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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 2:59 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
After reading posts here and any other forums,sites etc, over two years, starting my own rn lessons,counselling and a new self awareness I have also been reading and watching videos which cover the attachment issues, and mote lately narcism.
This was because traits were becoming more clear to me now I observe husband more clearly,instead of being in the fog of self blame and trying to gain his validation,and generally spending the whole marriage thinking I was lacking.
I have been stating my own opinions, not giving into his views etc and generally watching his behaviour and reviewing past behaviours which I never thought about except to think it must have been something I had done or said etc...illogical,as I witnessed offhandedness with other daily members etc. I asked him yesterday if there was any areas of himself he would improve or change if he could....nothing, he retorted, I don't need to change or improve...this was a question an expert had said to ask ...as most people have self awareness and know they are not perfect..a narcissistic person thinks they are perfect,and has no self awareness.
Suddenly I could see his character over the years points to this .. And I am reading that you cannot change them,counsellingthus rarely works on them..if they would go anyway, and that they are commonly sex/porn addicts,often into strange extreme fetish,also they devalue and discard partners as they cannot trully love, they become obsessed with objects of desire..ideal love, usually only the infatuation stage.
After two years of not being able to have any adult discussion about anything..i am thinking there is no hope. He has no interest in any recovery, at present its as if he is hiding his time..so I forget,and he can start acting out again..he said he wasn't addicted and as if to prove it he hasn't looked at porn at home..but god knows what happens at work, I haven't been able to even ask if he is still infatuated by the co worker, though now Sa and his infactuations seem less important than the fact his persona is flawed, he could become infactuated with anyone any time, and it still rankles that he admitted this at rge d day tume, and I see it more and more, I journal it all, so I don't start going into denial any more.
I feel trapped between a rock and hard place.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 6:53 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
jenny, I'm so sorry. Your situation is so painful. It's possible that your husband is a narcissist and I understand as well that if he is, there is little chance for him to change. I can't remember if you are in individual counseling. It's so important for you to get support. Addicts are destructive, but narcissists are even more destructive to their partners.

All of your hope has to be focused on you. You deserve happiness, joy and peace in your life. My hope was so deeply damaged by the years of living with an SA that I have worked really hard in my individual therapy to regain it and more importantly, to focus it on me.

There are books and support groups available to help with techniques for dealing with a narcissist day to day, but ultimately, they are incapable of being in a healthy relationship with another person.

Addicts are very self centered and narcissistic. I think it's a real challenge for partners to determine if there is a real personality disorder going on, or if it's "just" the narcissism of addiction.

Know we are here for you and I hope you can find as many support resources as possible. You deserve them.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 6:39 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Thanks,dnell, yup I recently ended my counselling sessions as we seemed to be going round in circles, I am feeling a lot stronger and my counsellor was going over things with me,she said I may never get emotional connection or support from him,so I felt she was saying get ready preparing to go,but I felt perhaps I need to see a more specialised one..not sure, as I am watching videos online by
Counsellors etc and feel counsellor could not tell me what to do re leave or stay..and that is what I now am struggling with. I am getting more aware of my issues and why I felt or feel this or that,so I can see past my emotions..and the romantic fantasy keeping me in denial.
Its just like you say..narsistic people are a whole different kettle of fish..I never even thought about till lately, and I am feeling stronger by researching how to detach from a narcissist so he cant drag me down again. It is good to respond and feel differently now, though I see more glimpses of anger as I do become stronger.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2017 9:53 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 1:42 pm
Posts: 352
Hi Jenny.

Just my two cents having done this dance for the last decade. The N-word, it's like everything else in life except death- shows up in degrees. Unless a person has a clinical diagnosis from more than one reputable source, I'd be leery of flat out blanket coverage. My husband as I believe most addicts do has a degree of N. I have seen it decrease over time as he does his work. Some of what I put down to N, is ignorance, some being raised by an idiot of a mother, and quite a bit general dense man-like behavior. Much of what appears to be N has actually turned out to be methods of hiding the addiction. What seemed self-serving was really his need to hid from me so I stayed in perpetual darkness. That being said, N traits can evolve. Is it an arduous process? Hell yes, and the person has to really really really want to. The problem is many addicts in early recovery and numerous relapses, don't have a clue what they are agreeing to when they say the want to change.

I feel for you....I wouldn't wish this on anyone, well except maybe his mother.

XOXO


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