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PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2015 3:33 pm 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 331
I've been with a SA partner for many years, most of it rocky, and a lot of setbacks. Dday took place six years ago, when he admitted years of severe P addiction and also years of AO. He also drinks heavily and sometimes reverts to smoking tobacco, which he has said is sexually stimulating for him. He is diabetic and does not live in what I would consider a healthy way, as he doesn't test his blood sugar levels, becasue he doesn't want to spend his limited money on diabetic supplies. He also has complete erectile dysfunction and has told me recently that he is waiting to hear about his medical coverage which will come into effect once his file is processed at the revenue office, before he will go see a doctor again, as he only recently got his income tax paperwork submitted after a two year lapse.

He says he wants to deal with the ED, but meanwhile he is not very affectionate with me and is not interested in doing ANYTHING sexual with me if he can't get an erection. So we don't have any sex of any sort anymore and haven't for a year and a half except for making out slightly a couple of times, when he lost interest after a few minutes and wanted to get up and go read a book. So our sex life is essentially non-existent and he gets very angry at me if I ever want to talk about it or suggest councelling, either together or for him to seek it for himself. Lately I haven't, and I haven't been bringing up anything about how he's coming along in recovery. I've been mainly focusing on myself and my current housing issues. It has been a pressing matter, and I have a deadline to vacate my house in a few weeks.
He is also chronically depressed. He has not been sexual with me for a long time, except for fleeting kisses mostly hello and goodbye kisses, for about a year and a half now. But I have been trying to hang in and see if things improve, since we've been together for twenty years, and at times I see signs of improvement (less drinking, better diet, etc) especially compared to the lowest ebb of his SA, which occupied most of his waking hours before his Dday confession. Before dday he frequently found reasons to get me to leave and he would ask me to phone before coming over. On the few occasions I showed up unannounced he usually had some evidence of P, solitary drinking, and heavy tobacco use.

But he has told me in the last few weeks that he simply has lost all interest in sex lately. Also, lately he often doesn't even hug or kiss me, even if we haven't seen each other for several days. It's heartbreaking but I didn't want to make any major changes until my serious housing crisis is over, as I am losing the home I've been renting for years, as it was recently sold to a developer who plans to put in a different building.

Recently I met another man who showed interest in me, and I found him not only attractive but also a really interesting person. Last summer he communicated that he liked me, but I didn't feel it was right to pursue anything with him, since I was still trying to give my current partner a chance to see if things would improve, althoguh they still really haven't.

I was also concerned that HE ALSO might have had some sexual problems, and that maybe I was a romantic fantasy for him, so I chose not to try to talk to him more, and also he didn't continue trying to talk to me and made no effort to see me. Over the winter I ran into him occasionally, and the more I knew about him and the more I sensed that he still was attracted to me, the more I thought about exploring the possibility of a relationship with him, considering also that the relationship with my SA partner had stalled, and after I told SA that I was planning to consider dating other men if the opportunity was there with someone I could be interested in. Shortly after that, in the spring, I finally opened up to this new guy and told him I was interested. He then told me he got married over the winter.

So I managed to turn my attention to other things, although whenever this new guy crossed paths with me, I noticed him looking at me with the same vibe as before, like he really has the hots for me. Maybe even more so, now that he knows I like him back. But I've only ever been polite and impersonal with him in how I talk with him. However, I'm sure he can tell I still like him. All my friends can see it too, the way he pays attention to me. But I try to avoid thinking of him.

So I've continued to spend time with my SA, who has been helping me with moving, and this has been a really hard time for me, since it has taken a long time to find a new place, which I think I did this week, but no matter what, I MUST leave as the landlord is taking over the property and tearing down the house I've lived in for years.

So I've been busy at my place a lot, househunting, packing etc.

Then yesterday, when we were discussing me going to his place tonight, he surprised me and asked me to phone before I come over instead of us agreeing on a general time like we usually do. This request for me to phone when I'm on my way is something he only used to do when he was AO or watching P. So hearing him ask for that yesterday bothered me a little, but he said he might want to go out for groceries, as he is low on supplies, and so I said okay, but it did bother me a little. But since my occasional -- maybe once a month -- review of his online use has revealed NO viewing of P, I put it out of my mind. Also he told me recently that he's glad he no longer watches P.

When I've been online at my place, lately I have been using a tablet that is connected to HIS internet supplier, as it's linked to his account. Anyway, last night, while I was searching for something online, a screen popped up -- this seems like a unique feature of this tablet -- that lists recent search history.

