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PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 3:32 pm
Posts: 9
This is my hardest time since Dday 18 months ago. My partner was finally sentenced for his voyeurism and now it's on the local news page. I am done in. I am not ready to face a world who knows this about my life. How did my life turn into this soap opera?!
I just need to share and ofload, this is a very lonely place to be. I've felt stronger and stronger in the lead up to this, managed more than I ever thought I could, but I don't feel strong at all now. Thankfully I have some wonderful girl friends and parents to help me through the toughest times.
This is so hard.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 7:00 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 665
Oh, Muggle. I'm so sorry.

Just remember: this isn't you. You did not do anything wrong. I know how much shame I feel about my husband's acting out, but it's really not my shame.

Be gentle with yourself. Spend time with people who love you.

dnell


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:58 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 21
Muggle-
Please be very kind to yourself, and recognize that even though many people you know may not be able to relate, it doesn't mean you're alone. The partners on this site know that this is not your fault. Hold your head high. You didn't do anything "wrong." As dnell says, this isn't you.
~TheStoic


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 4:54 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 3:32 pm
Posts: 9
Thank you for your kind words Stoic and dnell, I had a little sigh of relief reading your replies.
I do still feel shame/guilt by association. I feel shame for not running a million miles in the opposite direction from this.
Actually reading commments left by strangers on the news item, which were mostly a few insults, was not too awful because I needed reminding that other people are repulsed by that behaviour too rather than being made to feel I'm taking what he did too seriously and blowing it out of proportion.
I've planned some nice things with good people to get through the next week. Feeling a little stronger today, the only way is up from here, right?! Running away to a remote island is very appealing right now!


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 7:51 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 8:53 am
Posts: 21
So sorry for what you are going through. Mine is into voyeurism too as well as exhibitionism. We live in Canada and I had no idea it was illegal here. Your post prompted me to check and sure enough it is. I'm also somewhat relieved to hear about the negative comments made by strangers. Thanks for sharing that.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:36 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:22 pm
Posts: 124
Dear mugggle,

I understand your shame. Please know that you are not alone. Part of my shame came from knowing that if I were giving advice to a friend in my situation, I would tell her to run the other way. But it's not that easy. Coming to terms with all of this is quite a long process, and it takes many of us a long time to reconcile the person we thought we knew with the person we find out about the hard way. We have a lot of integrating of new information to do.

I also stayed with my convicted voyeur husband for 18 months before filing for divorce. I'm grateful for that time, because I was able to work through the lessons, get grounded, put everything in perspective, define my values, establish boundaries, take care of all of the legal and logistical pieces of moving on, and then finally act from a place of exercising my values, as opposed to acting on an emotion like fear or shame. That all takes time and trust in the process.

Yes, this is hard. It's so hard. Harder than anything you may ever have to go through. It is incredibly admirable and a reflection on you as a human being that your partner's sentencing and being in the news isn't causing you to flee to an island. This is a testament to your strength, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I'm glad to know you have friends and family who support you. It took me a year before I told anyone other than the lawyer and the therapist. Opening up to my family and close friends ramped up my healing process. Now, everyone who knows me knows my story. It is no longer my shame, but a testament to my strength to come through the other side.

Be patient and kind to yourself. Work through your lessons. They are truly the key to your health and safety. They are the way forward. You will continue to grow stronger and stronger. You will make the choices that are right for you at the right time. My thoughts are with you.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:49 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 3:32 pm
Posts: 9
So far no one has said anything. I've faced work, acquaintances, etc and it's ok so far. I am refocussed on work, good stuff going on, other nice family things. Getting my stable foundation back.
Rising, thank you for all your kind words. I too feel that if my friend was going through this I'd be wondering what on earth they were doing staying. I am inspired by you telling your story to free you from the shame. Telling my family was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and this time has been hard on them too but it has brought us together. I think we are all slowly reconciling the person we thought we knew with this newer information.
MyTurn I am sorry you too have been affected by voyeurism, it seems quite a few us have partners and ex's with this kind of compulsion. To add to all the incredibly hard personal aspects of having a partner with SA, the interest or potential interest of police as well is very hard to live with.


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