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PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 4:36 am 

Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 36
Hello Kajer
Thank you for your comments. All of the responses here have been comforting. Knowing that others are going through the same (although it would be great if we weren't) is a kind of safety blanket. I hope you enjoy your dog. There is nothing quite like the love between man (or woman) and his dog. It was when we lost our family dog that I felt I could no longer stay in the family home, our dog was such a good friend.

My husband and I have started the couples course on RN. We are taking it slowly. We already live apart and are trying to build a friendship. We have always been best friends, it's just hard getting over the latest hurt and the lying. I have only confided in one friend regarding the situation and even she does not have all the details. Her opinion is, I have a good job, own my own home and will have no trouble meeting someone else. Easy to give advice when you're not in the situation. I still feel I am not ready to give up yet and am hanging on to us both living a healthier life. My downfall will be just believing everything is fine because I want that so much. Only to be hurt again. Still my gut instinct for now is to try again.

I wish you well.

PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 6:12 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 669
EnglishPatience, before discovery I might have given the same kind of advice you received. I hope not. I don't ask for advice from women who have not been in our situations.

In a million years I would never have believed I would end up where I am now. I thought I had the self-respect and dignity not to put up with abuse and that I could leave an abusive marriage. That turned out not to be true. It's insidious what happens. Slowly, I came to normalize the abuse---the withholding, the craziness, the cruelty, the confusion. The cruel comments and rage and hatred directed at me....they shocked me. I think I saw each event as a one time thing, rather than an ongoing and progressing reality. But the worst part of it all was the gaslighting and the lies. The omissions and commissions. I get it now, why he lied so much. I am actually more angry at the marriage counselors I went to who believed these lies and told me I was "too disappointed" and that I was in this "wonderful, made for each other" marriage. I'll never understand why they made up this fairy tale. It made me further doubt myself and on some level I started to believe that I couldn't get anything better. All of this is a lie.

I actually think we partners have a very high level of empathy and that gets us stuck. I had more compassion and empathy for my husband than myself. That had to change.

I'm so sad and grieve so deeply my losses. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Thank goodness for my dogs! They are very healing. I don't want to surrender to grief and loss. I honor it, but I don't want to get stuck there.

My husband also continues his self-centered approach to life with the constant complaint that I don't trust him, that I don't understand his recovery, and.... It's a sign of continued self-absorption and immaturity. The reality is I don't trust him and I understand addiction but not enough about his recovery SINCE HE ISN'T HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT IT. There. Nice to say reality. I'm in marriage counseling, and this counselor doesn't tell fairy tales. And he can tell my husband that he isn't being as open and authentic about recovery as he should be.

The reality is my husband is making progress on his road to recovery and health. It's just very slow.

With deep compassion,

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