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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 5:06 pm 
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Posts: 665
Hi onTheRoad,

It is good to hear that no one harmed themselves. It seems like you stabilized, so now would be a good time to analyze your scenario.

Quote:
My girlfriend went on a drink with her friends yesterday. I went to hang out with some of my fiends. I came to see them and then I saw they were watching a movie. It was a really fucked up movie, some latin western depicting various rape scenes, nudity and a naked young boy. I felt horrible. Everything was so violent that it really hurt me to the core. I felt horrible that I have ever enjoyed sex in so depraved ways. I don't know why I haven't left as soon as I saw what kind of shit we are watching. But I stayed and continue to watch it. Seriously I was so disturbed, I think it turned me away from any kind of sexual acting more than anything. When my girlfriend was finished I went to pick her up and I told her what happened. To her watching this was the act of ultimate betrayal, she now hates me and the whole world more than anything. In her words she wants to destroy my life and then kill herself, and she'd take the whole world down if she could. She told me I'am the biggest monster in the world. I really did't think enough about her and how she'd feel about it. But for me this wasn't acting out. I didn't enoy what I saw, I was hurt and wanted to cry. I really love my girlfriend, she just means everything to me. A future life with her was the only reason I wanted to keep on living. And now that's gone.


From a recovery standpoint, the main issue here I can see is basically that you didn't make a decision based on your life vision.

Quote:
For me the incident really wasn't acting out or any kind of ritual. There were no steps that usually happened. Nor did I feel any kind of emotional stabilization or pleasure.


In terms of being stimulated by it, my guess is: you were stimulated. Otherwise, you wouldn't have stayed to watch it. Now, remember, stimulation does NOT have to be positive. It does not have to be enjoyable in all aspects. It merely has to be intense. Guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, etc. can all lead to intense emotions that, while not entirely enjoyable, still are exciting at some level. And in this case, in terms of the decision-making process, the stimulation you got from watching this was more intense than the stimulation you thought you'd get from leaving. Whether or not that was due to what you were watching or perceived pressure about what your friends would think of you for leaving is important to think about, but ultimately irrelevant in terms of the situation. You made the decision based on your immediate emotions, rather than your values.

Now, I believe you when you say this was not acting out. But even behaviours that are not part of a compulsive ritual or "acting out" can still be unhealthy. What this should show you is that you don't have to be "acting out" in terms of following a compulsive ritual in order to reap severe consequences from your actions....you just have to not be thinking about those consequences. Go back to lesson 50 and really think about this...BOTH emotions-based and values-based decisions have positive and negative consequences...but generally, there are more positives and more stability to values-based decisions.

The main problem here I can see with your thinking is that you are not thinking about your actions in the context of your rest of your life...rather, you're still seeing them in the immediate moment. This is something that affects a lot of people...I'm no different. But to make the "next step" so to speak, it's important when confronted with a scenario like this to run it by your values. Run it by the rest of your life. Your decision should conform with the person you see yourself as.

Construct an action plan. This can be specific to the situation, and also general...for any situation where you might find yourself feeling pressured by a desire to fit in socially. Figure out an action plan for what to do, including considering the consequences of all your decisions. Then visualize it so you can imagine yourself carrying it out if your find yourself if this scenario again, and that you always choose the healthy option, no matter the immediate emotional response or immediate consequences (ie. social pressure).

Your girlfriend has the right to respond to this however she wants (barring an drastic action...as I said before though, if she becomes an active danger to herself, you must intervene)...and based on your history with addiction, it should be understandable why she would think this would be you acting out. What you shouldn't do is (if this comes up again) continue to insist that this wasn't acting out. She'll only assume you're lying. A better response is to take full responsibility (if you haven't done so already). It would be better to say something like "I fully admit I made a terrible decision to stay there instead of leaving. It was wrong of me to stay there, I apologize, and I am going to use that experience to learn where I can make healthier decisions in the future." And that's it. She could respond in a variety of different ways, but however she does, move forward with your head held high. There is no better way of taking responsibility for your actions and making it up to her than ensuring that it never happens again.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2011 5:57 am 
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Posts: 168
Hi forwardthinker,

