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PostPosted: Sat May 06, 2017 9:25 pm 

Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 21
I'd love some insight on this. I was having a discussion with my partner tonight - he is post discovery, pre treatment. the discussion turned to what kind of relationship we both would like. For me it is monogamous. For him he said he'd like a monogamous relationship but would like more adventure in our sex life. I asked for details and he threw out 'outside', 'in a car' as examples. Fine. One question/concern is - how meaningful is this he is already thinking of the things he'd like when the hurt of all of this is so raw to me ? I feel hurt by this - am I overreacting ?

PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2017 9:11 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 667
My Turn - You are not overreacting. You were hurt. One of the things I needed to learn, and the lessons helped me with this, is to completely trust our feelings. You felt hurt. You were hurt.

I can relate to this story. What I hear is an addict talking to you. You were asking for understanding, validation, empathy and connection. He responded with a self-involved addict response looking for sex and intensity. Not intimacy. This is an addict speaking to you.

Here is what I have learned and keep re-learning. The moment I feel hurt I need to know I am being hurt. I need to tell my husband he hurt me and if he is far enough along in his recovery and health, he needs to repair this hurt. If not, I'll get the usual selfish, defensive, angry response that will hurt me more. I have learned my boundary at this time is to stop talking and get away from my husband.

I think this is early on for you post discovery. It's a long, hard road. I learned, painfully and slowly, to detach and put my focus on me and my healing.

With compassion,

PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 1:28 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I do recommend writing all these conversations,events down in a journal,and how you felt.. I used to find I was minimising,forgetting what was said...reading back in the cold light of day at a later stage,or tiring it all eye opening,plus I used to forget what had been said,so couldn't see the pattern of manipulation or see it as addict my case reading things back has made me wonder if my husband has narcistic traits.
As dnell says, instead of wanting to connect, become intimate, rekindle trust and openness..he is citing a fantasy scenario that will be for his gratification only.
Believe me, I am not adverse to outdoor or car sex, with an addict even if you did that all the time, they would be fantasising you were a stranger etc..and would still feel unsatisfied, I did allsorts with my husband, and as i was monitoring him online by then i knew he was excited by it, and it made him yearn more to do those things with strangers...instead of bringing us closer, it fired up his need to seek more intense feelings which only the danger,secrecy and meeting with strangers could offer him.
Of course I cant speak for your husbands thought processes, but if he is still wanting to look at sounds as if,like my husband, he is not in recovery,so the addicted thought processes are in charge still.

PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 1:54 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
I find it helps me sometimes to reframe questions/issues as if I'm dealing with a partner with a substance addiction (as most of us have seen, sex addiction isn't well treated in our culture, partners are neglected if not outright abused by the sex addiction treatment industry, and society doesn't tend to recognize sex addiction as a serious problem the way it regards addictions like alcohol, drugs, or even gambling. All this plays a role in our own confusion as partner as to boundaries, limits, what constitutes compulsive rituals, what is healthy, what is not, and on and on).

If my partner were an alcoholic in recovery, after years of his manipulation, lying, hiding -- basically all your usual addictive behaviors -- and I asked him how he envisioned our relationship going forward, and he said "well, I'd really like to go to the bar with you 3-4 times a week" I'd be raising red flags all over the place.

Here's some honest, real talk. My husband (who is in recovery, albeit incredibly slowly, but, making some small strides) and I have not had sex in a year.

And I really have no idea when we'll have sex again. It's a fragile thing. Even with me stronger, and far less triggered, we have to basically start from scratch here sexually, and I need to see him make more gains with maturity and self reflection before I'm at a point where I think we'd have a healthy sex life.

myturn, given where you've described your husband is at in his recovery, he lacks the foundation, maturity and capacity for long-range, unselfish thinking to engage with you in a conversation about what kind of relationship you will have in the future.

Can he get there in time? With work and growth, yes.

It's hard because we want very much to have a connection with our partners and most of us have lived in an intimacy desert for the length of our relationships. The trauma surrounding discovery, disclosure and treatment makes us especially vulnerable, and in that state, it is no wonder we yearn for understanding and a connection with our partners.

They can't give it to us. At least, not yet. Not until they've done more work and have a better understanding of not only their compulsions, but the extent to which the relationship has been lacking up until that point. Until they have those skills and insights, a significant majority of the words coming out of their mouths reflect an addicted way of thinking and processing life.

Myturn, you are not overreacting. To be hurt and alarmed by your husband's statement is an appropriate response to what he said. I second what dnell and jenni wrote.


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