And there I noticed a recent search for my SA's favorite P model, as well as another search, which turned out to be a brand new P model who sort of looks like a cross between that P favorite model and a younger, fitter, more voluptous version of me.

Now I realize that he isn't living in a healthy way. And that he has been dishonest again. And even if the P is minimized, and he scans a lot less now too, the fact is that he has abandoned me sexually in favour of P. That's a lot worse than if he had a relatively good sex life with minor slips and that soet of thing. Now I see that ALL of his sexual interest is elsewhere, away from me. I feel hurt, betrayed, bitter -- and angry that I might have missed out on a possibly thrilling experience with the new man who got away, when I tried giving a chance to a man who I now think is not really making any reasonable effort to relate to me. And my SA did say to me that one of the readons he is withdrawn from me sexually is because he is very angry that I still have piles of clothes at his place, which I will be able to tske away completely in the next couple of months. Another reason that I've tried to hang I -- because maybe soon there won't be that reason to be angry once I clear my stuff out.

Nevertheless, I am hugely disappointed and upset that he is making unhealthy choices to manage his emotions, while being secretuve with me and not finding a way to get perspective and be patient while I've been going through a very rough time with losing my home, not being able to work due to an injury on my hand last month, and having a terribke and time-consuming struggle with finding a place in the expensive region we live in where the current rental vacancy rate is 1%. But he hasn't had much empathy with my challenges. He is mostly focused on the mess at his place. I suggested he just wait a little bit longer. But he iss just angr almost all the time and doesn't even really like talking about the move, and doesn't do much to try to comfort me. But he has been helpful with driving me around. And he still calls me by the pet name he uses for me, a name I always have found endearing, and he knows I like it.

Okay, so I will be seeing him later today. I didn't want to confront him over the phone. But I feel like I want to communicate with him now that I discovered this. He is not only back to P, but not being honest. Obviously not honest about the P use but also not honest about not being interested in sex. If he's looking at P, then clearly he DOES still think about sex. Just not in connection with me.

I turned on x-rated search controls today on my tablet, which will prevent him from accessing any of those sites. I did it to get even, although I know I probably should remove the block. And since I'm not seeing any chanve for the better in terms of him wanting to be sexual with me, I feel like I have nothing to lose, even with an ultimatum or a trial separation. Or a complete split up. But I guess I would like to see if things change in any positive way once I clean his place up, which I should be able to do by next month.

Also, tomorrow would have been his mother's birthday and we had special plans for some annual events this weekend, so I don't know if I should wait or what? And I suppose I should remove the P block online. I'm also thinking of whether I should try to prompt him to lie. I could say something like, "I'm so happy you are watching all those documentaries lately while I've been busy. Isn't it nice now that you never look at P any more?" and then let him say yes, and then show him my evidence on my tablet and therefore PROVE that I know what's going on.

The fact is that even if he DOES get over his anger once I get my stuff out of his place, that still doesn't resolve the return to P and the secrecy, which is not okay with me, and I don't want a relationship with anyone who has those values and isn't really changing that pattern of deception, not to mention the current sexual abandonment. The fact is that when he's been in a sexual mood in the past, the ED drugs have worked. And if he's looking at P, it's not true that he never thinks of sex. He just doesn't think of it in connection with me.

I don't know how to deal with this, and I can't figure out where, when and how to confront him. I don't really want to wait. I don't want to have a fight either. And I don't know if I should remove the online block. Mostly I don't know how to say things constructively. I feel so hurt, betrayed, and abandoned that it's hard to feel like beingmkind and compassionate with him. So I thought I'd turn to you folks first. And if you think any of your feedback could be triggering in any way to others, then please give your feedback to me in a pm.

Except for turning on the x-rated search block, which will prevent him from being able to access any P sites, I am not really freaking out. And I will remove the block if it seems like a good idea. Please give me feedback and advice abiut what to say or do, now that I am at the end of my rope, and fully prepared to terminate this relationship if there's no rwal hope of it ever changing. I'm no longer optimistic. And very unhappy that I might be in a relationship that is looking more and more like things will never change in terms of sexually and romantically. Please help me figure out wharto say. I want to dialogue with him about this tonight, so feedback now would be really helpful. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get all this off my chest.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:15 am 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 331
Well, I know the posting was long, and maybe that's why no one replied. Anyway, I did bring this up with my SA, who immediately denied that he had looked up any P lately. I told him I didn't believe him. Then later this week, the same thing happened: I saw a search on my tablet and confronted him again. This time he admitted to looking at the P this week.

