Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:08 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 5:08 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
I've known for a while that my husband doesn't like himself very much, but it became even more obvious in a conversation we had the other day. I was saying that our relationship won't get any better until he learns to stop hiding behind a façade and show himself to people. I felt very calm and certain of my feelings when we talked, which is HUGE progress for me. Normally I get side-tracked by his reactions, empathise too much and eventually lose my way. But I feel stronger now, much of which is thanks to the great support and understanding I've received here. He said 'what if you don't like what you see', 'the real me is different', and that I wouldn't be able to handle the truth of him. Whatever that means. He keeps such a tight lid on everything, every emotion, good or bad, and I think is terrified that someone will actually see who he is. It must be exhausting.

Then later that day, he lost his temper over something small over dinner. He banged the table with his fist, shouted and swore at me, in front of the children. Something he never does. I could see absolute fury in his eyes. He has so much bottled-up anger. It has blown up at times over the years and I've shrunk from it, but this time I didn't and I asked him not to speak to me like that. I felt strong. But I also wondered afterwards if I could ever really relax, be myself and at ease with him, when he has that rage in him. It's always there in the background - that unpredictability. It was such a dark look in his eyes.

So, have you seen anger / rage in your SA partner? Is it something that goes with their self-loathing? It really makes me sceptical about us having a future together. What if he takes the lid off, and that's what's really underneath...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 7:24 pm 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Beachcomber, my husband doesn't like himself either and is desperate to be liked (well, "adored" by the "perfect one") and he has this false façade. I think it goes hand in hand with this addiction and is one of it's root causes.

On rage.... My husband was a rageaholic our whole marriage. Honestly, why I put up with it I'll never know. It was actually Jon's lesson about anger here at RN that made my husband realize how angry he was. So in my case, the rage was there and it progressed as the addiction progressed. I know my husband used it as another form of stimulation and to fuel his addiction. He also used it to keep his addiction hidden from me and to back me off whenever I got too close. Like dishonesty, my husband used rage as a life management tool.

So, in addition to distrust, I fear my husband's rage. We work on this in MC. Part of my denial was not really acknowledging my husband's relentless rage. It was part of his abuse.

Can they stop raging? Well, sure, if they become mature and learn to manage their emotions. I have really learned that this is an area where my boundaries are critical.

dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 3:28 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I have become more aware of this rage over time, now I know he is sa and have begun to find more strength, I can pull him up on it.
I have no idea if he self loathes as he puts across an air of self righteousness and justification. Each time I have found evidence in the past,his first response has always been "I forgive you for looking..etc". Sometimes all I need do is look up if he is humming and he snarls"aren't I even allowed to sing"..whereas if I hum he will say what's wrong with you, you are getting like your mum(hurtful,as she has dementia) or start mimicking me by humming loudly
He doesn't smile a lot when we are doing things, once a passerby commented on his "evil eyes" and he has always played the martyre when doing anything for us or anyone,though he is overly charming to women colleagues or employers..yup, the need to be appreciated, offering to go above and beyond..at the same time moaning hos much be has to do. He had one of those employer evaluations at work...and it came back that he was not showing his true self,was being too compliant,etc and that he was too eager to please, the texts and exercises are designed to pick up things without the person realising..so for sure he puts on a facades at work
He has always blown up over trivial things, decorating the house is a nightmare, he lost his temper a lot with the kids over small issues, worst was kicking our coffee table and yelling that he wasn't in the mood at our little grandson who was playing up by his feet...such an outburst that my daughter shouted at him about child abuse not bring the answer..
So I realise there is a lot of anger inside that comes out at trivial things, I put this down to his feeling of being tied,trapped,and agitated that he cannot get on with his sa activities, I say this because I became addicted to a pop star online at one point, and everyone became so annoying and in my way as i was preoccupied with wanting to get online or record tv programs he was on, so my short temper was not due to self loathing,but the agitation of not being free to get on doing what I wanted..but he also uses it,I am sure, to build himself up to act out, to justify it all, after all I,or we..have annoyed him so much, or I am so awful etc he deserves it..he also uses anger to keep me from saying things..to end discussions,stop me in my tracks if I start anything difficult..counselling has made me see I have kept myself in denial and nit stop up to him due to fear of his temper,
I have never had husband show it say anything showing self loathing..even though his fetishs are all chastisement,humiliation...which in my mind do point to him feeling not worthy.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 5:10 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Thanks dnell & jenny56.

Tbh, I fear my husband's anger at times as well dnell. The outbursts he has had over the years (far fewer in recent years) shook me and made me feel on edge in various situations. I never knew if he would be really rude and / or lose his temper with someone if he was in that kind of mood. He's worked hard to control it, but has never dealt with what's behind it. And he wondered why I couldn't relax and be uninhibited with him during sex? I don't know if I ever felt fully at ease with him or that I could be myself. The thing that keeps me here for now is that I see a core of decency in him and wonder if something good is possible, if he does the work on himself.

'He had one of those employer evaluations at work...and it came back that he was not showing his true self,was being too compliant,etc and that he was too eager to please, the texts and exercises are designed to pick up things without the person realising..so for sure he puts on a facades at work'
Jenny56, that sounds so like my husband.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2016 3:32 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I have to add..i sneaked a look at his evaluation tables/notes etc, as although he told me he was having the evaluation...he didn't say a word about the results, and hid the sheets away,he has never mentioned it since....which says something.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2016 4:57 pm 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
I think Jon said "manage your emotions, manage your addiction."

I think my husband's rage comes from his early trauma. Better to identify with the aggressor rather than the victim. It's been very interesting to see my husband struggle with the awareness of how he was an abuser and victimizer. Part of him, the part that was so scared as a little boy, is pretty darn happy to be the one who is scary. Plus his rage really worked. It shut me up and kept me in control. And I have come to realize how controlling my husband was/is. Ironic considering he has been so out of control for so long.

I think his rage is also a reaction to fear and to shame.

But, the rage did become ritualized and really part of his addiction. All of this fed on each other. And my husband was really angry about sex. He doesn't want to admit this either, but it was clear to me that angry sex was "easier" for him. So he has a lot of work to do.

And, what a painful awakening for me to realize I was the victim of his abuse. That I was an emotionally abused wife. In some strange way, I was unable to identify myself as a victim and he was unable to identify himself as a victimizer and he had this constant distorted message that I was victimizing him.

I realize that my thinking became distorted because of this abuse. Frankly, I exhibit symptoms of a battered wife. That has been very, very painful to realize. My work and focus is to heal from all of this in my own work. Once I realized the critical importance of my healing, I stopped caring about his acting out.

He's going to recover or not. He's going to learn to like himself or not. He's going to grow up or not.

In the meantime, our current stumbling block is his need for me to trust him. He still paints himself as a victim since I don't trust him. That's a huge red flag to me about how far he has to go to become a healthy man.

Here's what I know: if he tells me to "get over it", "move on", "let's just start something new", "it's your fault you don't trust me", then I am not in a viable relationship. And, I have told him this. It's now his choice on what he will do. It's my choice on what I will do.

dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group