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PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:27 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:26 am
Posts: 78
Cluck,
First, let me say, I know exactly how you feel. and I understand why you want to read these things. Two years ago, I would have said,"Yeah! i want that too!" You have a right to have all your questions answered. You have a right to have all the information you want about your partner's addiction. But... as I learned over time, getting what I'm entitled to is not always what's best for the relationship. Your partner needs a place to be honest with himself and in the beginning, that place needs to be private. If he knows you will read it, I promise you, he will not confess everything he needs to confess. He will not get better without first being honest with himself. In time, if he is a sincere recovery, he will tell you what you need to know. And you too, as you heal, will realize there are somethings you do need to know, but you don't need nor do you want to know everything - even though it may be your right. Trust me.

After about a year on the website, my husband finally let me read his stuff. I also felt that I couldn't fully forgive if I didn't know what I was forgiving. It made for very painful reading. I wish I didn't know the names, the details of his fantasies. You may not realize this now, but the details are not important. What turned out to be important was why he did these things, and that he now has learned healthier ways to cope.

Try to give him time. And you take time too. Work on healing rather than forgiving right now. Your perspective will change over time.

I feel for where you are right now. It's a very painful process we go through. But let me encourage you. It's been two years for us. We went through ineffective counseling and many painful conversations... well, you know about those, I'm sure. But my husband was in a sincere recovery effort, though a slow recovery, I think. His outward behaviors have disappeared, but he still struggles with fantasizing. And he's still working on it. But I see the concrete changes. He is a fully engaged husband and father, and our relationship is better than it ever could have been without the growth that takes place through this process.

I hope your outcome is as good.

best of luck you you and your husband.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 8:14 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:26 am
Posts: 12
Thank you. This is just the kind of pep talk I needed! I had mostly decided that I don't want to read the letter. I knew that it was mostly for him and his recovery and I knew that it would hurt a lot to read it. He hasn't yet finished it but I already feel like I don't need to be strong to keep from reading it, my desire to do so is that much less. He has been pretty fair answering my questions and I have been much more careful of what I ask. I like the idea that I need to concentrate on healing and myself for the time being.

Thanks again for taking a moment to write and help me to see more clearly.


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