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is it really NB for recovery to totally quit the habits?
Poll ended at Sat Jun 26, 2010 2:28 am
yes 100%  100%  [ 3 ]
no 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
yes but scaling down slowly works ok 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 3
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 2:28 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:53 pm
Posts: 9
Just before we discovered this site my H and I had already embarked on a (very home-made) joint healing process involving learning better communication and scaling down his porn use so that there was some energy to start rebuilding an interactive sex life.

Now we both feel very positive about the couples workshop and we're busy with lesson 2.

The thing is, my H is not yet comfortable with identifying his issue as an 'addiction' (though to me it's clear as day and has been for several years) Instead he agrees that there are 'aspects' of the porn use and mbation habit that are 'problematic'

Since I am a 'broadminded' person and not really traumatised by discovering him using porn as such, but was (therefore even more?) destroyed by the deception and related issues, he's not clear on whether it is NB to cut out the porn and mb, or merely to cut down on it.

And I am terrified of him 'cutting it out' because the program suggests it vs because he's ready, therefore not managing to stick to it,(this has been the repeated pattern with his 'quitting' smoking) concealing that, and we go through the whole traumatic 'discovery' thing all over again - i feel like the marriage can't survive that, whereas right now I have real hope for it. (On the other hand even if we 'keep it where i can see it' there's no guarantee I'm seeing everything anyway, so this could still happen I guess.)

On the one hand I feel this is a Q only he can answer as he figures out his priorities, on the other hand we are new here and would love some input from others.

P.S. we agreed i'd post this since he's ++ busy and I'm very comfortable with typing[/u]


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 7:33 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
Quote:
so that there was some energy to start rebuilding an interactive sex life.


The root cause of sexual addiction is rarely sex at all! There are other issues that need to be worked on if your husband is going to recover and consequentially if you are to build a healthy sex life together, otherwise it will be much like putting icing on mud pie with the problems that contributed to the addiction still festering under the surface. The problems are not about you, they likely stem from sometime in childhood and are anot necessarily a result of trauma (but in many cases are).

Quote:
The thing is, my H is not yet comfortable with identifying his issue as an 'addiction' (though to me it's clear as day and has been for several years) Instead he agrees that there are 'aspects' of the porn use and mbation habit that are 'problematic'


Well, that is problematic.... acceptance is the first step to recovery. He will have to be able to wholeheartedly believe he has an addiction before he will be able to wholeheartedly commit to a recovery program. Otherwise, again, icing on mud pie. Additionally, since porn and masturbation are the "drug" (in an indirect way, they actually trigger the release of the real drug, which is created naturally by his body) it is much like an alcoholic cutting back on the amount of alcohol they drink, or a drug addict cutting back on the number of times they shoot heroine into their veins....

Quote:
And I am terrified of him 'cutting it out' because the program suggests it vs because he's ready, therefore not managing to stick to it,(this has been the repeated pattern with his 'quitting' smoking) concealing that, and we go through the whole traumatic 'discovery' thing all over again - i feel like the marriage can't survive that, whereas right now I have real hope for it. (On the other hand even if we 'keep it where i can see it' there's no guarantee I'm seeing everything anyway, so this could still happen I guess.)


From what you shared here, it sounds like your commitment to the survival of the marriage (by not rocking the boat or forcing an issue) is stronger than your commitment to healing and recovery. I am not being judgemental when I say this, only making an observation which is that it sounds like maybe neither of you are really ready to embrace all that is involved in healing and recovery. What I would suggest at this point is for you to begin the partner's healing workshop to see if any of it resonates with you and then see if continuing down the path of couple's healing is also for you.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: thanks so much
PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2010 12:43 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:53 pm
Posts: 9
This has given me some real food for thought. I greatly appreciate it.

I have actually started looking at some of the partner's stuff, in the mean time, and we've made some beginning on the couple's work. His perspective has also shifted somewhat, but it's not yet clear how much....

I guess I need to keep facing the challenge. Each time I come to this site, I seem to clear a bit more fog.


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