So I now see nothing's really changed for the better. He said that sex has only brought him disappointment and that the downside of relationships has not been worth being in relationships. He said that he doesn't want to be sexual at this point in his life, and that avoiding P is a struggle. He said that there isn't anything he can really do to change and asked me what else he might do, as if he doesn't already know. There's counseling, RN, reading books, journalling. I told him that he already knows what resources there are, and I said "If you can look up P, you can just as easily use that same amount of time to read RN forums or lessons, even if you don't want to join and do the lessons yourself. But you can see what others have done to deal with their struggles."

Later, he said that he no longer wants to talk about sex with me, and that he doesn't blame me if I decide to date anyone else, under the circumstances, and that if he ever changes his mind, he'll let me know. But he said that he doubts he will ever feel passionate towards me again.

This is on the eve of his birthday. At least he's been a big help getting me moved to my new place that I found last week. It's a nice place, too, and it will be good to get a fresh start. But it's also sad that he has now rejected me sexually. At least I know where I stand. I do feel resentful though, that I held back with New Guy, and now have lost that opportunity as well, while I was waiting to see if things might settle down between my SA and me, and if our relationship could possibly be salvaged. Now I guess it can't and I have no one. I will be turning 61 next month, and it feels really challenging to be getting back into the dating game after being with one person for twenty years. But if he really doesn't want me, at least it's better to know that, than to keep hanging in for nothing.

At least we're still friends, and as far as pals he has been a good friend to me. But I feel sad that it's come to this, and I know I don't want to give up sex for the rest of my life, so I guess I have to keep my options open and see about meeting someone new.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:27 am 

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:55 am
Posts: 59
I'm so sorry for all the pain you ( and all of us here) have had to endure. You don't deserve this! You never deserved this pain and you do not deserve ever to be treated the way that your partner has, and is, treating you! It is so difficult for all of us to see how bad the emotional abuse is when we are immersed in it, but as we detach even a little we start to see reality better. Also reaching out, as you have just done by posting, is so helpful. You are healing even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it and it never seems to be as fast as we'd like. I hope that everything gets much better for you very soon. I wouldn't focus on finding a new sexual partner so much as on gaining your strength and power back by embracing your recovery. All sorts of new opportunities and fulfillment will be forthcoming when we are ready for them. Your partner may even be stimulating himself by your looking for a new sexual partner. I know you are much stronger and deserving than you think you are - look at what you've endured, and what a loving, caring person you are!
With warmest thoughts. Keep in touch.

PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 8:28 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:22 pm
Posts: 124
Hi Healthlove,

I've been meaning to reply for a while, but there's a lot here and I've been in the middle of my own issues, so haven't found the time. I'm sorry you had to post a few times before getting a reply. I hope you didn't get too discouraged. It might be helpful in the future to ask a succinct question at the end of your post, which might give folks something direct to respond to.

I want to start by acknowledging how hard things must be in your transition to a new place. I just moved out with my kids in Dec/Jan, and I know what an upheaval it is. On the other hand, it gave me some much-needed distance and healthy perspective. You deserve so much more than it sounds like you're getting from your partner.

Now for some straight talk, which I'm going to share from the heart.

Healthlove wrote:
He also drinks heavily and sometimes reverts to smoking tobacco, which he has said is sexually stimulating for him

Healthlove wrote:
he gets very angry at me if I ever want to talk about it or suggest councelling

Healthlove wrote:
he surprised me and asked me to phone before I come over instead of us agreeing on a general time like we usually do. This request for me to phone when I'm on my way is something he only used to do when he was AO or watching P.

Healthlove wrote:
And my SA did say to me that one of the readons he is withdrawn from me sexually is because he is very angry that I still have piles of clothes at his place

Healthlove wrote:
he hasn't had much empathy with my challenges

Other addictions to alcohol and tobacco, anger, your gut reactions to signs from previous acting out, blame-shifting about your clothes, lack of empathy--even if you didn't find porn on his history, even if he didn't lie about it, you are getting some very clear signs of a man who is not only in active addiction, but who is not even attempting to recover. I see that you've done a lot of work in your recovery thread, so I'm wondering: what's preventing you from applying what you've learned about addiction here? Why do you need to look at his history when the evidence you need is right there on a daily basis?

