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PostPosted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:26 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:27 pm
Posts: 2
Hi everybody,
My husband and I just joined Recovery Nation and are committed to working through the couples workshop. We are just doing Exercise 1 in which he writes out all his activities, waits three days then revisits and either burns or re-does the list.

I have been thinking about my reaction to this document and now I realize that it is probably time for me to acknowledge some of my own actions in the past.

I have three incidences that he does not know about:

2 of these were when we were in the very early stages of our dating relationship - maybe six/nine months - 11 years ago.
1 happened on either our 2nd or 3rd dating anniversary well before we were married.

My quandary is this -
My MO is all my relationships has been to use sex as revenge. If the man in my life has betrayed me (and it's happened in every relationship so far) I will purposefully find a way to hurt them with a sexual betrayal.

If I bring up the past experiences now - is it just for revenge? To hurt him?
But if I continue to hide these from him, I am engaging in exactly the same behaivor he did and we cannot re-build our relationship on secrets.

Why didn't I tell him before? Because part of his sexual issues (don't know if that's the right phrase to use) is to fantasize about me having sex with other men and, in fact, this was an activity that we engaged in together against my better judgement and desire. I did not tell him before, not because I thought it would hurt him but because I thought it would excite him and by withholding the truth, I was punishing him by not giving him that excitement.

If I tell him now, it could trigger him since this is a major component to his compulsive behavior. But if I don't, I am now the one with the lies and secrets.

Any feedback? Thank you.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:57 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:27 pm
Posts: 2
So I think I just answered my own question. Yes, I do need to tell him. In particular, the incident that happened on our dating anniversary because I believe this is very critical to what happened later on in our marriage - maybe even the very first step to our lives imploding.

Since we are separated and live 800 miles apart I will have to tell him by phone but I will do it tonight.

-Angie


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2010 7:56 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 5:42 am
Posts: 8
Angie,
if you don`t mind me asking, what your revenge was based on exactly ?
What sexual betrayal we are talking about here ?

Quote:
I have three incidences that he does not know about:


If you decide to be completely honest to your H*

How many incidences there were total ?

And again all of these incidences happened because of your H* ?

Or because you being an S/A and you couldn`t control yourself ?

Before I met my wife I was dating for couple of months one hot mom :) She had a 16 y.o. daughter.
I didn`t really want to have anything serious with her, but she was thinking otherwise. I slept with her only once.

My wife accused me sleeping around with her and her daughter - which was total absurd .This "hot mom" was playing games with me and with my friend Andrew.
My so called friend Andrew as I noticed later, always was hitting on women I tried to be with, behind my back. I still don`t know what was his problem.
One night me and my friends had a VIP party at "HashBrowns" night club.
That " hot mom" start playing mind games with me as always. Also there was another girl Mia I met that night.
So I took my "hot mom" home and spent the night at the hotel with Mia. I didn`t really like Mia but it was my revenge to my "hot mom`s" mind games and betrayal with Andrew.

When I woke up in the morning Mia was gone. Mia had a big self-esteem issues . So I decided to give some attention to help raise her self-esteem and we texted each other back and forth, but I never slept with her again - she is not my type. Me and Mia became good friends.

One day When we got married, my wife introduced me to her new friend - that girl was Mia :)
When Mia start showing up at our house I decided to let my wife know and I did tell her. I explained the situation i was in and that I slept with Mia - only once, but my W* didn`t believe me. Another thing if she did not believe, why she was bringing Mia in our house all the time?
I did not get it really.

When my W* heard about it she went crazy. I shouldn`t tell her that. I was honest with my W*. As I see it now truth can hurt too. I think it was corner stone for my B* behavior which affected our marriage.
sleeping with Mia meant nothing to me i felt i was dirty. that was it.

There are some things in your partner`s life, that better to not know it, as them could bring us to point of no return.................


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 11:03 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
Trader, Please refrain from using personally identifying info. These forums are meant to be anonymous and using names of people offers too much info that may be used to identify. It is more appropriate to use a first initial.

Also, trader, I sense that, given your other post, that you are "looking" for your wife to be here... it seems like you are trying to be identified and I would ask you to refrain from this.

Quote:
There are some things in your partner`s life, that better to not know it, as them could bring us to point of no return.................


This view point is not a healthy one. Honesty and Transparency are part of a healthy recovery and healing. One of the hallmarks of addiction is deception and secrecy. Stick to what is in alignment with your values.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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