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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:34 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 26

1. I felt boredom, or had some problems on my mind and didn't know how to solve them, felt anxiety, was scared if I would be able to handle the current problem successfully. I felt that watching porn and masturbating might relax me and make me forget about everything, the whole world.
2. I felt that smoking weed might help me focus on the porn and masturbation more intensely and so help me distance myself form the real world even further.
3. I knew sites on the internet that a lot of material that had aroused me in the past. I felt suspense of what new material had become available since the last time I visited the sites.
4. I discovered the new material on the sites that I felt might arouse me, I opened it in new tabs, I felt exited that the experience would start.
5. I started watching the videos or pictures and masturbating. I was still exited. I was starting to feel pleasure and getting completely focused on the porn and masturbation. The "real" world seemed to dissenter.
6. As I was watching I was constantly scrolling though the video, looking for the scene that would arouse me the most and felt exited at what the next scene would be like. Or the next picture.
7. If the video or picture would excite me a lot, I felt good that I found something that stimulating.
8. I ran out of the material I had just prepared. I felt some sadness that I had ran out of it already.
9. I started looking for new material.. sort of the steps 4-8 happened all over again.
10. I was getting close to orgasm, I tried to time it so I would be looking at the most exiting picture or scene.
11. I achieved orgasm. It was really the peak of the experience. All I felt was the pleasure of orgasm and nothing else. Ok sometimes I would feel accomplishment, if I had timed the orgasm to an exciting scene.
12. I started feeling bad. I was disgusted at myself. I was asking myself why I had to be doing this again.
13. After the time my girlfriend had found out about all of this, I had still tried to do it sometimes. At this occasions I started cleaning the computer.. history etc. At this point I started feeling fear that she would find out about it and asking myself if I would be able to successfully lie to her. I felt terrible as I knew it would hurt her if she knew I was doing it.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 9:00 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 27

Firstly of the compulsive chains I developed would be the act of watching porn and masturbation that happened several times a day. Firstly I watched porn and masturbated, felt disgust and remorse when I finished, but after a while, I remembered I had downloaded material while I acted out or had just remembered the stuff I watched and it triggered me to do it again.
For the second type of chain I can think of masturbating and thinking and fantasizing about the porn that I had watched on a previous occasion. This happened when I didn't have immediate access to porn.
It's also true that in addition to porn and masturbation I was did other compulsive rituals like smoking marijuana, getting drunk, doing extreme sports for the rush of adrenaline.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 11:18 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 28
The last time I acted out was a couple of months ago. I was trying to stop everything so it wasn't as full blown out as it previously was but it still happened. At that time I hadn't done anything to learn to manage my emotions in a healthy way. I haven't watched porn for some time prior to it, it wasn't so that long, as I did slip a couple of times before but it definitively wasn't as frequent as I was used to in the past. I was living with my girlfriend in a big city in a foreign country for a couple of months. I was kinda stressed because I had I project I had to finish on a dead line and at the same time I should be finishing my diploma. There was also still some stress of simply not viewing porn and masturbating like I did in the past, and stress of just coming to a new city. The neighborhood we were living in was really sexual with a lot of sex shops and night clubs everywhere. So living in that area and walking past those places, really made me start fantasizing. When I was walking around, before going to sleep, even when having sex with my girlfriend. It all made me want to see the imagery, I was used to when watching the porn. At an occasion I was alone I went to look at some pictures on a site I visited in the past. I was looking at the pictures and it made me nervous and exited at the same time. There was a lot of adrenaline going through me at the time. I didn't masturbate as I was afraid to tell my girlfriend what was happening and I that I am having problems and I was afraid she would found out easier what I did if I had. After some time I managed to stop looking at the pictures, I deleted the history and I was afraid I was going to get caught. Funny because I know that at the time I could have worked it out with the girlfriend at the time. After that I was fantasizing about the images I just saw. So much that when I was alone at another occasion I went to see them again. And I was fantasizing again. After that we had to move out of the apartment and went for a trip for a couple of days. We moved in another apartment and soon there my girlfriend asked me if there was anything new with the porn and I told her what happened. I guess my chain got broken then.