thanks again for all the replies. Again you made me understand the situation more clearly. I see that the decision was totally based on emotions. The guilt, shame and anxiety have stimulated me, I just really couldn't see at the time, plus the feeling of wanting to fit in. I was really not thinking about the consequences, how it might affect the rest of my life and my girlfriends emotions. The decision I made was terrible, I've admitted it to my girlfriend. The whole scenario was terrible and it showed me that I'm really not as skilled in decision making as I would like to be. I do believe I've learned a bit from the situation, as horrible as it was. A really general action plan I need to implement would be as I find myself experiencing intense emotions, step away and isolate the emotions and run the situation through my values, my life vision and think about the consequences regarding me and the people I love. I also need to work a lot on identifying the situations I feel the desire to fit in socially. I could always see the in retrospect, but had a hard time as it was happening. The important thing in identifying such a situation is so I can set the desire to fit in aside and run the situation through my values.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 12:41 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 54

A. In the past months I've trying to get fitter and healthier and mostly loose weight. I exercise and try to eat less. The negative consuquences for eating less and not sweet or fatty foods are not tasting the food that was so delicious to me, while I am eating, not expiriencing emotional relief by eating, not getting high/tired from over eating. For the excercises, I have less time to do other stuff, get tired, have to spend a lot of energy focusing on it.
B. I watched I movie with some friends that was really too sexualy explicit. The positive consequences, were that I felt like a part of the group, I expirienced some intense negative emotions, that were accually stimulating me, probably from becouse I wanted to expirience the guilt and shame.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 12:59 pm 
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Posts: 168
Hi, coach.

I'am doing ok. I know I've gotten kinda lazy with my lessons. I was a bit preoccupied with work, but I really don't want to make excuses, it's time I post some more. Been working on my health though, thinking about recovery, going to therapy and working on healthy means of stress management like exercise. I've been talking to my partner a lot and we believe our communication has improved recently. I still screw up though. I've recently had a fight with my partner because I was still friends with a girl a fooled around on facebook, after my partner asked me to remove all contacts, but I was just to lazy to make sure they are all gone. I'm pushing on being more responsible.

Thanks for the reply


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 1:47 pm 
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Lesson 59


I'm going to expand a bit on my plan involving internet porn and mastrubation.

First I need to consider a situation a start thinking about watching porn and mastrubating.
When I realise this is happening I call my girlfriend, talk to her about the stress I am expiriencing. Looking for her to comfort me. I realise that it might be painfull for her but I realise we both need this to happen. Think about what is making me expirience the urge, how I have gotten out of emotional balance. Next go exercise. If it doesn't help go outside. If I'm still thinking about it call my girlfriend or someone else again. Go work on something, that I find enjoyable or wish to learn. Go socalize. Go to RN, or read about urges. I guess that would be the response on all stages. I guess I would still be expiriencing some sort of stress or discomfort that drove me to the urge. Probably like stress and dispair. I would need to remind myself to keep focused, to live my life in a way I can be proud of myself and my descisions. I could try to talk myself into the ritual by telling myself that I'm not going to hurt anyone if nobody finds out. That I'm not going to do anythink and it's ok to toy with the idea of it..

Next would be the situation when I start fantasizing about porn or sexual images.
The response would be the same. If I've already started to fantasize, I would have escaped my initial stress and discomfort to some extend, but I would now feel the pressure to start mastrubating or watching porn. I would need to remind myself where it's leading me, all the hurt I've caused and how alone I've felt all the time I was acting out. Again I could talk myself into it as before. Nobody will get hurt if I keep it hidden. I'm not relly doing anything and so on.

I realize that I'm watching porn on a computer or somewhere, but not mastrubating.
The response and the lingering emotions would be the same, but I would also expirience the pressure to mastrubate and orgasm. Again I would need to remind myself I do not want to be on that path and I will regret it. I would feel pressure that I have already failed, and would need to deal with my failure, so I would wan't to continue the ritual just to escape my responsibility for a bit more. I would need to tell myself to quit the all or nothing thinking and quit and do less damage. I could further talk myself into the ritual by telling myself that the damage has already been done and it wouldn't make much difference to finish the ritual.

I'm mastrubating but not watching porn.
Mostly the same as the previous one. But I could talk myself into it by telling myself that it's ok to mastrubate, that everyone does it and should be allowed to. Would need to remind myself that my approach to mastrubation was totaly unhealthy. I would need to call my partner and talk to her.

I realise I'm watching porn and mastrubating for some time.
The same as the previous ones, except here I would probably feel like I've completly failed and might as well finish. I could remind myself that stoping the ritual would mean that I have taken at least a little step back towards health and away from full blown relapse.

