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PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 11:42 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 21
My Love addicted husband just joined RN last week and has been obsessed with working through the steps. So much so that he's now focusing so much energy on himself and his needs that he's surpassed any level of selfishness that his addiction alone ever has! He chose to move out tonight over a simple matter of accepting the boundaries I set as a part of staying in our home during his "latest" betrayal and promise of recovery. He was so stubborn to prove that his needs were valid that he left his wife and kids over a minor spat.

He says he needs to feel "safe" sharing his thoughts and feelings with me. Agreed. However, when he shares thoughts and feelings with me, I feel that a mutual dialogue is a fair and appropriate way of communication between partners. Apparently he only wants to communicate if it means he gets to talk and I just agree.

Over the last four months he's been manipulating me to feel that asserting myself in the relationship with respect to open communication, honesty, and emotional boundaries is actually diminishing his own sense of self, and he's decided that my character is unkind and unsupportive.

It's just not true. I not only love him, I've stood by him through many betrayals and infidelities- without undue bitterness or blame. I have accepted the addiction model and worked on my own healing and forgiveness. Now he's decided I'm not supportive. I'm so sad. My children sobbed tonight when I told them their dad wasn't coming home.

Does being in recovery mean he's supposed to turn his back on everything that we've built together? Over 20 years of love, laughter, pain and hope. Gone? Can't he take care of himself AND be the husband and father he says he wants to be?


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 9:05 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
TheStoic - I am so sorry. How heartbreaking for you and your children. I send you my virtual embrace.

This is a crisis moment for you and your children and I believe your focus must be on getting all of you through the next few days until there is some stability. With all the demands and pressure on you, I strongly encourage you to not focus on your husband, your marriage or his addiction and recovery. I would advise you to make sure your financial assets are safe and under your control.

I do not believe your husband is in recovery. I believe he has moved out for selfish reasons and to protect his addiction. The self involvement and lack of concern for his family is stunning, isn't it? But that is addiction. Understanding addiction does NOT justify his behavior. You do not have to forgive his actions nor do you have to not be angry.

Recovery does take time. Sincere recovery means they have to commit themselves to some hard work. But it would look different than this. My husband is in active recovery and I can see the old addict behaviors and mind set still at work, though it is diminishing.

TheStoic, please put you and your children first. I don't know if your husband will get into recovery or become a healthy man. Do not believe the lies that this has ANYTHING to do with you. His behavior has nothing to do with your love, your forgiveness, your understanding. It has everything to do with his addiction and his choices. And addicts don't recognize their addiction or their choices.

Be gentle with yourself. Work on protecting your self and your children. Give yourself time to figure out what to do and remove as much pressure from your life as possible. That is my loving advice.

Keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 2:34 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 21
thanks dnell

Well, he showed up back home today like everything's going to be fine. The kids are confused, I'm confused. He says he wants to work it all out, but I'm just so, so tired at this point.

I feel kinda dead inside where this relationship used to be. It's like, in the distance, I can see our old life before addiction, and it's in Technicolor, and my feelings are vivid and I knew what I believed in.

Now, it's just grey and numb. He's the same man- yet so completely different- from the one I married 20 years ago. Different in my mind, maybe, perhaps not in reality. Who can say.

I just need emotional space, and I don't think he can give it to me when he's here in the house. We've tried before, with him in the spare room. Eventually he got bitter because he felt he was "doing so much work" and why couldn't he move back into the bedroom? Well, I'd say, because I still don't trust you and you've fallen off your recovery plan.

He got an appartment once for six months for "space and healing", but it turns out he used the privacy there to act out physically with other women. So, that obviously didn't turn out the way we planned.

What's left but 1) Move back into the bedroom and give our marriage one more fighting chance, or 2) get divorced. I don't think the apartment thing would be something I could mentally handle again. Too many lies from before.

TheStoic


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 5:23 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
TheStoic - Your needs count. Not wanting him in the bedroom...I get it. All of the partners here get it. And, frankly, many recovered and recovering addicts would get it.

Put yourself and your children first.

I look at my 30 plus years of marriage and with distance and detachment, I see how much I gave up and let myself be manipulated. As an active addict, my husband was completely selfish and didn't care about my feelings. He made up all sorts of stories about how his secrets and lies were 'protecting' me, but they were only protecting his addiction. A healthy, mature relationship could tolerate giving you space.

Be gentle with yourself. Be aware of your needs and feelings.

I get the exhaustion and confusion. It takes time to recover from that. The only way I could do it was detaching from my husband. It took me a while, but I am so relieved when I finally did start to detach.

dnell


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