What would have heighten the stimulation, would be getting high prior to watching the porn. Watching videos, downloading them for future scenarios, masturbating, multiple times, maybe not deleting history, but I doubt that would happen in the situation.. This is all the stuff I was doing in the past acting out.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 6:21 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 29

Firstly I thought of the good moments like lying in the bed with my girlfriend and talking for the whole night, laughing and cuddling. I felt happy, relaxed, secured and loved. I was enjoying the moment and hoping in could last forever.
The times I spend with my friends when we were still kinds playing in our neighbourhood, I felt so care free, not worrying about the future, content with myself.
I pictured myself in the future with my girlfriend, living together, sharing our lives. I felt safe, stable, happy, optimistic, like we could do everything and not worry about the whole world, like sharing our love was the only thing that matters.

I remember many the times my parents were fighting when I was the child. I felt like I was the cause of the all the pain. That my parents would never have been together if I wasn't born, and that they would be so happier. I felt like I don't belong in the world and everything would be so better if I wasn't there.

With all the many things I've done to hurt everybody around me. All the lying and taking advantages of people that loved me. I feel so much shame and regret. I feel like I've let everyone down. I feel like I've lost so much track of the person I wanted to be as a child. I feel anger towards myself for doing things and making decisions that twisted my values, that I have to live with now. I feel remorse. I would like to just go back in time and change everything. I feel like so much of a failure, that I was unable to establish a strong foundation for my life by this time. I feel afraid for what my life would be if all the unhealthy patterns continued and progressed. I feel again like the world would be better without me.

Thinking of the compulsive behaviour, I think it was all trigger with my feeling of not belonging in society. That I was afraid that I will never fit in. That I will never meet peoples expectations. That I will never be truly loved. I was afraid to really trust anybody, that if I did they would just hurt me. I felt like I was never really a part of everything. Like I am just watching my life go by as a movie. I felt that I should just get away from the world, because I was never and will never really be able to be a part of it. Acting out, watching porn and masturbating allowed me to escape everything, to really enter into another world, at least for the time, and forget everything about the one. I felt like I was in control there. That nobody could hurt me. Nobody needed to accept me. I was good enough there. No one could ever refuse me.

I know that acting out would provide me with comfort for the time, but by doing so I would just hate myself even more. I would feel more alienated from the world, and not a part of it, I would feel like I was unacceptable even more. I would feel more like I need to escape this world and go back to acting out. I would resent myself for doing this again, I would feel like I've let myself down. By not acting out I can only feel proud of myself. Like somebody who deserves their role in the world. Somebody who can control themselves and do good. Someone who can be loved.

The times of the most anxiety would be times when my parents were fighting when I was a child, I felt I was the reason for their fighting. In times in school my mom found my weed. I felt I wont be accepted by them. Once some of my friends found some traces of porn on my computer. I felt like I won't be accepted by them anymore. When my girlfriend found all how bad the extent of the addiction was, or found out that I was lying to her etc.. I felt like I won't be accepted by her and anybody at all.
Of the least anxiety would be playing with friends when I was a kid, I felt accepted by them. Didn't worry about how I should be so they would like me. Enjoying the good times with my girlfriend, talking and cuddling all night. I felt loved.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 12:25 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Lesson 31

Stressors in the past weeks.
Risk of loosing my girlfriend, deteriorating of our relationship or not getting any better ( severe ).
Risk of loosing respect of friends and family ( moderate)
Risk of loosing professional respect or risk of achieving progress on projects in development (moderate).

The relationship with my girlfriend is a really important value to me, so the majority of stress expended towards the pursuit of bettering our relationship is ok. Friends and family are also important in my values so spending my stress there is also ok. the same is with my work. I also have an important value of eating healthy and exercising, but it doesn't cause me a lot of stress. I'ts true I could be doing a lot better there. Knowledge is also an important value for me, and I'm not doing so good there lately either. But it's true I am learning a lot about myself trough recovery.

As of getting meaning and stimulation in my life. I am getting a lot of this out of the relationship with my girlfriend on the good moments when I really know I have someone who loves me. The relationship with my family has also been fulfilling in the weekend. I get a lot good out of exercising.. But I know I could be doing a lot better on last two. I'm also kinda neglecting work and knowledge lately. I should pick it up.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:24 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 32

Progress for action plans


I will get fit and make sure I stay fit
I was doing ok on this, I did loose some weight. I did have a couple of bad weeks when I wasn't eating that well and wasn't exercising that much. Now I'm back on track, more or less, today it wasn't such a good day. I'm still eating too much carbs.

