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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 6:32 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 16, 2016 7:25 am
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Hello! So my boyfriend has been in recovery for about two months now. I know it's early recovery so I'm still in limbo. I have been trying to work on myself I'm still having major anxiety issues and not trusting him. He has gone to meetings(has not partake in the 12 steps yet) taking medication. I have seen a little change in him and his willingness to open up. He told me about one of his slips and I was really surprised because he'd usually lie. His therapist stated he majored in sexuality and he's an addiction therapist. Well this week my bf and I had an argument because my bf was looking at porn while I was in the other room cooking. It escalated to a point where I was threatening to leave and he told me to just leave which really hurt my feelings. We made an appointment to talk to his therapist. I have talked to him before and he had told us the relationship is not going to last due to all the betrayals. So this time we went in and he kept telling us the same thing. I wanted him to help us communicate a little better and he changed the subject and said my bf is better off being single so he can explore himself and have sex on whoever he wants to and focus on his recovery :/. That men need outlets and his is porn. And that staying in a relationship is holding us back. Fine I understand that being single is an easy way out and I have thought about it but decided to stay and see if he recovers. He has taken the right steps to end his addictions. He says that he knows that his behavior is hurting others . At the same time he does admit he still thinks about having sex with other women (which is understandable due to the addiction I understand he's not going to be able just to stop his thoughts ) the important thing to me is if he sleeps around or not. And of course watching his health instead of his behaviors . His health seems to be better . He has been wanting to exercise and he has been. He's been speaking up for himself when he wants to do a hobby by himself (usually he'd get resentful towards me and I had no idea why ) which in return I leave the room or I stay in the room and start reading which has been working for both of us . But I'm really upset because his therapist keeps telling him and I to be single. And by him slipping is telling me that he wants out of the relationship (without taking responsibility subconsciously) I don't agree with this either. I really believe if he really wanted out he'd leave because he has left other girlfriends before. He says he wants to be with me and he's hoping his therapist will help him with his urges. I don't think this therapist will as he didn't sound to educated on addiction. My therapist is giving me hope and told me that where he started off where he is now it sounds like he's taking steps. I know it's only time when I'll be able to really see if he's sincere or not. I'm just worried that his therapist is going to keep urging him to leave the relationship.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2016 1:49 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Wow. Sounds like his counsellor doesn't believe its an addiction. He seems to think its a normal behaviour or a choice your boyfriend is making. Question is: is that because he sucks as a counsellor or because that's what your bf is telling him?

Most advisers say don't make any big decisions for the first 6 months. I wonder why he's pushing another agenda? He may well be right that the relationship wont survive but that's your call not his. He sounds very controlling. Question is, how is that affecting you?

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2016 6:20 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Kris - "Sexuality" counselors often don't believe in sex/love/porn addiction. They think it is a prudish, repressive culture that prevents people from exploring their sexual interests. Kind of miss out on the whole objectification/cruelty/deceit/withholding/abuse thing. Really miss out on the fear of intimacy and the destruction of love. My painful view of your situation is that this counselor is working very much against you and your best interest. You are being harmed. Please don't go see him again. He's abusing you.

I have also suffered from abuse from therapists. That said, I have a wonderful therapist right now who is helping me. If you can, you may want to find your own counselor to help you.

I feel for you. My discovery of my husband's addictions occurred after over 30 years of marriage. It's devastating, but I am healing. That said, I can tell you without hesitation if I knew what I know now, I would have left my husband when I was younger.

I agree with shell shocked that you don't have to make any decisions right away. You have time to consider what is in your best interest.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2016 7:54 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 16, 2016 7:25 am
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Thank you for the replies! I'm not sure what my bf is telling him. I know my bf knows there is a problem. He says that he knows his behaviors hurt others around him (he also says that he is not hurting himself though in the process when he acts out... Denial or truth?) So the therapist might be reading into that and not calling him out on how it could hurt him and has been. He actually is supporting the fact that he should act out and he'll be happier. I called out the therapist telling him if people are using sex to comfort feelings then how can one by truly happy? He then responded that there are people out there that use sex for comfort and it's a life and but not a happy one. That's when I was really confused on how he could say that stuff but then tell me my bf to act out. He also says he has no identity and dissociates his feelings and lacks motivation. (I already knew all of this because of RN) so he didn't really tell me anything I didn't know about. Fortunately, I do have my own therapist that I talk to over the phone. He validated my feelings and couldn't believe what the other therapist said . I believe that his therapist is not to knowledgeable with sex addiction . So I'm trying to focus on me and my recovery it's really tough because I care and I want him to get better. I know that it takes a long time to recover from this. Thank you for the advice Dnell I won't be going back. This has happened twice with the therapist and everytime I come out of there I'm crying (not a good sign).


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