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PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2020 10:56 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:31 pm
Posts: 4
I fully understand that I have no control over what my husband does or does not do for recovery but how should we as wives handle it when they are lazy and complacent regarding recovery? We had decided months ago to begin the couples recovery lessons here on this site. When we read through the introduction exercise where he is asked to spend an evening caring for me, weeks went by and he never completed the exercise. During our couples check in we talked about how the exercise needed to be completed before we move on to the next one and he told me how bad he felt about not making it a priority but here we are weeks later and still he has not done it. So I told him that I would go ahead and begin the partners recovery lessons on my own and when he is ready we can go back to the couples lessons together. He has shown zero interest or action in any recovery work for months. He works hard at his job every day and he helps with cooking dinner during the week but when it comes to recovery work he is lazy. He see's a CSAT once every 2 weeks and he does not do any of the work that she assigns him. He spends his free time playing a game on his phone, arguing politics with people on facebook and drinking and smoking cigarettes in the garage.
I feel really hurt by his inaction regarding recovery. He swears he is sober from porn and strip clubs but i yearn to see him actively working on himself to heal. I have told him that I do not feel safe within our marriage when he is not actively working on recovery. I have said that it would help me feel safe if I saw him actively doing some sort of recovery work regularly.
I feel like this needs to be a boundary of mine but am not sure how to go about it.... When he is lazy regarding recovery work, I don't feel safe, I don't want him to touch me or be intimate with me. I feel distant from him.

Is it controlling of me if I tell him that I want to see him doing recovery work regularly and when he doesn't I don't feel safe and would like for him to sleep in another room and not be touched by him?

Thank you for any input you have. :)


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2020 8:46 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 75
Location: UK
Hi runway2020

Firstly, I am sorry that you are hurting over your partner's inactions x

I do not think it is controlling of you at all expecting him to put in the time and effort it will take to make you feel safe and comfortable in your marriage and to ensure his addiction is fully under control. A question I would be asking is - is he lazy and complacent or is he disinterested in full recovery and reclaiming his relationship with you? By telling you how bad he felt about not making that couples' exercise a priority was he not just playing the victim? If he felt so bad about it why did he not begin to remedy that there and then?

As you say, he has free time to pursue unimportant interests - I would be asking why he prioritizes these things instead of working on his recovery and rebuilding his relationship with you. Is he afraid of himself and what addiction work may open up for him?

Your boundaries and values are of vital importance to your personal healing and to the future of your relationship and your partner needs to respect and understand that. If he fails to recognize and act within those boundaries then he is surely failing in his recovery and/or his relationship. I thought long and hard about my boundaries before putting them to my partner in a long and detailed (and hard!) discussion. But the bottom line for me was if he could not or would not act upon and deal with my boundaries then there was no place for us to go.

My advice would be for your both to clear some alone time together, sit down and talk. Tell him how hurt you feel, explain to him what your boundaries are, tell him you won't put up with being sidelined or taken for granted any longer. Hopefully he will surprise you and take hard all you say.

Good luck x


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:48 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 676
Runaway -

Quote:
Is it controlling of me if I tell him that I want to see him doing recovery work regularly and when he doesn't I don't feel safe and would like for him to sleep in another room and not be touched by him?


No.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It's heartbreaking. Your husband may be sober from strip clubs and porn, but he seems to be substituting other addictive activities (drinking, smoking, playing games, facebook activity). I think you have been clear with him about wanting to do the couples lessons and that you are hurt. Before getting into active recovery, my addicted husband really did not care about my well being and would not accept that he hurt me. He was too self-centered, too addicted and too relationally incompetent.

My advice is to start the partners lessons for you. What helped me early on was to move my focus to me and my well being. The only thing I could control was taking care of me. The partners lessons were immensely helpful to me. As well, I started seeing an individual therapist who specializes in treating trauma.

Runaway, we all have the painful task of deciding if we are staying or going. The important thing for me was to regain my sense of self and value who I was and what I believed in. My husband was NOT a source of support for me in this process. It sounds like your husband is not sincere about fully working on recovery. That's tragic.

I had to get stronger and happier before I could make the hard decisions about my marriage. My husband is in active recovery, and while he is sober, he still has lots of work to do on becoming mature and learning to be a caring and giving person. Frankly, I regret having not left decades ago.

It took me a while to regain a sense of control over my life and to find peace and joy. It's very healing. I encourage you to make that your focus.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2020 12:01 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:31 pm
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for the thoughts and advice. I will continue to work on my own recovery. Hope you all have a wonderful day ❤️


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