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PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:50 am 

Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2017 8:02 pm
Posts: 3
Hi, I am new to Recovery Nation, this being my first post. I discovered this site over the weekend and was immediately excited to get started.
I believe upon initial registration for both myself and my husband, I expressed interest in The Couple's Zone as I thought I would stand a much better chance of getting him to work with me on this if I "drove the bus" so to speak. I have a love of reading and learning however my husband has no desire to read and is far more inclined to watching tv to zone out. I really can't imagine him writing down his thoughts and feelings either.
After reading through some of the steps of the Recovery Zone, The Partner's Zone and the Couple's Zone, I have explained to him how thrilled I am to have found a common sense approach to helping him (us) work through his addiction. He has promised he would do it for me but I really don't foresee him taking the initiative to pick up the laptop, login in and do any work on his own. Right off the hop in the Couple's Zone, one of the lessons is for the addict to write down every type/form/incidence of acting out they have engaged in - I don't think there's a chance in hell he would consider doing this.
He has struggled with porn addiction, masturbation addiction, sexting, phone sex, reaching out to escorts and I have just recently found out about his second affair (pretty sure there have been more as it would be pretty "coincidental" that I happened to find out about the ONLY 2 women he's actually had sex with). I found out about this recent affair 2 days after his father passed away (2 weeks ago) when I listened to a voicemail on his phone from his "fling" (I have far more colourful words to describe her with but will refrain). In this voicemail, she expressed her undying love for him and her deepest sorrow for what he was going through and how she feels so bad that he is having to deal with not being able to speak to her due to "the shitshow" ... I think "the shitshow" she refers to is me(?).
These last 3 weeks have been the most stressful time of both our lives - a funeral to plan, family to put up appearances in front of, him having just found his father dead, him having me discover yet another infidelity (one in which he physically had sex multiple times with) and me devastated and falling to pieces on the inside while keeping up appearances and playing the good wife, consoling him, his family and helping with preparing for the funeral.

Anyways, I realize now that I've been rambling, simply because it feels good to let it out and put it in to words, but my actual question is this - Is it better for him and I (myself being the bus driver) to start with the Couple's Zone? After reading through it, I'm thinking maybe the individual work should be done first (?) I feel though that there is a far better chance I can get him engaged in the work if I schedule and structure times for us to sit together to do some reading and work as a couple.

Thanks so much for listening and please help me with any insights any of you may have...

PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 7:14 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Hi there,

Message was posted in the Welcome forum, so it was missed. You have probably made a decision by now, but I would recommend the Individual path first; but it is entirely up to you. Once you get to stage 2 of the couple's workshop, you will do the individual workshops, anyway.

Be well

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

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