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 Post subject: Why?
PostPosted: Sat Mar 18, 2017 9:33 pm 
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Joined: Fri Mar 17, 2017 9:18 am
Posts: 2
:t:
I know this will be just rhetorical question, but….WHY??????
Why a person with whom I decided to have my children, who is a great father, provider and friend (I know, it sounds like a joke at this point), person that I talked extensively before our wedding about importance of trust and honesty…. Betrayed, lied, and shuttered all the trust between us?
I was reading and crying, reading more, crying more…all pieces of the puzzle suddenly fit …

I know I need to heal on my own, I know he has to either enter recovery or stay the way he is...I know what is in front of me, I understand ....and...I don't!!!!!
Why being an honest, loyal, person means nothing??????


Was I really asking for too much? Is intimacy, trust, honesty, regular sex life - really too much to ask??????????

I started feeling strange in a presence of an attractive woman, because I can see my husband's eye on her...I was sitting at the restaurant, and NOW I KNOW ...he was scanning and looking at other women...:(

I don't want to know all that!!!!

I haven't signed for that, no one told me, no one ever said that something like that even exists...
sure, movie starts, rock stars....but not regular people, not...me :e:


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 Post subject: Re: Why?
PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 11:44 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I think this is the hardest part, I still find myself unwittingly going into denial, I knew nothing of this sort of Sa, only oversexed celebs..my husband was..seemingly a million miles from them, not interested in sex..so I just blamed myself...with his manipulation and gaslighting for years,till I started to read about it..now everything makes sense,even though husband still is in denial..i think the denial of sex with me was all part of it, I now realise it goes deeper than sex..that is just a symptom. I have learned so much but part of me still asks why.. Why me..though having me feelings validated by reading about so many others makes me feel less alone..which i felt for so long, i am on the journey of healing myself now i am free from the self blame and shame


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 Post subject: Re: Why?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 6:12 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
hi, readytostandup,

We as partners have been in the place you are, and it's a tough place, because ultimately it comes down to a feeling of uncertainty and unstability.

Speaking anecdotally from my own experience, I spent a LOT of time and years down the track of 'why.' I researched and (this is reflective of how my brain is, and not reflective of all partners) it seemed to me if I could just figure it/him out, it could be fixed.

There came a point -- an initial real down point for me -- where I realized I would never get all the answers I seek. I could (and have) learned enough about SA to reach a point of detachment about why my husband made the choices he did, but I came to accept that all the things I valued and held dear were not developed by my partner, and I'd been duped.

While the workshop teaches you all this in a comprehensive manner, a visual or metaphor that explains this, simplified, is one of two tracks. Imagine your life, from your childhood on, and your partner's life, from his childhood on. You walked a track/path that led to your development of values such as honesty, integrity, fidelity, etc. Your partner did not.

As to why he did not, it may be even he will never know this. A therapist told me my partner's emotional development is so lacking that having him confront the deeper issues in his childhood is not advisable until he develops some adequate skills and maturity. My partner, and your partner, may not ever be able to pinpoint the reason why they got on a different track than we did. In short, they didn't develop a value structure and level of maturity, that we did. I'm not remotely excusing it. It just is what it is, painful as it is to us.

But, they can choose to change their course. And that's what RN is about.

Even if we or they are able to pinpoint the why, it doesn't fix things overnight. Those in recovery have hard work to do here. It requires them to sum up the very skills they are currently lacking and devote themselves to change and development, no matter how much they may stumble at it.

It seems like a no brainer for us (partners). Do the work, develop the skills, create a value system, and live your life in integrity. And, it is a clear path for them, if they choose to take it.

Critically, none of this is your fault. I hope you will reach the point I and other partners have reached, where you realize that fully. It doesn't mean you won't be triggered or have pain rise from various situations. But you will, at some point, understand at a fundamental level this has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Focus on you. His job is to change the course and chart of his life and choices. Your job is to take care of yourself and strengthen your own values. Life truly does get a lot lighter and better when you put yourself first. It takes a while to get there, but it's worth it.

meepmeep


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 Post subject: Re: Why?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 8:11 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
I, too, jenny56, keep wandering back into denial of a sort!! You describe a life like mine with a seemingly normal caring man. Then I am jolted back into reality! I sense the false interest he has in a honest life with me when rambles on whole filtering a response to something I said. When I observe my husband interacting with someone he is attracted to, I realize none of this is in the past. It is only symptomatic of a much deeper issue rooted in his core personality relating to self worth and narcissism!
I think I am reaching that point in time since discovery, that meepjeep talks about regarding detachment........at some point, the 'why' will never be u derstood by us. My 'why' to myself has been 'why do I not walk out the door?' after 2 1/2 yrs of waiting to see some kind of maturity grow out of this experience for him. And even that is something I need to detach from!!!!
I keep coming back to RN, looking for insight from those who are still with their SA and find it disheartening there are fewer and fewer posts and responses.....