Healthlove wrote:
t's also sad that he has now rejected me sexually

You seem to be preoccupied with your partner's lack of being sexual with you. I know you know this because of all the work you've done, but it sounds like you haven't internalized it, so I'll remind you that his rejection of you has nothing to do with you. This is his addiction. It's not something that will be simply solved with erectile dysfunction prescription. It's so hard not to take it personally. Why do you think you're taking it personally given what you know about addiction?

Healthlove wrote:
I have been trying to hang in and see if things improve

Healthlove wrote:
I was waiting to see if things might settle down between my SA and me, and if our relationship could possibly be salvaged.

Waiting to see if things improve sounds like a healthy response for someone whose partner is making sincere attempts at recovery. Waiting to see if things improve when your partner is not even getting off the couch to attempt recovery seems futile. How do you think this change you're waiting for will happen? How long are you willing to wait until it does? And most importantly, how are you going to prevent the damage to your values while you wait?

Healthlove wrote:
whenever this new guy crossed paths with me, I noticed him looking at me with the same vibe as before, like he really has the hots for me. Maybe even more so, now that he knows I like him back.

This would be a huge red flag for me, knowing that this person is recently married and showing interest in you. I know in your previous posts about New Guy that others have pointed out red flags about this guy (his joke about getting arrested or something?). I wonder why you feel like you've missed an opportunity for being with this person? Is it in line with your values to be with someone who is married and showing interest in someone else?

Healthlove wrote:
At least we're still friends, and as far as pals he has been a good friend to me.

I think it was ursula who challenged me when I had a similar response about still being friends with my partner. My reasoning was that I wanted to have a constructive co-parenting relationship with him. But ursula challenged me on whether one could truly be friends with someone who continues to damage your values. This really hit home with me. Would a good friend continue to lie to you? What do you hope to gain from continuing a friendship with him?

Healthlove wrote:
I have no one. I will be turning 61 next month, and it feels really challenging to be getting back into the dating game

What's the hurry to begin dating? I encourage you to work on the workshop and complete it. You definitely have the energy and focus to put the work in, given the volume of responses in your healing thread. Why don't you take this fresh start in your new place and turn inward to work on your own health? Before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else, you have to bring your healthiest self to it. I do hope you can focus on the lessons and give yourself the love you've been craving. Your screen name says it all.

Healthlove wrote:
I don't know how to deal with this, and I can't figure out where, when and how to confront him.

I think this is what you were asking--help with how to confront him. Sounds like you found a way. You have more answers than you realize.

To new beginnings,
(still) Rising

PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2016 4:54 am 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 331
I really want to thank everyone for your kind and thoughtful and thought-provoking responses. They mean a lot to me.

Much has happened since I started this thread. I am only returning to RN now after months of being away.

I was right in the middle of moving in August when I stopped going onto RN completely. The move was very stressful and exhausting and not at all good (except for the important fact that I did move into a nice place that I really like overall). But I had an injury in the middle of looking for a new place, and on painkillers for a few weeks, and was very behind schedule. Also, it was really traumatic having to leave the place I called home for many years. And having to leave behind some of my possessions when I ran out of time to pack everything. That was just a few months ago and I still unpacking -- but that's the exciting part and the more I fix the place up, the happier I feel in what has just started to feel like home only in the last couple of months.

My SA helped a lot with the move though, and brought over lots of bags and boxes to my new place, which is actually turning out to be quite a good place to be. I like the suite, the location, the proximity to good transit service, and it has been a good change (I had no choice about leaving the last place as it was being demolished by the new owner).

RisingtoChallenge brought up some great points about my values and I realize now that it is pointless to try to be friends with a married man. I have not run into him very often, fortunately, and I also now realize that if he was so quick to get married after he told me he liked me, then obviously his affection for me was only superficial or maybe just lust and nothing more. Which is NOT what I want.

Meanwhile, my SA has had another round of really towing the line with booze. He is more in touch with his feelings and able to express them. Which include that he is not and has not been able to feel much ever in the way of romantic feelings ever since he was a youth. He says he is "wired" that way. I suspect that the negative experiences he witnessed at home, combined with the sexual assault he experienced at the age of 20 have more to do with his difficulty in feeling open, enthusiastic, and vulnerable.

I have finally told him that I need to give myself permission to move on. This is really hard to do after 20 years of trying to have a romantic and sexual relationship. The fact was that when he was able to be sexual I think we had a certain closeness that is absent or vastly reduced now. I don't feel like I am a priority to him. He rarely expresses affection, such as hugs and hand-holding. Even when I told him I might want to date other guys and explore other relationship possibilities, he shrugged it off, saying it's fine if that's what I need to do. He really seemed like he didn't mind, which was heart-wrenching. I wanted him to say and express that he needed me. But he doesn't.