I will be an outstanding lover
I think I made a lot of progress here. I'm working a lot on connecting spiritually during sex, instead pf just raw pleasure. I'm not forcing sex. I'm focusing on foreplay and slow romantic kissing, but I got the response that it was too much at times. I tried to produce some romantic settings, but it should happen more often.

I will wake up earlier in the morning, even when I when won't have to
Well on this one I had good days and bad ones. I wake up a lot earlier nowadays, but It's still way too late on some days. I does happen that I wake up on my one and not when I'm pressured by someone else. I usually don't force myself to get up the first time I wake up or shower when I wake up though.

I will strengthen my relationship with my partner
Well I think I have gotten better and our relationship has strengthened a lot. I'm honest with her, attentive to her needs and emotions, I share myself a lot more with her. I help her, look to cheer her up, I'm calm and I'm try to show her I'm on her side.

I will spend my free time actively, such as going outside, playing sports, learning new things
I wasn't doing so great on this one. I didn't do a list, I didn't really do sports or go on walks and stuff, but I did work out when I was stressed.


When I start something I will make sure I finish it
I didn't do so great here either. Finishing my diploma should be a priority. I haven't done a timetable, got any material or do any real work on it.

I will help my family members, and offer to help event if they don't as for it
Well I did help my grandmother lately and we did kinda cook pizza with my girlfriend lately, but in the last couple of days I had a major fallout with mom over the emotional pressure she was giving me all of my life.

I will learn and master the areas I find interesting
Well, I didn't do a list, didn't work on my diploma as much as I should. I did read up about some other stuff lately (android), but that really shouldn't be a priority now


I will spend more time with friends I am loosing touch with
Well I spend some time with them, but really not as much as I would like to. It would be easier to get a bit more emotionally stable.

I will improve my self esteem
I did work out and I got kinda fitter. Didn't shave as much and I really need a haircut. wasn't really social lately...

I will try to remain calm when facing stressful situations
I had a work problem the other day and got really stressed because It was taking longer than I anticipated. I did work out a little during it to take the edge off.

I will handle quarrels by keeping calm instead of loosing nerves
Usually I did remain calm, a lot more than before. I did get nervous and angry once in the beginning but calmed down soon. I usually didn't write down the stuff I wanted to say, except on one occasion.

I will have an adventures sexual life
I was looking for more of a emotional connection during sex and an opportunity to strengthen our relationship. I did one mistake once when I was expecting too much adventure during sex. We talked about a lot of it since.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 11:42 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Lesson 33

Mastering emotions

I've been observing and anticipating my emotions for the last 3 or 4 days, but I haven't written anything down yet  I've had a real bad fall out with my mom over the emotional pressure she's been giving me. There were a lot of heavy emotions like anger and sadnes over her not understanding my needs, constant pressure and putting me down. Fear and anxiety for the future. If I will be able to make it work and how it will affect my relatinship with my girlfriend.
I've really got the grasp on finitive emotions. I've found out that I will feel more or less the same after each bad confrontation, and I could expect how I will feel before the confrontation if it goes bad, becouse I've felt it before. Not that it was a lot easier but at least I knew that I will feel better after some time.

I was just thinking how much emotions are in our everyday lives, that I wasn't aware of before trying to focus on them. Emotions in the little things like seeing someone smile to you or thinking about completing some task, arriving on time on a appointment etc.
I also got aware that if you anticipate stressful or emotional situations you can manage them a lot better because you know how you will feel and how you reacted to previous similar emotions. When the emotions are not such a mystery you can react to them or make decisions while influenced by them with much more thought, just because you are aware that you are currently influenced by them.

I was thinking of emotions experienced when acting out. It was always this progressing feeling that something is currently wrong or I am unhappy, worried or nervous at the moment and that watching porn might help me feel better. It got stronger and stronger and finally it was all I was able to think about. Only porn and masturbation, how exiting it will be. The whole belief of this was getting more and more ingrained over the years. All the negative emotions I was feeling started to disappear the more I thought about it. Watching porn felt exiting. I felt in control. I didn't worry about my problems, my self esteem, how others will perceive me, will I make it in life.. I was the only one on the planet. But after it finished, I remembered that I was in a state of delusion all that time. That I do need to worry about my problems I was hiding from, and I just made myself more of them. I felt disgusted at myself, I felt worse about myself, worried more what people might think about me, felt like I had none control what soever, that my whole life is a total chaos.
I realized that this feeling of disgust was diminishing as time after I acted out passed. The need to act out would probably pass or diminish over time
for each instance if I had not given in. And would have subsided from instance to instance over time too.
What I realized was that each time you respond to a certain emotion in a certain manner, you teach yourself that this is the way you should respond to it and more likely it is that you will respond the same the next time you experience it.

