can I express my compassion for you having to deal with SA on top of caring for your mum. I am dealing with it while caring for my mum who has terminal ovarian cancer. I dont live with the SA so its bearable. You are going through a terrible time and still meeting your responsibilities to mum. Pat yourself on the back; you are stronger than you realise.

Third - in my own experience of.counselling and disclosure- I just said it. It's just words. Secrets have power over us. Telling someone the truth is a huge relief. It gets things into perspective. And.a.well-trained counsellor won't judge you and certainly not for someone else's behaviour. And if she thinks your h is a sh*t so what? As long as she never speaks to him it doesn't matter.

Also: your counsellor wants you to talk about what you need to talk about. That's why you're there. Don't feel you can't say something because she might not want to hear it. She chose to be a counsellor because she wants to listen. Let her do her job.

My counsellor introduced me to the drama triangle 'persecutor-victim-rescuer'. I owe her a huge debt for that. I now only speak to the SA as one adult to another on an equal footing. I am not his parent or naughty child. I am an intelligent woman with my own mind, ideas and right to live in peace. So are you. Reclaim your identity my sister. SS x

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2016 8:03 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Thankyou, I do feel some relief on making a first step, the therapist said I should feel comfortable with her etc, I am just not used to voicing emotion,or events..but I sm sure it will get easier, just her asking questions about me..and me saying it was hard as my problems seem connected to husbands..i haven't actually said the Sa words to her,...but I am sure I will be guided by her, it I very hard to Sa shat has occurred, j sat holding back fears several times,
And yes, what with my mum and that worry and the fact I had to help with my dads terminal cancer,for several years,till his death two years ago,then straight into caring for mum..and the lastest d day was while I was struggling with all that..it brought it to a head, so I hope I can get things out..though I feel like a tell tale if I bring husband into I..but truth is it is his addiction that brought me to this and has broken my spirit...i either let that continue,or I try to sort myself..we will see, I come from a stoic family who tend to suffer in silence,so I feel a fraud even going to a Dr..lol


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