The ED drugs had been making a difference, because when he was somewhat functional, he was more inclined to hug me and act affectionate. Now that he has refused to take them, he is very detached and undemonstrative.

Meanwhile, just a few weeks ago, I spent many hours doing a new work project with a man I had met briefly a year or so ago, but we never worked together before. We hit it off, and talked about many things including relationships. He told me he is completely into monogamy and fidelity. Of course, I sat up and took notice. I will call him Brand New Guy.

He always acted like a gentleman when we worked together alone for about 30 hours. And then a few weeks ago, he came over to my new place, and spent several hours helping me unpack and organize it. He told me he has been rejected by a previous partner and is very reluctant to get involved with anyone new, and that these wounds he has are quite recent and raw. But he also acts like he is attracted to me and I have now seen him in a social setting on a few occasions. And it appears, based on what he says, that he shares my values about relationships, and about sex within a relationship. We have stayed in touch on social media in recent weeks but that's it.

He said he wants to be friends and that's all, but he has acted like he is genuinely interested in me on a sexual and romantic level, based on some of the things he has said and how he acts towards me. So I don't know if it's just that he wants to get to know me gradually and not feel pressured to jump into a new relationship when he's still not really over his ex . . . or that he just isn't interested in a relationship with ME, even though he might feel some degree of attraction or maybe appreciation that I seem to like HIM. Either way, whether as potential lovers or maybe just good friends, it's a refreshing feeling to have someone new in my life that I can talk and laugh with, and who does make me feel desired, even if nothing ever comes of it in terms of actually having a romantic/sexual relationship.

It proves to me that it could happen. And it also raises the bar: I realize there is at least one man who values monogamy and emotional connection, who treats me respectfully, and who I can really talk with. Maybe there could be others. In fact, it's probably a good idea for me to force myself to see other guys too, so I won't have the feeling that this new person is just a substitute for my SA, and for him to become a rebound relationship. Maybe the same is true for him and it would serve the same purpose if he dates around too at this point.

Perhaps at some point, he will want to try relating to me on a deeper level, and I might still be available at that point too. Or maybe my SA will continue on his new path of self-growth and realize he doesn't want to lose me forever, if I am away on my own for some time, and he starts to genuinely miss me. Who knows? But it's nice to have freedom right now. And to realize I don't need to rush anything with anyone, but to see how things evolve, primarily based on what I want and what feels right to ME.

Besides, I wasn't looking for a big change right now. I am not ready to just "jump ship" and go almost straight from one man to another.

it's nice to know that I have my own space in a nice new place, where I can focus on myself. And for now, I am remaining friends with everyone, but trying to mostly focus on what I need to do for myself more than anything else. However, this is very emotionally difficult for me -- having to give up a dream that my SA would finally come around and that I would find the relationship to be romantically and sexually fulfilling. I am now realizing that it is pleasant at times and that we even have some really fun moments, but that for the most part, my SA is quite emotionally distant and really doesn't seem to care if we have a sexual relationship or not. In fact, I am starting to think he prefers a platonic relationship. Also, the excessive boozing has probably had a real impact on his hormones and desire and has been a factor in the deadening of his feelings. But he also knows I don't want to wait around when I could be exploring other potential partners who very well might be interested in relating to me enthusiastically on various levels.

But whether or not that ever happens, time will tell.

Meanwhile, I feel exhausted and depleted a lot of the time lately. I have been sleeping a lot and feeling sad about losing my dream of having a fairy tale romance and love life with my SA. If he does change his living habits, maybe his enthusiasm for living will return and maybe he will want to relate to me on the levels I want. But I am not holding my breath. Nor am I waiting around for it to happen.

If feels strange to be considering other men. But I am doing that mindfully and with my eyes and heart open. At least this whole roller coaster ride has given me greater insight on what I really want in life. And meeting Brand New Guy has given me a reason to think that something new and exciting could be out there for me once I am ready to explore it. I am still cautiously optimistic.

Thanks again everyone SOOO much for the wonderful -- and candid -- feedback. :sat: :sat:

PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:56 am 

Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Wowser, Healthlove, what a journey you have been on! I am just reading the whole thread this am and thinking to myself that you are, indeed, on the road to taking care and focusing on yourself---the best relationship you will always, always, always have is the one with yourself.....don't discount it in favor of another!
Blessings in your new nest........take care of yourself!!!