Over the days I was doing the exercise I was hyper aware of my emotions, I thought about them as they appeared and tried to analyze them as much as I could. I tried to anticipate them for each situation, but I found out that I couldn't anticipate every situation that would have a strong emotional response, because it was often experience as a result of actions of people around me, whose actions aren't under my control.
I did some role playing of emotional responses, especially in connection with sexually compulsive behavior, and I believe I recognized my responses pretty well as the were more or less consistent. I haven't done as much role playing of emotional responses of future possible extremely stressful situations yet. I still have some work to do.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 12:20 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 34

Immediate gratification has come into play in a lot of situations. To start I think of flirting and sleeping with exes of my friends, I knew it could hurt my friendship, but I had an urge to be sexually active and I often lacked the energy to really meet girls by myself. It's really crappy but that happened a lot in my group of friends.
I watched really inappropriate and shameful porn, I did it even when I promised my girlfriend I would do it. I knew I would experience great social shame if anybody found out. I knew I would hurt my girlfriend by doing so. I knew I would hurt my relationship. I had a great urge to do so at the time, I was thinking about it all of the time and it produced a lot of stress by not acting out.
I lied to my girlfriend about various compulsive behaviors, mostly related to sex and drugs. I was afraid to tell the trough as I felt I won't be excepted and understood, and my girlfriend wouldn't be with me. I was probably right. I think I thought I could keep it all a secret forever, but I know now how much it would destroy us.
I objectified girls (my current and all the exes) and thought too much about my current pleasure instead of providing love for them at the risk of crushing the relationship. I wasn't really aware how bad my view of sex was until now. I was just looking for instant pleasure for myself.

The anxiety of not acting out is kinda hard to express. It was like just like you are 15 and your dad just got a brand new ferrari in the garage with a full tank of gas and he's just out of town and left the keys at home. You always wanted a sports car. Your dad won't let you drive, he won't even let you look at it . But the car is right there. You know you weren't supposed to take it. You might brake it, you might get caught, you might get stopped by the police, you might hit someone. But he's not home, how will he find out and you will just take a look at maybe sit in a little, it's gonna be awsome. One look won't hurt. When you see it you know you have to see it form the inside too and of course sit in it. Now your sitting in it and thinking I wonder how the engine sounds, why wouldn't I fire it for a second, just a second. Then you fire it and may stop it in a second. But you loved how it sounds, you want to hear it some more, you want to give it some gas. Of course you can't think of anything else but firing it again. So you fire it and give it some gas, now you start thinking I wonder how it would be to drive it. Maybe I could move it just a little on the drive way. You move it and you love it, now you think, What if I just take it one spin around the block? What can happen? I'll go slow and be really careful. Of course you take it around the block, but now you are so hyped you just need to take it on the motorway and really see what this baby can do. Pretty soon you're doing 200 on the motorway, while the police are chasing you and you end up hitting a bunch of pedestrians.
Something like that.

During a compulsive ritual, for me it would be viewing porn and masturbating, it would be more or less a trance like feeling. I let go of all my thought of the outside world, nothing seemed to exist. I didn't think of anything except finding that next scene or picture. When I did it was accompanied with a feeling of excitement and accomplishment. And I was already thinking of the next one. I was in a constant feeling of suspense. Just like driving that ferrari. Exited that I'm driving it, feeling accomplished about my driving and in suspense of what more I can get out of the car.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 3:01 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:58 am
Posts: 665
Hi OntheRoad,

That Ferrari analogy is an interesting one. But I wanted to extend it a bit.

Quote:
The anxiety of not acting out is kinda hard to express.


