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 Post subject: It finally hit me
PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2017 1:46 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2017 3:04 pm
Posts: 7
He didn’t really love me.

You don’t do this to someone you love; destroy the life they thought they had.

Destroy their mental health. Destroy their physical health. Make them distrust everyone.

I guess it’s something I may never know, what it’s like to have someone love you and not hurt you.

Just something else to grieve.


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 Post subject: Re: It finally hit me
PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 5:19 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 21
Sansa- You are not alone, and you are not wrong. You deserve to be happy, and not lied to, and manipulated! You are so right about asserting your wishes and needs. If he is manipulating and lying to you, you probably know it. Even if he "thought" he loved you, his capacity for love is probably far inferior to yours. You are a powerful, meaningful person. Your intuitions are correct. You don't need to be with somebody who messes with your mind. The grief has no bounds. The depths of my grief just won't seem to stop- but the pain of deception and betrayal were worse.

I believe that I will someday know the love of someone who appreciates me. I refuse to give up on that. I am strong, smart and beautiful. So are you. And you deserve to be loved for who you are, not who somebody who's messed up in the head thinks you should be. Be strong. Be kind to yourself. You are enough.


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 Post subject: Re: It finally hit me
PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 7:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
This is so tough.

My husband acted completely against our relationship with his acting out, which as far as I know was not on the extreme end of the spectrum, nevertheless it was the relentlessness of it that did the damage. Many years of addiction resulted in a man who is incapable of being true to himself, incapable of empathy and intimacy. I don’t believe he doesn’t love me. I believe he loved me at the height of his addiction but the way he began to see me at that time was actually a reflection of this state of disordered thinking and loss of empathy that accelerated as his addiction progressed.

In many ways, the addiction makes our addicted spouses incapable of intimate human connection, of bonding, of understanding. During the earlier years of my husband’s addiction, he became so aggressive towards me. Callous, even. He even told me that he didn’t know if he could love anything or anybody, and I felt utterly wretched at that time. I have no idea what this addiction does to these guys. It’s like they lose the ability to make any kind of meaningful emotional connection. How can you ever rebuild it relationship with someone who is like a stone?


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 Post subject: Re: It finally hit me
PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:07 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 665
Sansa, that was a truly painful reality for me. The realization that my husband never loved me. It's actually a bit more complicated than that, but I agree, my husband doesn't define or experience love the way I do. For my husband love is a state of feeling in him that was his addictive fantasy of the perfect and ever lasting first rush of romance. Love was when someone else, a pretty young woman, could make him feel whole and admired, sexy, powerful. That's not how I define love. And now when my recovering husband says "I want us to be in love" it doesn't make me feel good. It feels like a warning. Isn't that sad? So, now I say "What does that mean to you? What would that look like?" And since my husband wasn't a nice, fun guy, I still get a confused, defensive response. And I think....this isn't love.

Since under this addiction is the fear of intimacy, and the addiction amplifies a lack of empathy and caring, it was important for me to figure out if my husband had a character or personality disorder which would make him incapable of love; or if he was a traumatized man who never healed from the trauma and didn't develop the skills of empathy and caring. This was important for me to figure out. I see now that my husband isn't a full blown narcissist. But I also see how deep his childhood wounds are and how desperately he does not want to address them. Way too scary.

Did my husband love me when he married me? He was a full blown addict. I was part of his love addiction fantasy. No doubt about that. But in his own way, I think he wanted it to work out. He loved me in his mind the way he defined love. But as long as those fantasies and distorted thinking were operating, there was not going to be an adult emotional connection between us.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: It finally hit me
PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2017 8:45 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
For me this is the real grief, I went full circle,from thinking my husband didn't love me, to discovering this forum,and realising he was a p/sa..to the slow dawning that whether it was/is addiction related..he doesn't love me.. in the way a normal healthy person loves, fir sure not in the way I need to be loved,which involves intimacy,openness and honesty, showing emotion,romance,caring..working through things as a team etc
At times it overwhelms me, seeing healthy couples, the natural connection,playful,openness between them..a real eye opener has been my daughters boyfriends, the warmness and caring behaviour,openness I see at close quarters as she lives at home still...i grieve that fact I never had that with my husband, I know something was..still is missing, and sadder still is the fact he made me feel clingy,needy..controlling,childish,stupid..for expecting what I realise is natural if you love and care for someone,especially when I look back to our early days and can see the marked difference between hiw my daughters boyfriend treats her..and how my husband was.
I wonder if his character made him addict,rather than being an addict made his character..i recall his mum telling me long ago that he would sulk for days as a youngster,and knowing he had an alcoholic dad, I know he has been damaged,as much as he would deny that.
I cant see how much room there was for bonding or thinking about ne,when all his time he was pre occupied with infactuations,chat rooms,dating sites,porn..he was hardly present in our relationship, no wonder when reminiscing I mention things he says he doesn't recall


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 Post subject: Re: It finally hit me
PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 10:01 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2017 3:04 pm
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much. I can identify with so much of what each of you wrote. We really are not unique in this, are we? I had no idea of the magnitude of pain these guys are causing out there.


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