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PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:39 pm 

Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2014 6:11 pm
Posts: 12
Both sides, please!

My SAH is seeing a counselor monthly for his recovery. Last visit with her, he mentioned to her that I have been wanting to try new things, sexually. (I have initiated and/or discussed with him a few different things, but he doesn't seem too interested). The counselor suggested to him that we go to a bar and pretend we are strangers that just meeting. This triggered me. Now, I know that people do this and I am not knocking it in a normal, healthy relationship. My problem is that I need my husband to continue forming an intimate bond with ME, not a stranger that he met in a bar. I need him to "see me". He did meet some of his conquests at bars, after chatting online. My husband does not understand why it upset me so much and he is actually angry that I suggested that the counselor may not be educated enough about SA if she made a suggestion like that. I told him I was going to post here to get feedback and he said the counselor's comment was "off-the-cuff" and to be sure to "include the part where I delegitimized his counseling". I feel like he is delegitimizing my feelings!

Should I not feel hurt by this? Is that an appropriate suggestion for a counselor to give to a sex addict? I welcome all feedback!

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 2:19 pm 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I would be triggered too, in the past I had dressed up, worn a an attempt to be a "stranger" with my husband, so desperate was I to see how different he would be with another woman, I couldn't do it again, for sure it would feel like gratification for my husband, who would be fantasising about meeting a stranger..that role-play would be fun and exciting for a secure trusting playful couple..something I would have enjoyed,had my whole sexual experience not been tainted by the antics and betrayal of my husband..
I have read about role-play involving starting the wooing all over again, first date, gently reconnecting afresh..this sounds more like a sexual scenario based on pure sexual gratification..great if your fantasy I strangers..not if you have been hurt deeply by a husband doing that in real life..i would be torturing myself ,feeling I was finding out exactly what my husband was like while acting out..i would feel like a prop,
Perhaps he misunderstood what the counsellor meant,and has sexualised it to mean just sex with a stranger..
Or perhaps this is something he fancies doing,indulging his own your expense,as you say recovering involves reconnecting, learning how to be truly intimate on all levels..
If he cannot see why this would trigger you and cause you pain..

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