You will make great progress in your recovery when you see NOT acting out with happiness and pride, rather than with anxiety and a feeling like you're missing out on something. If you are still feeling anxiety by not acting out, this is because it is still a behaviour that you are avoiding...even though you secretly want to do it. Or, you actually don't want to do it, so you focus on not doing it...which ironically causes you to focus on it. This is still based in avoidance, rather than behaving in a way that is consistent with your life vision and values. Stop thinking about porn and just focus on how you want to live your life. When you make this switch, you will not see "not acting out" as something that creates anxiety, but rather a source of pride, a knowledge that you're acting in the best interest of your ongoing stability and the life you want to build for yourself.

To use your car analogy (and alter it slightly), porn is like a car that looks like a Ferrari from the outside...but when you go and sit in it, turn it on, and rev it...the engine starts smoking, the wheels fall off, and the gas tank explodes. After making it out alive, you feel ashamed of yourself, guilty for blowing up your dad's car...and you know that it wasn't in your best interest...but you go back to staring at the Ferrari from a distance...knowing that inside, it's actually a Pinto that will explode...but hey, it looks good from a distance, doesn't it? And if you FORCE yourself not to stare at it, you still constantly think about just how great it might look. Eventually, the anxiety is too much, and you end up going and trying to start it again...and keep getting burned.

Next to that Ferrari in the same garage is a Lexus that you have been building from scratch (in this metaphor, your life vision and values :ex: ). The engine isn't quite put together yet, there's some panelling missing, and the interior is still a work in progress ...but you're slowly putting it together from the core (and working on doing it right), even though the Ferrari is sitting right next to it. Avoiding looking at the Ferrari has taken your attention away from actually putting together the Lexus. But you know that if you just focus on putting the Lexus together, you'll end up with a solid car that actually runs smoothly and will take you where you need to go. Instead of trying to NOT look at the Ferrari, you focus on working on the Lexus...and soon, you're adding more and more parts, and it's looking better and better every day. Eventually, you've finished the car, get in and drive away...and you don't even want to look at the Ferrari anymore, because you know that your Lexus is a whole car, and not empty and superficial. At this point, you'd rather drive the Lexus (and pay attention to the Lexus) instead of look at the Ferrari.

To leave the metaphor, once you start to get glimpses of a healthy life, you will look back at porn and realize how empty it really is. You will see its effect on your life...and compare it to the healthy fulfillment you get from your values...and there will be no contest as to what you choose. You will no longer be filled with fear and anxiety...because you will no longer want it as part of your reality. But again, this can't be built by focusing on avoiding the problem. It must be built by working on strengthening your values, and behaving and thinking in the way you want to.

Anyways, I hope this helps. I quite like that metaphor :ex: . Mind if I post it in the Community Forum? Let me know!

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 5:44 pm 
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Posts: 168
Hi forwardthinker.

Thanks for the reply. Sure you can post.

About the anxiety metaphor. When I was writing it I was thinking of time when I was acting out all the time, and the very early stages of "recovery", when I just felt pressured into. But yeah that's how I felt more or less every time. . For now I must tell you I hate that car and it does get crashed at the end of my story :) But from your analogy I see that I still might be to focused on not doing it and looking at the car as a Ferrari that will hurt me instead of a shiny piece of crap that will hurt me. I've never really liked Ferraries anyway :).Thanks again, your reply really did made me think. I do need to focus more on working on the Lexus. It doesn't have to shine, as long as the engine is good. And I can take pride in it because it's mine.

Thanks


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 5:45 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 35


a) Today I'm going to look for opportunities to work on my college degree. Get some writing down or at least go through some material.

I choose this, because I'm trying to get it finished for so long now, but I keep postponing doing work on it.
I'm going to post it on my computer.

b)
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means .

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Question #5 How has the relationship with my girlfriend been over the past seven days? What were the good moments that produced meaning to me. Where there any stressful situations? If, how did we handle them.

Questions #6 What has the relationship with my family been like in last 7 days. How did I act, How did my parents act? Have I done anything to make it better?

Question #7 How did my work go over the last 7 days? Did I get enough of it done? Did I focus on the areas that were important? Was there anything stressful? Ha did I manage it? What will I do over the next 7 days?

Question #8 Did I live healthy over the past 7 days? Did I eat healthy? How much have I exercised?


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 2:17 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 36

I An ex girlfriend of my friend was flirting with me. Knowing that flirting with her could endanger my relationship with my friend, I flirted with her, which eventually led into us having sex.

