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PostPosted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 9:24 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2013 8:53 am
Posts: 19
Clearly, I have inflicted a significant wound to my partner in my acting out. I am not denying that. She's angry, hurt, and by any measure has every right to be. I have put myself into SAA (completed my 1st step a week ago), enrolled in a 3 day intensive, and are in the Couples workshop, and are stalled awaiting a coach. We have agreements not to disclose any details about my behavior until the intensive, and here. Yet, there have been 2-3 instances where when asked about my behavior, I say that I can't disclose any details until the intensive, or to her here. She responds with "is that a yes?" and it all comes out. I don't want to withhold from her, yet I am bound by my agreements, yet she is always finding ways to pry it out of me. I can see how she is drowning with trying to get answers, and how hurt she is, and I find no joy in seeing her this way. Conversely, I am doing all that she asks, and yet she won't let up until she gets the answers she is seeking. In particular, the question of whether I've brought someone into our home, and how often. She now knows the answer, and is again, deeply hurt, and wants to know why I hate her so much that I would have done this to her. In this case, it feels personal to her, and I get that. Where do I do when I can give the the answers she so desperately needs, and not subvert the programs I and working through, or worse, causing more damage than I've already done to her?


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 11:05 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 11, 2013 12:06 pm
Posts: 54
I hear you. I don't have an answer for you but I am in a very similar situation. No matter what I say or even if I say I am not available to talk or have nothing to share at the moment it seems to hurt the woman I love. She is deeply hurt by my behavior and the wounding in her life that it reflects. What I have been told to do is listen, listen and listen. And when I was ready to listen she asked me questions! :? I was honest AND I told her, I know I am messed up right now and don't know HOW to answer questions. I told her all the work I am doing to overcome my addictive strategies and said I am not going to stop taking care of my issues. I am told I need to focus on my behavior and not so much on the relationship. I need to keep MY side of the street clean and NOT worry about her side. That is what I am practicing. Good Luck. P.S. I also try to remember that when she doesn't care anymore, she will leave.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2013 12:11 am 
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Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2013 8:53 am
Posts: 19
Thanks for this. There is so much I want to say to her, and like Walter Sobchak's character in "The Big Lebowski, I end up being my own worst enemy. I want to share the progress I'm making with her, and to demonstrate, by my actions, that I am doing the hard work necessary to recover myself, and ultimately, our relationship, and create something new and lasting out of the ashes.
One of the things that my partner struggles with is how few outlets she has to communicate and process the hurt that she feels, and until we complete the 3day intensive we scheduled for this week, there are no great options for her here in rural Humboldt County. It may be awesomely beautiful here, but no COSA, or structure to help her process the anger and betrayal she feels as a result of my selfish actions. And until we can move forward with directed couples coaching, she's adrift in the miasma of no foundation to support her working through the pain she feels over what I've done and how disrespected and betrayed she feels. I know she's hurting deeply. And she sees that I am moving forward, and she's stuck, because of my actions. So it's very fragile between us right now, and for as hollow as this will sound if she ever reads this, I love her and that's almost impossible for her to hear right now, and it pains me to see her without a lifeline to hold onto. We are just starting, I get she's committed beyond anything I deserve, and I have insufficient answer to the questions she asks of me, which further drives her despair. She can bash me all she wants, and right now I don't have the skills to help her, and when I do, I'm sorely lacking. All I can do is to acknowledge the past, and by doing the work as an individual and as a couple, show her by my actions, that I care deeply, and hope that someday we'll both be able to move past anger and fear that I've left her with, to create something new together.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:37 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 20, 2013 1:47 pm
Posts: 102
Heya, I'd love to hear how your 3 day intensive worked out!

I'm the Partner, so my H is the SA. I get that your Wife doesn't have much of an outlet. I wish we could all share phone number here so that we can say, "WHAT AN ASSHOLE!" , cause I know you SAs hear it, but can't really change it. Sometimes you just need to vent.

I did an S Anon meeting, and found it pointless. The women didn't get my situation, and we talked and read these papers for 45 minutes, and I'm like, DUDE! I'm not codependent, so I didn't feel comfortable saying half the things we were saying aloud.

I can't speak with my family or close friends because it would jeopardize their ability to see H without that haze of how seriously he betrayed me and I really believe they'd all say, "Polly, you have to leave this asshole".

So, know that your Partners have no really great place to vent, unless they have amazing IC, and I can't afford one, and am maybe going to see a trauma therapist cause it's inexpensive, but I don't have high hopes.

And, seriously, how did the intensive go?


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2013 10:26 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2013 8:53 am
Posts: 19
Here's what I can say. There are all manor of 3 day intensive, my wide and I did the Hope & Freedom course. Full disclosure really works, and I was holding on till the last minute, and I was committed to getting it all out so I could be free of my past. There was a lie detector test that I volunteered for, because it was important to both us us. For me, it was to start clean. For my partner, knowing that there were no undeclared surprises. And, I am approaching my sobriety with a kind battlefield mentality, and just completed my 3rd step, with the help of my partner, my sponsor, and some great people around me. All I can say is I am much clearer about my values, and that matching my values to do the next right thing, has helped me to be with my partner's pain, as well as my own. Hope this helps.


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