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PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:25 am
Posts: 29
I feel like recovery is going well for my partner and our relationship is healing. My question for everyone is how you find the patience to let your partner learn the simple lessons that most adults learned long ago? (i.e. that in a relationship there isn't a 'winner' and a 'loser') I feel like my partner is genuinely trying to learn these things, but I find myself annoyed at that fact that he isn't starting with these basic ideas and it takes him so long to truly wrap his mind around it. Any advice or experiences that anyone has to share would be most welcome.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:31 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
I have let go the waiting for him to change..i see he hasn't changed since I first knew him, even without him watching porn etc his core is the same.
I concentrate on me now. The relief of rediscovering myself is immense, finding out my long term emotions,feelings,self worth..were distorted by my husband. Learning to emotionally detach has been invaluable to me, so patience doesn't come into it as far as his changing is concerned. Its a huge weight off me ,as for decades..i hoped, tried to help, tried to prod,tried to show him how to love,how to connect in a relationship...not only ours,but with our kids etc.. Nothing changed..acting out or not


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 8:11 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 665
Puffin - I think for me to find patience it's a challenging mix of detachment, compassion and boundaries. As in, I have now learned to be clear about my expectations of adult behavior from my husband even if he doesn't do them (for example, he needs to pick up after himself and clean up his own messes). And then I don't clean up after him. Sometimes, if his mess impacts me, then I do have to clean it up. I don't let this go unsaid and I expect expressions of appreciation. Know that I don't always get them. But it restores my self esteem to stand up for myself.

I also try to model expressing appreciation when my husband does do something generous. But I don't fall in the old behavior of patting him on the back for doing the most basic adult things he should have learned decades ago. I think my husband needs to be acknowledge and affirmed for learning basic adult skills, but NOT FROM ME. He needs to get that feedback from himself, his therapist, his 12 step group, his men's group.

But detachment has been my best approach. Focusing on me allows me not to have to experience my husband's immaturity so often.

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 36
Dear Puffin, Jenny, Dnell

If anyone outside of our situation read these posts they would wonder where we are coming from! My cry is the same as yours at times 'that these are just the basic niceties of life, basic learned behaviours of thoughtfulness, compassion, fairness etc etc. As often is the case I found this post timely as I have had one of these conversations only this morning with my SA. He assumed his default position of lying to himself so he doesn't have to deal with his own feelings and ultimately lying to me. It is difficult in this situation to remember how far they have come in changing (my SA continues to be fully committed). However, it's easy to pass it off (as in the old days) and not cause a fuss. Your posts have made me feel stronger - quite right I should not be the one handing out praise for the basics - taken on board. I agree a level of detachment helps. Patience - it's a virtue right?!? I gave myself the forum name of just that to try and assume that virtue! Let's take a few deep breaths, know that we are not alone in this and continue to care for ourselves. I for one am Christmas shopping today and will indulge in a mince pie or two! Thinking of you EP


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