II If I somehow get into contact with pornographic material or any explicit sexual imagery by chance in my environment like see a magazine on the street or something, I will remove my self from the situation at once and tell my partner what I have just seen.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:57 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 37

I will strengthen my relationship with my partner

Rule #1 I will absolutely honest with my partner at all times, without omissions.
Rule #2 When I'am struggling with something, I will share it with my partner and ask her for help instead of trying to solve it myself.
Rule #3 My partner has the right to doubt me. I will not get angry or disappointed.
Rule #4 I will always share where I'am going and who I'am spending my time with.
Rule #5 When my partner is struggling I will do everything I can to comfort and help her.

When I start something I will make sure I finish it

Rule #1 I will not let unprioritized work or hobbies interfere with what I set myself to get accomplished
Rule #2 I will set a plan for every day, and review how I finished it at the end of the day.
Rule #3 I will not let myself get demotivated if I'am trying but I'am not doing so well.
Rule #4 I will not be trying to entertain my self, with tv or games, if I haven't done any work
Rule #5 I will strive for quality and not just trying to finish something as fast as I can.


I will get fit and make sure I stay fit

Rule #1 I will find time to exercise, at least 6 times a week
Rule #2 I will not drink any sweeten drinks.
Rule #3 I will not eat after 6'o clock
Rule #4 I will not eat junk food, even if people around me do, but I do reserve the right to eat pop corn, even in the evening
Rule #5 I will avoid eating carbs. I will not not mix them with protein, until I achieve my desired weight.

Absolute boundaries

I will not do anything I wouldn't be comfortable telling my partner.
I will treat others as I would like to be treated.
I will not do anything that would hurt anybody. Emotionally or physically.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 8:04 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 38

My partner could just get fed up with me, which would danger my value. The existing boundaries probably wouldn't enough, I could add a rule

Talk with her how she feels about our relationship and our future.

But still if she wouldn't want to continue, it's beyond my control.

Or we would get into an argument when we would both feel like we have a valid point. I don't know what I could do here, because I know she would never budge.

My value of finishing what I had set myself to do, could be in danger if friends or someone would invite to a trip or something, when I should be doing something. I think the rules would be enough, maybe just adding:

rule: Leisure activities will not interfere with my work.

It could also be in danger if I found out that the finishing of the goal won't be possible on the current path I am taking. I'll need a rule:

Rule: I will take a step back and drop the work on the current path that will not be possible to finish the goal.

The value of staying healthy would be in danger in a situation of being on holidays, when everyone is just chilling and eating and drinking to much.
I feel like the rules are sufficient, but I will need to take extra care to avoid falling into a trap.

It could also be in danger in a situation when I'm feeling depressed and I could turn to food for comfort. I'll add a rule:

Rule: When feeling depressed I'll try to make myself feel better by exercising instead of eating.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 11:32 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Lesson 40
Boundaries of others
1.I'm gonna think about my girlfriend. I realise she had her boundaries deepy distorted over the time she was with me becouse of my addicition and she's only just trying to rebuild them. I should talk to her about the key priciples she wants to live her on. She has been telling me a lot lately  I should respect that she has her boundaries, even if they are different than mine and not try to change them. Realize that the make her a unique person. Be proud of her that she has strong boundaries, becouse they make her a strong person. If I notice that she is thinking about shifting or susspending a boundary ask her if she really wants to do it. (Thinking of her contemplating about eating meat. Like that's gonna happend )

2. If I realised that I had violated a boundary of hers, the first thing I should do is deeply apologise. Think about why I did it. If it happened becouse I missunderstood her boundary, ask her to explain her boundary more. If that was not the case and I did it just for some selfish reason, than I would just be a jerk. In that case I should tell her why I did it, or what I had to gain from it. I guess try to talk to her and try to work something out that it wouldn't happend. Make a plan for myself, to protect her boundary.
3. If she told me I violated her boundary that I was aware of, I should be honest, appologise to her. Tell her that I was being selfish, what I had to gain from violating it. In any case I should ask her to tell me more about her boundary, how much it means to her, how it makes her feel, that it was violated, how much it means to her that she has the boundary respected. Think about what steps I have to take in order to protect her boundary and not violate it again. Think about what boundaries I should change in myself not to let it happen again.


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