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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 Post subject: Re: Why?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2017 6:06 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
I'm a "why" kind of person. I spent decades trying to figure out the "why" of my husband's stuff. He created the confusion in order to protect his addiction and to hide from all sorts of things like being a responsible adult.

Why did they do what they did? Because they are addicts. It really is that simple in such a tragic way. Why did they become addicts? That's a much harder question and as meepmeep says, takes lots of strength, maturity and insight to figure out. My husband did not develop strength, maturity or insight due to his constantly running away from "difficult' emotions.

Why did we get into this mess? We didn't create this mess; they did. I have come to believe that my addicted husband picked me, either consciously or unconsciously, due to some of my own issues. I was WAY, WAY too trusting; too caring; too willing to forgive. I was clueless about this addiction, and my husband was a world class liar. So I don't beat myself up about marrying him or not knowing. That took a while, though, to get to that awareness.

Why did I stay? That's a much harder question and individual therapy is helping me with understanding and healing.

Were we asking for too much? No. Not at all. We weren't asking for enough. For me, at some point, I started to think "well, he isn't as mean/distant/cruel/unavailable as he can be, so it's okay." Or, I would be so shocked by his abuse that I would think this is a rare event, rather than a progressing certainty.

Yes, I can go in denial. I don't beat myself up about this. Our awareness of who our partners really were in their "secret" life can be overwhelming. The understanding of "what happened" becomes so painfully clear. For me, I get the why. It all makes such sad and tragic sense. I have found given time, support, detachment and good therapy, I can be strong enough to understand, address and feel the reality of my past and present without needing to go in denial. It's a form of self defense. I give myself a break about it and think, "well, I'm not ready to deal with this and soon I will be." But it is tricky. I don't want to go into complete denial and let my husband treat me as badly as he used to. That has to stop.

I"m three years into healing. It gets easier. It's very, very painful. I am filled with sadness. But I'm getting better. I know that can happen for all of us.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Why?
PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 4:11 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
The why question is becoming a little clearer for me lately. I do recommend viewing videos on urube,and reading about attachment disorders etc.
I have gone back in my mind and realise I have an attachment anxiety..abandonment issue, past behaviours before I met my husband have become clear..i suppose I was bound to go for him, I have never felt whole without a man, I was into fantasy love,crushes from 11 years old..of course I never thought it odd till I started this journey to find out what is going on,the whys..and what I out up with it fir so long
And he,as far as his behaviours fall into place, no friends, no relationship with family..work aholic, intimacy avoidant..dismissive..avoidant, child of alcoholic..etc..i can go back and see this behaviour in both if us.
Somehow this has released me from years of asking why...and trying harder and harder to get close etc. I see Sa is a symptom of stress relief etc he needed because he represses emotions, I still struggle with the doesn't he love me thing..but logically I think he would have left if there wasn't something, even though I now know,as I have read all this, he has probably put me down, picked out my shortcomings in his mind,focused on fantasy perceived perfect women,fantasy loves.. to make sure he remained detached and justified his actions in his mind,not that he realises this is what he was doing..a defense mechanism from fear of intimacy. Now I can see that its something built into him not me,I am not focused on him and seeking to find out what makes me tick, and try to change the dynamics of our marriage so I am not so co dependant, for me it has helped a lot with the whys, infact I am now more positive as I see suddenly I can see past the fog and can find myself again,knowing it was inevitable and he doesn't have the ability to look inside himself or satisfy any questions I have about why,he doesn't know...but I am now armed with more strength to make some boundaries and to start living outside the marriage more.


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 Post subject: Re: Why?
PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 8:08 am 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Good for you, jenny56.......you ARE on the right road to healing!! There are healthy ways of asking "why?", and it IS good to explore, as you have found. It is ok to look back.....just don't stare!!! :g:

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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