I've watched porn and I'm thinking of hiding it.
I've failed. I would be afraid to share it with my partner, what it would do to her and our relationship. I might feel the pressure to hide it not take responsibility for it. I would need to remind myself that it would eat me forever and I could never relax, always afraid if my partner would find out about it. I've talked to her and she says she would understand a slip if I were to talk to her and I trully belive her. I know it might hurt her, but it would be the only way to save our relationship, and save her from a humugus amount of hurt and loosing her mind. Plus hiding it would mean that I am continuing with the compulsive chain and it is just a matter of time before I act out again, and my life totaly spirals out of control.

Considering this ritual would be most common if I found myself alone for long periods of time and under a lot of stress. Prior to anticipating such a situation I would need to talk to my partner about the threats that could arose. Talk a lot with her while I'm alone and review afterwards.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2011 4:20 pm 
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I've been failing in helping my partner deal with her trauma and should I say forgive me... I've done some empty gestures, but I realize I haven't done much to really reach out to her. She has to constantly remind me what she needs from me, I try to put some effort into it at such times, but fall out of it soon. I don't know I guess I never learned compassion and empathy. I'm trying to get a grasp of it but it seems I'm far from it. I've always dealt with conflict by waiting for it to go away and on some subconscious level I expect this time to be the same, while I know that it can't be resolved this way. I've been talking to my therapist about it but all he seems to be interested in is how I feel and how I can achieve peace and balance. The lessons here too only deal with how I can help myself... I guess my partner is getting fed up with it..


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 1:59 pm 
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Lesson 60

List of symptons that I am struggling in life.

I am feeling crancky and nervous all the time.
I am overeating.
I am drinking or/and smoking too much or have the desire to do so.
I am playing too much video games.
My relationships with parents/friends are detiriorating.
I am not excercising.
I am not sharing my life, lying.
I am not keeping my promises.
I am not taking care of my personal hygine or clean up the apartment.
I am avoding meaningfull conversations.
I am not sharing my emotions, getting pasively agresive, being resentfull.
Sleeping too long.
Avoding social interactions.

List of events that would create emotional imbalance in my life.

Lossing my girlfriend.
Fights with parents or friends.
Loosing a job.
Death of a loved one.
Me hurting someone like in a car accident or something.
Failing at job, like not finishing a project.
Being betrayed or should I say screwed up by a buissness partner, not getting payed or getting a contract.

