Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:39 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Tired
PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 1:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 36
Hi

It's been a while since I have posted. Whilst I look at others posts and gain comfort, I rarely feel I have any advice or guidance to add as it still feels like early days (although let's face it I have lived with my SA and experienced his addictive personality for almost 30 years.
We have worked through the couples program and are now in our individual workshops. I feel it's going well - almost too well and just like when we were married I begin to get complacent. my SA is working hard and he is kind and loving, but then he always was even at the height of his addiction, I don't know how much of this is sincere and how much is just an act of how he thinks it should be, I get tired of trying to work it out.
One of his values is to not flirt with or lead women on, something he admits he used to do. However, yesterday we were having lunch with my parents and talking about political correctness and he said to my Dad that he had said to his boss that he had noticed her hair cut and that it looked nice. Now in the grand scheme and normal world perhaps this is okay, but my gut feeling was that is was not okay. I called him on it and he defended it by saying he didn't mean it,that her hair didn't look nice. Alarm bell here is, why would he say it then? His values are honesty? I notice he appears to have one set of values when he is with me and another when he is not. Alarm bell two - that he is still compartmentalising his life. I stayed within my values and spoke calmly of how I felt. Alarm bell three, he said he felt like I was beating him. He couldn't see that he had done anything wrong on any level and began pointing out all the work he is doing, blah blah blah. He says he tells me everything now, but if he is oblivious (or says his) what else is he oblivious about? Alarm bell four. My gut instinct is in overdrive on this one and yet he makes me feel that it's me, just like the good ole days! I am so tired of trying to be strong, keep my boundaries in place. I just want a peaceful life - will it always be like this? I guess so. I look at the positives, Cloz does his RN goes to SAA, sees his therapist. He now does not drink, take prescription drugs, is not acting out in any way. Am I asking for too much? I want to be fair, but in an effort to be fair I stood by while Cloz wrecked his life, mine and our Sons. I can't do this again.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Tired
PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:56 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 665
EnglishPatience, anytime you post I feel better. Your thoughts and feeling are advice and comfort for me. Please see how valuable and important you are.

I agree with all of your alarm bells. The silver lining in this storm is that you are trusting your feelings. The reality for me is that it takes time both recover for the addict; and to heal for us. They don't stop acting out in a day. And as they recover, I see they become more aware of the less overt acting out behaviors and thoughts they have. Flirting with other women is a huge area of "innocence" for my husband. This is BS. You and I both know that. It's a way for my husband to protect himself as being this really great, stand up guy that is a victim of me and women worldwide. This is nuts. What I've seen is that my husband has to develop an awareness that some of his behaviors are related to addictive stimulation. Then he has to decide if he wants to give them up. Then he has to work on understanding the ritual. Then he has to develop an awareness of his emotional triggers. Then he has to develop an action plan. Then he has to enact it. Well, you can see that this takes time.

What does that mean for us? This awareness that they are still acting out in ways that hurt us but for which they have not yet deeply and honestly confronted. I think our response to this is personal and can change over time. We have a right to say "that's it I'm leaving" whenever we want. Know that. No one needs to give us permission.

This defensive "can't you see how hard I'm working" is something my husband does all the time. That's not the issue. MC has helped me in this way since my MC points out to my husband that his constantly saying how hard he is working is not being empathetic to me. Nor is it taking full responsibility for his behavior or being rigorously honest.

Do we want to wait? If so, how do we take care of ourselves while our husband's do the work of recovery. That's my life. And my thoughts and feelings about this change over time.

dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Tired
PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:11 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 36
Thank you for your reply dnell. I totally agree about thoughts changing over time. Some days I am euphoric that everything is going well and others it feels as though D-day has just hit. We have to find our own emotional stability.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group