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PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 9:32 pm 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
My experience of sharing about my (now ex) husband's addiction to pornography was isolating, to say the least. My mom informed me "all men watch porn" and one acquaintance (actually, a person I worked for and was once "friends" with) would passively-agressively antagonize me with sexualized comments and statements. Her husband watched porn, and it was them that my ex moved in with when we separated. We even went to two counsellors-one of whom suggested we watch porn together, and another who asserted that there was nothing wrong with wanting to "f-ck" every now and then. Clearly, both lacked insight into our relationship, and neither had any clue about addiction (well, the first one did eventually ask my h if he thought he had an addiction, which he kept a secret from me for years. I was labelled a prude and my ex gladly went along with that, publicly, while privately telling me that he didn't want port in his life. Anyhow, no stranger to feeling like a social and cultural deviant in this over-sexualized age. And while I personally do have moral issues with pornography, I also see it as an issue of the integrity of human being (i.e. pornography undermines human integrity, where integrity is the condition of being whole and complete). This is why coming across this article/blog post by the Gottmans was such a pleasant surprise. I took a deep breath as I clicked the link to the article, expecting that I would be writing some comment to set them straight, and was pleasantly surprised by what I read (yes, a little confirmation bias going on. Well, no-converging evidence on what I already know, empirically). I digress. What I read made me feel positive, hopeful, and validated. The Gottman's, who self-reportedly used to support pornography use in sexless marriages share new research demonstrating the negative effects of pornography at even an evolutionary level. Yes, it may be years overdue, but finally science is studying and providing converging evidence to what we all know intuitively, and -unfortunately-from experience.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2016 10:48 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 666
Coach Mel, thank you for the link to the Gottmans' post. I think that with additional research we are now seeing more and more evidence of the harm of pornography. Unfortunately, many of us on the partners side lived this harm. So much money is being made in an exploitive 'industry" that creates more and more demand. And part of the sales tactics of the industry is to serve the progression of stimuli to further intensity to further sales. And, it is in the industry's best interest to promote the idea that this is all normal and good fun.

I find it both so incredibly sad and enraging that observations about the ruination of intimacy, let alone the exploitation and dehumanization of people, are met with shaming of us: we're prudes, uptight, unsexy, unworthy, shrill.

This is a public health and relationship destroying problem.

I read an interesting post by a lawyer who fell into defending victims of pornography and she is representing a man who is suing with the idea that his marriage and sexuality were destroyed by pornography. Interesting idea.


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