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PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2016 2:18 pm 

Joined: Wed Sep 07, 2016 10:35 pm
Posts: 57
Weird flash vision 10-19-2016, 12:39AM

I pointed a black pistol at my vagina and pulled the trigger (first person perspective ) Vagina was gone, just an empty space with ripped flesh dripping a bit of blood where the bullet tore it off...

Never had one like that before - nothing even remotely similar.

10-19-2016 12:42pm

I understand it. I was feeling so connected to the visual of the gaping hole where my vagina was supposed to be, with all the ripped flesh, that I was imagining painting it. Figuring out what that would look like. Here's the sketch on a post-it note from this morning. I'm not a good enough artist to capture the right angles in first person perspective so I was sketching what it would look like if I was standing facing it (very rough, just conceptual sketch).

File comment: Concept sketch based on vision.
IMG_0570.JPG [ 66.19 KiB | Viewed 2728 times ]

I felt like I wanted to write on the painting in blood red, with the rest being black and white. Two words, one on each side of my waist.

The first idea that popped into my head was "Self Inflicted", because I shot my own vagina off in the vision.

HOLY SHIT. Holy fucking shit. It all clicked at that exact second.

I did shoot my own vagina off. My vagina is my womanhood, and I killed that. It's my sexuality, and I destroyed that too. It's my power, and I blew it to smitherines.

My reaction to my husband not wanting me was the death of me as a woman. I so desperately needed to fill the gaps left in my soul by my father in childhood and early adulthood that I would not allow myself to even consider that my husband didn't want me either. So I shot my own vagina right off. If it was gone I wouldn't ever have to think about it. I wouldn't have to consider that I was seen as unworthy, unimportant, unnoticeable, invisible, disposable, inadequate, or worthless again. It couldn't be - not by the man who loved me so much...I could completely believe that I was not abandoned, discarded or desperate again...

Has anyone else had visions like this just pop into their heads? I usually have the regular ones (for us) like my husband having sex with another woman, him getting a blowjob, him making out with someone else, filling in what he may be imagining when we see a pretty woman anywhere, etc. Looking for support and feedback please...thank you so much.

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 6:23 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hi Womandestroyed,

The nature of your post is quite assaulting and while I understand that you are seeking support, I am not sure that many people will be able to give support when the post may trigger them.

Traumatic responses are not uncommon but I think you -and anyone else having such invading thoughts and images-should seek professional support from a counsellor or psychologist to help you deal with the trauma as this is beyond the scope of Recovery Nation.

Be well.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2016 12:34 pm 

Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
WomanDestroyed, I can understand why CoachMel has reservations about your illustration for the reasons she described but having been involved in art therapy in the past, what you have drawn would be entirely valid in an art therapy setting. Expressing your feelings in this way is not necessarily a sign or a symptom of anything serious with regard to your mental wellbeing but the difference in an art therapy setting is that you would then have the opportunity to discuss your feelings with the therapist. Art therapy is usually done as a group therapy and even people who are using art therapy, for example after a bereavement, can express some very dark emotions. Outside of that therapeutic environment, such an expression of feeling might be alarming but be assured it's OK to feel as you do. This environment might not quite be the right place as it some people might find it too shocking especially if they are emotionally vulnerable.

When I read your explanation of your drawing, I can certainly relate to some of those feelings. I felt that my womanhood had been destroyed by my partner's addiction, like a physical injury to the parts of my body that made me a 'woman'. For years I felt that I was no longer a woman because these were the very attributes that he rejected in favor of seeking out and looking at other women's bodies. What made me a woman wasn't what he wanted. My body wasn't good enough. Other women's bodies held a far greater interest for him.

After d day I can remember feeling as if HE was the one who had inflicted some painful, crude neutering procedure on me. I felt as if it had been DONE TO me rather than something I inflicted on myself. That's where I felt the hurt and it was like something someone else (him) did to me against my will.

All your feelings are completely normal for the partner of a sex addict/porn addict but that feeling of the destruction of your very womanhood is one that I felt very acutely in the early weeks of my recovery. Pre-recovery, really. It was the despair at what I was finding out during the drawn out process of the drip-feed discovery period. Later on I began to get angry at his utter disrespect for my body. I was like "How dare he treat me like that! Who does he think he is? I deserve more respect than he showed me. Besides, this is my body. It's not some toy he can use and throw away once he gets bored." If I had drawn a picture of my body then I might have drawn it as injured or bleeding just to emphasise how deep the hurt went and how damaged I felt to my very core, but I wouldn't now. My anger is directed towards his behavior. I know addiction isn't necessarily about rejection and dissatisfaction but it still hurts.

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