Action plan.
First thing I need to do as I realize that I am out of balance is think about what has drowe me to imbalance. Next thing to do is think and reevaluate my life goals. Think about my reasons for imbalance and how to tackle them, think of how the reasons are interfering with reaching my goals. Construct a day to day plan of activities that will help me get back to balance. Think of all the things that bring meaning into my life and all the things I wish to derive meaning from. Think of all the obstacles in reaching my goals. Folow my plan.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 3:17 pm 
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Posts: 168
Some thoughts on my vision
This whole spiritual thing didn't really go as I've planed, probabily becose it was just too general. Well I've said will meditate daily and think of my emotions, but I really didn't have a true plan or picture of myself doing it. Now I will say I will connect to my spirituality by sticking with my beliefs, that everything in nature is connected and everyone and everything influences one another. Basicaly I will look to providing positive influences. I will play a big role in my descison making, where I will think of how my descisons will affect myself, others and the nature around me. I realise that there can rarely be only positives outcomes on every descion made, but I will focus on the positive consequences on my loved ones and my relationship with them. I will respect nature, where I will try to minimaze my negative influences on nature, like consuming less fosil fuels, less plastic, reusing and recycling as much as I can, even try to consume less meat.
I will try to construct a good relationship with my family, well mostly parents and grandparents. The thing is that over the last years I have gotten really out of touch with my parents and I am trying now to be more relaxed with them and talk to them more. But the thing is they are really manipulative as well, especially my mom, she is just an emotional blackmailer and really still treats me as I little child. So I will work on opening more to them , but I will demand that they treat me with some sort of respect and as an adult, not just their baby.
As friends are concerned I will try to strengthen my relationship with the ones that I know have always been true friends of mine. I will not keep people close to me just too seem popular, and have never been close or any good to me. I will also look to open myself some more and try to get some new friends.
In profesion I will try to do the best job I can, but I also want to learn a lot of new stuff, that really interest me. First of all I really need to finish my diploma, I've been working on it forever. Then I really want to make computer games, may seem funny to some, but making it is seriusly hard engening. So I really want to get a lot better at 3d stuff, modeliring, animation, etc.., learn new programing languages like Java and C# and work with game engines especialy Unity3d.
I've gotta keep healthy too. That means eating healthy, a lot of vegetables, less meat, especialy less red meat. I'm still in my twenties and I've seriusly screwed up my stomach with unhealthy food so, it's really important. Need to keep fit, doesn't really matter how. The best thing would be getting out and doing sports with friends, like skateboarding and stuff, been playing basketball lately, but if that doesn't go exercise by myself. Make sure I spend a lot of time outside in the nature..
The last but the most important thing is my relationship with my girlfriend. She's been the best and I really love her, but I realise I've really hurt her in the past with my selfish attitude. So the first thing help her get through it. Really talk to her, ackowledge and truely appologize for the ways I've hurt here. Work on building our intimacy. I guess I've never reall been intimate with her in the past in the sense of sharing my thought, emotions and fears.. So connect with her, share myself with her and make her feel as special as she is. Really go trough life together with her, as an responsible partner, get things done and not put all the responsibility on her, everything here, from general stuff like cleaning to recovery. Plan a future with her, based on both our wishes, a future where we can enjoy and love each other. Talk to her. I guess we will always have some sort of fights, all the relationships have them, but if we really learn to talk to talk to each other we can get to know oneanother better and really make our relationship better. Live our lives together, not focus on insignificant fights, but on building a better future. Love her and make shure she knows it.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:27 pm 
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The most likely situation I might face relapse would probably be my girlfriend leaving me, I would probably feel depressed, alone and like I had no to talk to, I could never really talk about important things with my friends or family. I might feel like it's impossible to achieve my life vision and my life goals, or any kind of happiness from healthy means, so with all the stress could revert to unhealthy compulsive behavior.

Something could also happen if I lost closeness with my girlfriend and we both drifted further apart, not sharing our lives, not feeling like I can trust her with my problems and I would bottle everything inside me.

I could loose my job I guess and not feel support from my girl, again I would feel alone and like I had no to turn to.

An unlikely situation would be her loosing all interest in me and finding someone else. I would feel betrayed, probably angry by basically the only person I really made a connection to. Life would probably feel really hopeless.

Well the plan could work, but I would probably need to reevaluate my life goals a lot, make new healthy ones. A really important thing to consider would be to have the motivation to again to live a healthy life, to have faith in myself and some self esteem to live a life I can be proud of.

I know all the scenarios involve my girlfriend, but I have really committed my life to our relationship lately and if it would fall apart my life could really shatter. I understand it really not cool to really put it all on the relationship and I guess responsibility on her, but these are definitively the scenarios that would rock my boat the most. And I know I said that I would have no one to talk to, that's not really true, been going to therapy lately and the therapist would be there for me and would help a lot.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 9:01 am 
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Posts: 168
My weekly monitoring during the last months has besically consited of these questions.

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage--how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means .

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?

Question #5 How has the relationship with my girlfriend been over the past seven days? What were the good moments that produced meaning to me. Where there any stressful situations? If, how did we handle them.

Questions #6 What has the relationship with my family been like in last 7 days. How did I act, How did my parents act? Have I done anything to make it better?

Question #7 How did my work go over the last 7 days? Did I get enough of it done? Did I focus on the areas that were important? Was there anything stressful? Ha did I manage it? What will I do over the next 7 days?

Question #8 Did I live healthy over the past 7 days? Did I eat healthy? How much have I exercised?