It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!

PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:15 am 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 331
Thank you for the support Kajer. It's been a while since I've been on the site and more has happened. I did see the Brand New Guy again a couple of times. Once was at a dance in January. He was a bit standoffish but I also knew that he was giving me indications in the previous time I saw him that he wanted to stick with just being friends, that he is not ready for a new relationship, even though he seemed to say and do flirtatious things. But as he was leaving the dance I acted like I would like to kiss him, and even though he didn't try to kiss me, he looked happy.

Then a couple of weeks ago I went to his house to get some probiotic juice from him. We chatted, watched a movie, and had fun. I hugged him and thought he might want to kiss me. But he didn't. He pulled away and said he's not the one for me, and that he'd been meaning to tell me for a while that he doesn't want a romantic relationship.

I texted him when I got home and said that I was coming from a place of affection, but that I felt bad that he felt put upon. He said that it was okay, and that we all make mistakes of too much display of affection at times. Then he acted like it never happened and has continued liking my facebook posts like he's been doing for months, so now I see he really only wants a virtual relationship or platonic one.

I sat down with my SA and talked about in the last year there have been two guys I've been interested in but that nothing ever came of those connections, not even a kiss -- which is true. But I didn't elaborate to the extent to say that I WOULD have kissed either of them had the opportunity been there. Yet even though I never did kiss anyone, I still feel guilty somehow. Even though I warned my SA that I have been open to the possibility of dating other guys.

Anyway, my SA has actually been a bit romantic lately. Cuddly a bit. And talking about things in a more open and mature way. But still nothing overt in the sexual department and that doesn't make me feel good. I miss that in my life. And now it looks like I have the same old problem: either live a celibate life with my SA, or keep my options open and try seeing other guys again, if anyone interesting comes along.

But the thought of doing that makes me feel bad, because I am not sure I want to close the door on my SA, in case he does come around, since we're talking well, and he has told me that my criticizing him is what turns him off. And the thought of kissing another person makes me feel guilty. Even though it's only kissing and even though I wouldn't get into anything more than that unless we'd talked about sexual exclusivity and I knew I was leaving my SA for sure.

So I am very mixed up about how to continue. Do I leave my SA in the hopes of finding someone else? Do I continue to spend time with my SA until someone else comes along? Do I commit to my SA in the hopes that it becomes sexual again? Do I simply wait and see what happens, without any plans or commitments? I am really not sure what to do.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2016 7:15 am 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 331
Hi everyone. I've had quite a while to consider my options and take a step back and really figure out what is meaningful for me. I managed to map out a healthy course of action, continuing with doing the work I needed to do for survival as well as trying to find balance in life, with friends, with getting adjusted to my move, and realizing how I did feel like I wanted to hang in with my SA since things were improving somewhat.

Then this summer he had a heart attack and some medical intervention and a stay in the hospital. That was a wake-up call and I realize that just as with his SA, I need to step back and let him figure out how he wants to live and what to do.

I have also learned to communicate better and really honor my personal boundaries and communicate them to him. I realize I will not allow him to emotionally sabotage my happiness anymore. I do not go along with yelling, and if I am feeling intimidated by what he says to me or how he says it, I tell him how I feel.

A few weeks ago, I found some new P that he had printed out. It was coupled with other things that usually were associated with P, so I should have known something was up. Anyway this time I did NOT freak out. I am so happy with how I reacted and was able to keep the lines of communication open.

I expressed a wish that he take more concrete steps to keep it from happening. I realize he really struggles with anxiety and has a hard time appreciating things even when they are good. But I know he's going through a lot. Meanwhile I am doing quite well despite that. Amazingly after all I've been through.

I've had the chance to contemplate a lot about why it's so vitally important to focus mainly on myself and to really look at how I can improve my OWN living habits and all that good stuff. I realize I have a LOT to do yet. But I am seeing them. And communicating them to my SA which I think he really appreciates.

He's been more affectionate with me lately, especially since the last P episode a few weeks ago. He even informed me that he discarded it. I didn't even ask him to, just laid it nicely near his desk and left the responsibility for it entirely in his hands. I'M FINALLY STARTING TO GET HOW THIS WORKS!!!!! :g: :sat:

Glad RN is here to support me when I need it. You have taught me a lot. Next step: get back to the lessons! :g:

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