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PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:30 pm 
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We did lesson 2 last night. I was a bit apprehensive. I knew that my partner was not comfortable with this exercise. It was extremely satisfying to me to cook for her, feed her, especially brushing her hair. I realize how badly I have done in regard to meeting her needs, sharing with her emotionally, ...who am kidding, with regard to everything! I have failed miserably. This lesson helped me to realize how much I want to dote on her, cherish every moment with her and show her love and affection that she has always shown me. After dinner we watched a couples of episodes of ncis, about the only thing we care about on tv. Then I gave her a full body massage with essential oils aroma therapy. Non sexual totally. Then I brushed her teeth, I was really nervous about that. I was afraid I might gouge her gums! But it went ok.I thoroughly enjoyed waiting on and tending to her.


Last edited by Bevo on Tue Feb 14, 2017 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 10:07 pm 
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We completed lesson 2 last night. While I was a bit uncomfortable with having another person perform duties for me that I am quite capable of doing myself, I did enjoy the full attention of my husband. ..something that I have not gotten very frequently. I felt loved and pampered. I particularly enjoyed the oil massage. I did feel a bit guilty knowing that he would become sexually aroused with no release forthcoming for a while. But he assured me that he felt that it was worth it to please me and deny himself for a change. I know that if I we're to become disabled that he would be willing and capable of caring for me. ..but then I have always known that.


Last edited by Tlel on Wed Feb 15, 2017 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 10:37 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:23 pm
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My values:
Compassion
Christian faith
Friendship
Growth
Honesty/integrity/openness/transparency
Kindness
Love
Loyalty
Optimism
Responsibility/accountability
Trust
Appreciation/gratitude/thankfulness
Character
Commitment
Family
Forgiveness
Hard work
Respect
Sacrifice

Two things I could see my partner doing that are hurtful. But I don't really see them as value conflicts because they are done in a highly emotional state, not reflective of her character.
When anger, pain, resentment, et al cause a meltdown, and comments are made with the sole intent of inflicting as much hurt as possible, I expect an apology.

Under the same conditions as listed above, and obscenities are used, for the same purpose as above, I expect an apology.

I have no consequences to list. I know that my partner is a person of integrity and when the meltdown subsides, she will and has apologized. I also don't feel that I have the right to set consequences because the very reason she is feeling these intense, extreme emotions, is because of what I have done. I am responsible for the bad decisions I have made and I will deal with the consequences


Last edited by Bevo on Wed Feb 15, 2017 12:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 11:44 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:10 pm
Posts: 19
Fidelity/Purity
Hard or soft porn will not be tolerated. Any slips must be admitted to me within one hour if at all possible and no later than within 3 hours and accountability partner must be notified. A lapse will be considered porn viewing and is subject to consequences.
1st offense - move into another bedroom for one month with no physical contact
2nd offense - move out of our home for one month with no contact
3rd offense - move out of our home for a minimum of 6 months with the possibility of divorce proceedings

Honesty
No lies or deceitfulness. (Share with me any undisclosed memories or lies whenever uncovered with no consequences)
1st offense - move into another bedroom for one month with no physical contact
2nd offense - move out of our home for one month with no contact
3rd offense - move out of our home for a minimum of 6 months with the possibility of divorce proceedings

Integrity
Be a man of your word, do what you say
1st offense - correct the error
2nd offense - move into another bedroom for two days with no physical contact
3rd offense - move into another bedroom for a minimum of two days until you can prove you're dependable

Transparency
No internet on any device that is unprotected and always be reachable by phone unless I am notified beforehand where you will be and for how long
1st offense - move into another bedroom for one week with no physical contact
2nd offense - move into another bedroom for two weeks with no physical contact
3rd offense - consider legal separation

Commitment
Commitment to recovery and marriage
1st offense - move into another bedroom for one week with no physical contact
2nd offense - move into another bedroom for two weeks with no physical contact
3rd offense - consider legal separation

Faith
Don God's armor daily
No consequence with me. ..but you must answer to God

Family and Friends
Full commitment to our parents and family, our children and grandchildren and our friends
No consequences with me but I will not lie or cover up for you

Emotional Commitment
Share with me at least three times a day your emotional state
1st - 3rd offense - correct error immediately with apology
4th and subsequent offenses - move into another bedroom for a minimum of two days until you can prove you're committed to recovery

Intimacy Commitment
Initiate hugging, kissing at least three times a day
Initiate healthy sex at least once a week
1st - 3rd offense - correct error immediately with apology
4th and subsequent offenses - move into another bedroom for a minimum of two days until you can prove you're committed to recovery


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:09 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:10 pm
Posts: 19
Although I feel like this requirement of me is completely malicious and unfair and that I should not have to raise yet another child at my age, I will, nonetheless, and to the best of my capabilities, incorporate these needs into my husband's recovery. I pray that God will give me the strength and compassion to do so.
1)
I will give my husband the time he needs to recover to a healthy life without rushing him and meanwhile put on hold my own needs.

