Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Tue Dec 10, 2019 12:37 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Support needed :(
PostPosted: Wed Sep 18, 2019 7:17 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:36 am
Posts: 114
Hi All,
It's been a long time since I've been on here... my healing thread is back in 2012, when I had my 2nd major D-Day with my SA (1st D-Day back around 2005). My SA did a lot of work in his recovery, and we also worked together as a couple on this for many years. I also worked through my recovery individually. It's been the hardest work I've ever done. Although the last several years have been hard (for many reasons, not just his SA), we've worked through things, and I thought we were doing much better.

Fast forward to this year... SA got another new job a few months ago, involving a good bit of travel. I was apprehensive about it, but knew he needed a new position, and thought we were in a "safe" enough space in his and our recovery that it would be okay (as he assured me it would).

He went on his first overseas trip (a couple weeks long) with this new job a couple of months ago. Everything seemed fine, no issues that I was aware of. A couple of weeks ago, before he left for his next trip, I discovered some condoms in his travel bag. I discreetly asked him about the age of his bag - he told me it was only a couple of months old - he had gotten it just before he went on that trip. My heart sank. We've not needed condoms for over a year, since he had his vasectomy, and we've talked about that ("yeah, we don't need them anymore!!"). So they couldn't have been condoms from earlier - they would have to have been put in this travel bag within the last couple of months.

I did not confront him, knowing that he was going to be leaving on another trip 9 days later. I knew he had a "leftover" stash of condoms in our bedroom, that I had asked him to get rid of when we stopped needing to use condoms, but apparently he never did. I kept a close inventory/count of the condoms that were in his travel bag and in our bedroom in the days leading up to the trip. The *morning* he left on this trip (that he's currently on), he removed 7 condoms from the bedroom stash (presumably to put into his travel bag to take with him). I will most certainly be counting how many condoms are remaining in his travel bag as soon as he comes home.

I got the very first appointment I could with our couples therapist, who was deeply disappointed to hear this. I told her this is it, I'm done. I've given him 25 years of my life, supported him through his recovery for nearly 8 years, I just can't do this anymore. I can't risk my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health anymore. I need to take care of my two kids and myself. I've been lied to and cheated on for more than decades, and I can't do this anymore. I want a divorce. We (my therapist and I) will confront him when he comes home from this trip. Meanwhile, I have to continue on with this charade that everything is okay.

Finally to get to my question, and where I need help/advice/input... I KNOW he will deny everything... say some stupid shit like he got them for a friend, someone put them there, not his, etc... or he'll say that yes, he packed the condoms, but he didn't actually use them - so he didn't actually break his sobriety.... Please someone help me understand or validate or something that I'm not wrong to think that packing those condoms is having the INTENT to have sex?!?!? I'm worried he's going to try to break me down and say he didn't actually have sex, and how can I throw away our marriage, and divorce him, and our history, and what about our kids, etc... sorry I'm rambling but this is all so crazy-making!!! And on top of all this, throughout this trip, and as I was writing this, he's been sending me the most lovey-dovey texts, loving, caring, supportive stuff, all the stuff I want to hear, but only if it's true, and I feel deep down in my heart that he's just saying it all to make me stay, maybe he feels guilty, I don't know, I just can't make sense of this. It feels like gaslighting but I just don't know.

Anybody who has any thoughts, I would love to hear... I won't be able to see our therapist again for another week, and it's agonizing... haven't been able to tell anyone yet, and trying to take care of my 2 kids and act like everything is okay when I know it's just a matter of time before their whole world comes tumbling down, and it will be all my fault and they will blame me for ruining their lives because I am the one asking for the divorce. :(


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Support needed :(
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2019 8:42 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Oh, Sunlover. I am so sorry. It's heartbreaking. I send you my gentle embrace.

You sound so strong about yourself and the need for your husband to be respectful and loving toward you. And you know that finding the condoms was awful and a clear indication he is not sober. I am relieved you have an MC who supports you.

So I think your question is what to do about the inevitable lies, blaming and barrage of words you will encounter from your husband when he is confronted. Gosh, I know all about that. For sure, my husband starts with ridiculous lies, then nutty defensive comments, then playing the victim, then blaming, then cruel comments about my "failings." I could write the script. It was designed to shut me up, take the attention off of his cruelty and abuse, put me in my place, and to defend his addiction at all costs. I now no longer want to be treated that way. Ever. Good thing you will do this with your MC present. But here's what I've learned.

I need to stay calm and determined. You know the facts. You know how you feel. You will state them. They are not up for debate. Period. When my husband starts to play the victim or blame, I say "That is not the issue. The issue is ...." Short and sweet. Are you concerned that you will waver in the face of his defensiveness? Or are you just sick and tired of the continued abuse? What I needed to do was to learn to tell my husband to knock it off, to stay focused on the issue, and to get up and leave if he wouldn't stay respectful and mature.

With deep compassion,
dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Support needed :(
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2019 12:13 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:36 am
Posts: 114
dnell, thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much it helps hearing from someone who knows *exactly* what you've been experiencing!! My husband has that same damn script, you described it perfectly. Fortunately it has been awhile since I've seen those patterns, but since I know he's not sober anymore, I'm fully expecting those patterns to return. Yes, thank God we will be with my therapist for this one. Thank you also for the reminders about how I need to address this. So much anxiety, I just want to get all of this over with and out in the open, but we're still a few weeks out from his return home and our appointment... sigh...

Thank you so much for your understanding and your compassion - it means more than you know.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group