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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2016 6:41 am 
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That was fun, even through all my tears. I loved all of them, but my favorites were the ones signed, "Me".


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2016 7:05 am 
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looks like exercises 7 & 8 are for partners....whereas 9 & 10 are for recovery (SA)


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:22 am 
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Ok, I read my next exercise (& yours). I'm set for discussing, when you are, and when we have a little chunk of time we can do this.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:00 am 
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i have read both as well and am ready to discuss. we have to make time to have time....however weekends do seem to work out the best for us. my intent here is to communicate that i am flexible and open to whatever works best.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2016 1:37 pm 
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i neglected to bring this up this past weekend. to be fair, it didn't even cross my mind as something i forgot to do until sunday night...


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:18 am 
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It's okay…let's talk this weekend for sure. Love you.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 11:27 am 
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i dropped the ball again....all of this stuff is indeed very important to me. please don't think for one second it is not on my mind all of the time. i tend to believe we may be moving into a place where "things feel better" so the sense of urgency may be receding a bit? please let me know what you think on this.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2016 7:16 am 
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I think I agree with you (about things feeling better), but then we don't "touch base" for a little bit, and an icky feeling starts creeping over me. I seriously have some deep trust issues, that I keep thinking are at bay, but clearly are not. Even working on those silly husband/wife books with you helps me feel closer to you in an intimate, non-day-to-day way. When you don't bring them up, I just feel sad. I'd like the little activities that keep us feeling close to not feel like they are my responsibility. I wish they would just come, without reminders, being an "exercise", or seemingly such effort. I know I want a lot, and fast. I'm sorry that I feel so negative, so often. You are doing so much, and I am truly appreciative of every step you take toward me.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2016 6:33 am 
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sold!
MUV U!!


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2016 11:52 am 
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just read my next section and exercise. i will read yours soon.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2016 11:18 am 
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just read your next section and exercise and ready to discuss...


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2016 8:32 am 
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Okay, I read and reread my portion. I'm tackling this before reading yours, as I want to remember all that came to mind in response to my exercise questions...

I think this “exercise/lesson” speaks more to us and where we are than the last. Regarding where “you/the SA” may be at this point, I see you at the healthiest of the examples given here (and am so thankful for this).

The idea that stood out to me the most had to do with how unfair this feels to me. I think I still slide back to the feeling of how unfair this feels – something I’m going to try to keep at the forefront of my mind going forward: It is unfair, but there’s a reason I’m weathering this storm, and in the end it’s not “for you”, but “for us”, and that benefits me too.

“Because he is your partner and your goal is to build a partnership.”

is the line that puts me in my place and reminds me why I have stuck by you when I didn’t want to; why we are working through this to get to a deeper understanding and more mature love in our relationship.

Considering… 2) Examining your current role in your partner's recovery, what mistakes have you made? Are there any you might still be making?

I think I really fumbled through the first ten years of our marriage. I’ve known for a long time there was something “wrong” and in my heart knew it wasn’t coming from me – there was a crux to our “issues” and I cried and screamed at seemingly clueless you to put your finger on it for me/for us. I’ve blamed you, I’ve hated you, and I’ve loved merely the idea of you – all which leave me a fairly unsupportive wife. I’m not sure what I could’ve done to move you more quickly to “recovery”, without you on board, but I’m sure my behavior and loud feelings have not been helpful. I’m not taking blame here; I’m just acknowledging that my emotionality definitely did not get us closer to love and may have hindered your process for a long while.

As far as right now goes, I think I’m doing okay for the most part. I know I have slips into that “it’s so unfair” zone, and sharing that with you doesn’t make you feel very good. I think the catharsis of the sharing for me may be more necessary to our rebuilding than the hurt you may feel from it though (I’m really not telling you anything new when I rehash stuff; it just surfaces it’s ugly head sometimes, and I need to vent – I am sorry about this, and it does feel like it is waning with time). Please let me know if there is anything I don’t do, could do differently…to be more supportive to you. We are at such different angles in this thing, I’m always afraid I’m way off, and you don’t have the words to tell me otherwise.

3) Describe the things you ARE CURRENTLY DOING to role model healthy partnership skills….
I’m not sure on this one. Honestly, I’m exhausted thinking about us. There came a point a while back that I gave up on the idea that I would have a healthy marriage, and in my mind I was already gone. I’m still working on remembering that I’m in the game again. I’m trying to juggle everyday life (in my ungraceful, frustrated manner), with my place in it (as “Mom”, which overwhelms me – both good & bad) and I feel like I’m kind of letting you drive the “partnership skills” bus right now. I’m on board; I’m just tired of steering. I’m going to try to organize my thoughts on actively putting more into “us”, as I do feel like I’m just kind of waiting for you, and I know that’s not being much of a “role model”.

I'll add more to this if anything else comes up in my thinking. Please give me any input, as it's all useful to keeping us on the same page. I love you.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2016 2:44 pm 
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i cannot disagree with anything you have shared or are feeling. for whatever it is worth, yes it actually is unfair. there are many aspects of this which i subjected you to which you had no input or say in. you had no control in the situation and you were likely blinded by your well meaning intentions and hopes. neither of us had any experience in dealing with anything like this previously, so we do need to cut ourselves a little slack here. i do not feel comfortable with you trying to understand or consider how you could be more accommodating to me in my recovery. i think you have shouldered enough burden in this thing and you should be let off the hook to a great degree.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2016 6:59 am 
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Ok…I've read through your part. Did you want to do your exercise on here, or talk about it?


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:07 pm 
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To preface this, I have the benefit of having lived through this, I am currently in the process of doing the recovery work, and I continue to learn more about this disease. Thus far, this has been nearly two years’ worth of committed and sustained effort at a heretofore unprecedented level of energy expenditure.

To directly meet the requirements of Exercise 10: If you had done the things I have done, in exactly the way I have done them, the things I would need in order to rebuild trust would be, first and foremost, the elimination of all materials and access to those materials. I would need some sort of discussion(s) or explanation(s) as to the extent of the transgressions, e.g. did they involve other people, was there any sort of contact with others, relationships, etc. I would require professional therapy/counseling, both individual and couples. I would require some form of group therapy, support group, or similar.

I am afraid that this may appear as though I am simply cataloging the actions that I am currently undergoing so as to bolster my defense in that I am doing everything I possibly can. However, where I am at now is the result of a couple years’ worth of focus which started with seriously confronting myself and admitting to myself that something was wrong. Then I took the step of reading a couple of books. Then I took the step of serious counseling. Then I took the step of “coming out” to you. Then maybe a year later took the step of a support group. Then I took the step of including you in the process, via the RN site. Each of these steps are progressively more outward reaching which is in direct opposition to my nature and the nature of this disease which compels me to withdraw and go inward; to isolate and insulate.


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