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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 3:19 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:26 pm
Posts: 17
Hi everyone, just wanted to get some insights on this.

If there is a time the addict in sincere recovery relapses, he will need mercy. I understand the why of that. What I don't understand is, what if you have reached a boundary that says I will leave?

That isn't my first boundary, but it is in the progression of consequences. How would one offer mercy in direct conflict to her boundary? I guess I could consider altering that boundary...

What would you do?
Thanks,

Sammie


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 6:11 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 665
Hi Sammie - We have choices. We can alter our boundary and offer mercy. Or we don't alter our boundary. The point of the boundary is that the love and respect we have for ourselves outweighs taking care of our partners. The important thing for me to get, really get, was that I have choices. And we don't need to justify those choices to anyone.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 1:32 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 21
Hi, SammiesHeart-
I think it's important to distinguish between mercy and boundary violations.

I love my husband. And I have boundaries. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Meaning, my best interests are the first things I prioritize. My boundaries protect my interests. But my boundaries don't preclude mercy and loving kindness to others. So, if my partner is not capable of behaviors that respect my boundaries, that doesn't mean that I don't love him, or that I don't wish the best for him. What it means for me is that the partnership between us is no longer safe and nourishing to me and what my boundaries require. So, I can either choose to protect myself completely from a source of unreliable behavior or I can choose to suspend my boundaries a bit longer to allow my partner more time.

Either way, as dnell says, the safest emotional path is one that involves conscious choice. You are not a part of his tornado of destruction. You can stand outside of it and decide how to participate.

I wish you the best of luck.

~TheStoic


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:32 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:22 pm
Posts: 124
I understand your confusion. Mercy does not equal altering your values or the boundaries that protect them.

In my experience, mercy means allowing room for love and forgiveness, in spite of transgressions. However, love and forgiveness can be freely offered, while still holding boundaries and the consequences that you've set up for yourself. Remember, boundaries are about you and protecting your values, not about affecting (either as punishment or mercy) your partner.

If you look back at your values, and they still hold true for you, and if the boundary still feels right to you, then stick with it. If, on retrospect, you feel you need to make some revisions--and if they are based on updating your values to reflect how you may have grown and evolved since writing them--then that is your prerogative.

A friend who is a master in mindfulness told me once that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to get out of the way of them learning the lessons they need to learn.

I believe sticking to your boundaries can absolutely be an act of mercy.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 3:34 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:26 pm
Posts: 17
Thank you everyone, very helpful!


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