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PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:34 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:17 pm
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Exercise Three
1. Both of you will take some time to create an individual list of perceived value conflicts that focus on your values that are being or may likely be violated by your partner's behavior. Use the outline shared earlier in the lesson (e.g. Developing the Contract) to establish awareness of all major conflicts. Note that we will not be addressing all of these conflicts in detail, only establishing that they exist. Additionally, we will begin to define the values and boundaries that are at the core of these conflicts. And an initial probe into the severity of each conflict (as dictated by the consequences). Post them into your Couple's Healing Thread.
As the SA, I don't have a list of perceived value conflicts that may likely be violated by my partner's behavior. I'm the one that has had behaviors that violated my partner's values and boundaries. She has raw emotions and is at times angry and upset but these aren't conflicts caused by her behavior but by mine. So, I'm at a lose as how to complete this exercise from the SA perspective. Any feedback is appreciated.
skrelon

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 10:52 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
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Hi Skrelon,

Even though you are responsible for the damage that has occurred as a result of your addiction, your wife is ultimately responsible for her reactions. Also, just because you are the "guilty party" does not mean that you do not get to create boundaries. Boundaries are necessary to protect your values. If being treated with respect is something you value, and your wife continually violates that with sarcastic remarks (for example, using my own experience as an example as I used to regularly spit venom at my husband) then this will not promote health for you, or for her. Yes, her feelings are valid and completely understandable, and even warranted, but it doesn't mean that she gets a "get out of jail free card" because of what you did. That is not responsible.

If this is where your wife is (which is symptomatic of the disorientation phase) I do not think that the couple's workshop is necessarily the right path at this time. Again, this is completely understandable but at the same time not conducive to the current path. Continue with some of the intimacy (that is, emotional intimacy) building exercises, but approach the ones dealing with equal partnership when you are both ready to accept equal partnership as part of your relationship (it doesn't sound like you are ready to embrace this at this time either).

Be well.

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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 12:56 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:17 pm
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Hi Coach Mel,
Thanks for the response and feedback. I'm not sure I explained my question or our situation very well and maybe I'm just confused about our situation, not having been through this before it's a little confusing to know exactly where we are. My wife doesn't spit venom at me, she frustrated and at times angry but I would be the same way if someone treated me like I treated her. I understand your point of using my boundaries to protect my values but I'm reluctant to push back on her too hard with things I feel she needs to vent on even if I don't always like to hear about them. I'll use my values to construct a list of potential conflicts.
Thanks again,
skrelon

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:54 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 174
Yes, I too struggled to come up with anything for this one - given that I'm the one causing the problems.

All I could think of was to ask that my wife doesn't start conversations that I'm likely to find difficult while we're driving (not a good time for someone to stress-out) and also that she doesn't criticise me to the children. Which she's only done once in 7 years. So I felt like I was scraping the barrel there, but I got something written down.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 4:25 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:17 pm
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Guided,
I did the same and taking Coach Mel's suggestion about my boundaries, came up with some issues that have led to past conflicts and included them in my response.
Thanks, skrelon

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"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." --Mother Teresa


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