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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2016 1:32 am 

Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2016 7:02 am
Posts: 15
My hubby confessed his porn addiction 7 months ago and since then we've been on the path of Recovery & Healing. I think that we are on track, but things haven't improved in our relationship - I feel like I am married to an adolescent. He cannot hold a conversation with me, cannot empathise with my feelings and constantly, subtly, rejects me physically and emotionally. We meet with counsellors every 2 weeks, have weekly sessions discussing our Recovery Nation exercises, hardly ever fight and work well together as a team. We have fun together and he is am amazing dad to our baby boy and a great provider for our family. He is just not a husband... he is not a companion to me. I have all of these thoughts and feelings and opinions every day and I imagined that my husband would be the one who I could share these with at the end of the day, but it's just not like that. Will it ever change?
In the meantime, would anyone be willing to talk to me daily (or maybe even every second day) so that I can have a friend until my husband can be that person? All of my friends here have families of their own and are only able to see me every week or so, but I find that it's just not enough... I need a regular, one-on-one connection. Is this a healthy request, or am I being too needy?

PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 10:57 pm 

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:09 pm
Posts: 44
I don't know how healthy or unhealthy or needy or un-needy(?) your request is, but I can certainly understand why you're making it. It's very lonely, this SA partner business. Having no one to vent to or to hear you out or just to bounce yourself off of makes you feel more alone. I lived almost in isolation like that for 4 of mine and my husband's years, and remember it well. As long as it's not against any rules or anything, I would be happy to chat. I'm sure others would be as well. We all need support, and it's hard to find a safe place for this to come out. I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, or just a listening ear, but I check in for exercises almost every day and would be most happy to chat. Anything I can do to make this a little more bearable for someone in our position :)

It's what you do with the time you have left.

PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2016 6:01 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Consider that addiction is a pattern of learned behaviours (complete with physical and associated psychological responses) developed to mastery. Recovery is similarly an exercise in learning (and also forgetting). It stands to reason then that recovery will take a bit of time. In theory, one can learn all one needs to learn to effectively recover in about 3 months (per Coach Jon) but the real work begins once the intellectual exercise is done. The person has to continue to live what they learned. Think of it as if you read about how to ride a bike and then you wrote out reasons why you currently do not know how to ride a bike, and a plan for how you are going to learn, and why it is important to you to do so. You are still not going to be able to ride the bike until you get on and practice. The experiential part is the key to recovery, just as it is to learning to ride a bike.

In some ways, you are in a relationship with an adolescent. The symptoms that you describe (i.e. lack of maturity) indicates that he needs a lot more practice.

Regarding one-on-one support: peer support is important, but for the support to be centralized to one person is not healthy. There is an exercise in the workshop that discusses your support system and there are many ways to think of support. It need not be so addiction-focused. Also, we do not encourage people connecting with each other outside of RN, which involves sharing personal information. If you do choose to do that, it is your prerogative, but we do not recommend it. There is a reason that Recovery Nation is anonymous. We strive to ensure the privacy of every member. Finally, there is a potential for any resource becoming a crutch, which in the long term, would not be healthy.

Be well.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

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