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 Post subject: Consequences
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:24 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:17 pm
Posts: 166
From the Couple's Workshop - Lesson 3; Healing Contracts
Quote:
No one is perfect. And those in recovery and those in healing--simply by the nature of one's immaturity and the other's trauma--will be far from it. So try to structure your consequences to be both fair and firm, but realistic. Progressive consequences work best, but only for mild violations. Extreme and immediate consequences work best for extreme violations.
I've had a question for some time regarding the use of consequences in the lessons. I'm aware of the meaning but other then no consequences or extreme consequences, (ending a relationship) what intermediate consequences have worked for other couples? I guess the whole idea of intermediate consequences seems rather immature, i.e., if you do that again no more dessert for you! The lessons don't seem to include any examples other then extreme consequences so any feedback is appreciated.
skrelon

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa


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 Post subject: Re: Consequences
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:06 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
Natural consequences are a safe bet. If honesty is violated, it is natural that trust will be further damaged. When trust is further damaged, there are other natural consequences that follow. Trust is a foundation for many other values, such as friendship and intimacy. Damage to these values will further divide the relationship. I will be less inclined to want to be around a person whom repeatedly lies, even about things that are not directly related to sexual acting out. To protect a value of self respect, I may not go out in public with my husband if I expect that he will be objectifying others. There are many boundaries and consequences that can be created, and none of them have to be immature. It is best to keep the consequence natural to the violation. If my h flirts with another woman, I am not going to divorce him immediately, but I will withdraw emotionally, and may even sleep in the spare bedroom. Also, using a consequence that requires the offender to do something is rarely effective. What happens if the offender refuses to follow through? (This is why I would go sleep in the spare room, and not tell my h to--because doing so makes ensures that my boundary is enforced in a healthy and empowered way--he's a big guy and I there is no use to trying to physically force him, or to use threats, coercion or other forms of feigned control. On top of it, these efforts would all violate my values further, waylaying me further from my vision.

Be well.

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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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 Post subject: Re: Consequences
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 12:40 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:17 pm
Posts: 166
Coach Mel,
Thank you for responding and I appreciate the feedback. Perhaps I was looking at the issue of consequences too simplistically. Your idea of natural consequences seems most appropriate since it leads over time to a more integrated and natural response to issues in a relationship as Coach Jon included in this Lesson. Thanks for all your help.
skrelon

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa


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