I will support his sincere efforts to recover by observing his commitment and voicing said observations.

I will to the best of my capabilities insert joy into his recovery by being pleasant when we engage in activities together such as date nights and our workouts. I will try to smile and laugh again.

I will return to being an appropriate role model for him of a healthy lifestyle and to point out character flaws, as he has asked me to do, of which tIrough observation I am made aware.

I will try to be as understanding as I can be under as many circumstances as is necessary and possible considering the damage I have incurred.

I will hold him accountable for my boundaries as well as his commitment to recovery.

I will extend mercy unless to do so would jeopardize either my health, his health or the health of our partnership.
2)
I am still finding it difficult to not go into a rage, belittle him, remind him of his weakness, bring up his behavior for our entire 37 year marriage and guilt him over such behaviors.
3)
So far I have done little to role model healthy partnership skills, especially healthy communication, other than point out untruths and ongoing character flaws. I am committed to doing better.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2017 4:32 pm 
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Exercise 9


This was difficult. Not difficult to just listen without response. That was not difficult. I had no compulsion to defend, answer, correct, clarify, pity, or self-loathe (well maybe a little). The hard part was experiencing the pain, anger, resentment, hopelessness, confusion, etc. that my partner goes through constantly. Even though she was not in a good emotional state, we call them melt-downs, and there was some lashing out, I feel that it was all warranted. I hate the devastation, destruction, and heart wrenching pain that I am responsible for. I felt intense and deep compassion, empathy and love for her; my heart aches and I know that it is exponentially worse for her. I believe that the lashing out is a normal part of her healing process and that she has every right to vent her feelings and I take it and grieve...for her, and me, and us. I know that the process will take time and I want to give her all the time, space, love, support, compassion and empathy that is within my power, for as long as it takes. This exercise, in conjunction with exercise 10, cemented into my heart and soul the depth and breadth of what I have done to her.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2017 5:00 pm 
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Exercise 10


If my partner did the things I have done-exactly as I have done them-what would I need in order to rebuild my trust in her? This is tough. I know what I would hope, pray and want my response would be...but…


As I read all the comments from others who have experienced the same or similar things I have put my partner through; I have heard many, if not most from my partner; it reinforced what I am continuing to feel. Regret, sadness, intense pain and heartache, empathy, compassion, remorse...the list goes on.To even scratch the surface of the depth and breadth of the pain I have caused. Placing such little value on our marriage, our family, her feelings, her heart, her very soul, and those of my children; I violated her trust, security, safety, respect. That I have structurally damaged all of that, if not completely destroyed, and more.


She has spent our entire marriage (37 years) baring her soul to me and sharing EVERYTHING. I have not even let her know me. All she knows is lies, deceit, pride, ego, selfishness, hypocrisy, willfulness, and stubbornness and lust.. And porn/masturbation and my willingness to sacrifice everything for that. Disgusting!


I would expect contrition, apologies, groveling, humiliation, shame and guilt, especially early on. I would expect strict compliance and adherence to boundaries with consequences, accepted with no defense. As a Christian I would expect repentance and drawing progressively closer to God. An observable change in prayer life, in depth scripture reading and discussion of those. The main problem with ALL of this is motivation. For someone like me who has been a liar and deceiver my whole life, are these changes a result of wanting further deception? To regain some trust in order to go back to porn and masturbation? Only God knows a person’s heart, and therein lies the problem.


So tough? Yeah. As I started, I would like to think that I would be able to determine whether true recovery and change were taking place and that I would want to experience the better, healthy partner and relationship. The reality is that every individual has to make that decision for themselves.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 10:03 pm 
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Lesson 6 - tlel
We completed lesson six this week and we found all of each other's notes. There were none from him hidden in extraordinary places. Because P does most of the laundry, I hid one note in the detergent container.


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