The first four are kinda general, but I think they produced meaning to me,helped me evaluate my emotional stability and kept me focused on the areas I want to get meaning from, so I would definetly keep them. The fifth one is really important as I want to connect to my girlfriend and build up closness to her, that I guess was never really there from me. But I couldn't really say it was adequate, as I was kinda naive at the time and really didn't have an idea how to connect. For now I would add. What have I done to help her heal? Have I initiated conversation about how she is feeling, how she is coping with the trauma, how is our relationship going. Have I been brave enough to speak about my troubles, and seek intimacy with her?
The sixth one kinda lost importance as at the time I really wanted to brake away from their emotional manipulation and was kinda hard at the time, but I feel they got used to it, but still I want to have a good relationship with them. I'll just add Have I stood up for myself and demanded they treat me as an adult?
I was working pretty hard for the past moths so I'll just restructure it a bit. Did I push myself into stressfull situations at work? How soon I found myself stressed? How did I handle it? Did I work on my diploma last week?
For the last one, I think I did ok in the last months, I lost I lot of weight, ate way less sweet and fatty foods and worked out regulary, so I guess I could drop it for the moment, but I will need to keep an eye on myself to see if I'am not getting lazy and start to monitor it again.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 2:42 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 64
The skills I worked hard to developed would be firstly knowing myself and my emotions, how I situations affect me, how I deal with world. Accepitng myself and being honest with myself and others. I know my girlfriend might disagree but I am working hard to understand her, how she got hurt and how she feels and really be there for her and help her get trough the trauma. I've also worked hard on my descision making skills in makind descisions I can be proud of. The skills of understanding my girlfriend and her feelings being there and comforting definetly need extra work. For most of my addiction life it really felt like it was just a part of me, something I did rutinely, not really thinking about it. Now I feel it was a pattern I developed to help me hide away from my problems and the world. My compulsive rituals really kept me in a state of comfort, kept me from never moving forward or atempting change, I was kept out of the world or wanted to just close my self in a cocoon. If the rituals came back it would probably feel like the world has dissapeared, at least for the moment, as problems would start to pile up I would start hating the world and feel a huge amount of resentment for it, I would constantly try to get to my rituals that would help me escape the life I didn't enjoy. If anything would keep me away from my rituals or my zone of comfort I would become cranky and resentfull. There aren't really any urges to fight, mainly some flashbacks that really feel like a nuasance. As of recovery work I probably don't really do enough as I am working on these lessons for months now, so I guess I would like to just live my life but there is still so much to deal from my addiction. As I was in additiction I totaly felt like I was really just hyper sexual, like I had an unnatural amount of sexual energy I needed to release, but now I see it was just addiction talking. I think now I desire healthy sexuality but I don't get frustrated if go for a couple of days without it. I think my value system is ok. It can totaly lead me to balance, the problem is I wasn't always successfull in folowing it, but I guess if I can maintain and evolve it I will be ok.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 1:10 pm 
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Lesson 67

I guess I was involved with a few addictions in the past. Along side sex addiction I was smoking marihuana way too much, to the point of addiction. I don't smoke it now and I am not planing to for some moths, becouse I promised I will abstain from it for a year to my girlfriend. I don't really thing it's a problem now, as I really don't get any cravings or anything, but after that we agreed to smoke it causualy from time to time, becouse we both like it on a moderate base. I was parting and drinking quite a lot for a long time too, nowadays we go out every one or two moths and I really don't have the energy to get drunk all the time. I also used amphetamines from time to time, but I don't ever plan to again, I don't think it could cause a problem, as I never missed them. I guess I was overeating too, for a large part of my life, now I am getting in shape and am mindfull of my diet. One other thing I could be watchfull for is playing videogames, I like them and they could be quite addictive, but I guess they are ok in moderate amounts, like other media consumption.

I didn't involve marihuana in my monitoring, becouse I don't use it at the moment. If/when I will use it would be wise to monitor it's consumption, maybe alongside alcohol. I don't plan to use amphetamines again ever, so I don't plan to monitor them. Overating is addressed in my monitoring as is exercise, it's an important area, I plan to evolve and monitor further. Videogames are kinda adressed in the monitoring area of work, as I observe how much work I do in contrast of leisure activities, I will also ask myself how much time I spend playing games in the last week


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 12:21 pm 
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Lesson 68

Anger ritual.
If I get angry it usualy goes something like this.

1. I want to do/acomplish something
2. I set a goal for myself, like what I want to do in some timeframe
3. I realise something is not going to plan, I lack the tools, I can't achive the plan by the path
4. I see I will not able to finish in the timeframe or as good
5. I get frustrated
6. I try to rush it as it is taking longer than anticipated
7. I start making mistakes, messing everything up as I am rushing it
8. I get further away from my plan, pressured to rush it more
9. I get frustrated more
10. I get angry, usualy at myself, my tools or the lack of them or any people that might be present.
11. I need to cooldown becouse I can't take any more.

When I see I will not be able to finish something the way I initialy thought, I start feeling like a looser and am putting pressure at myself. As I am rushing it I constantly check how close I am to the finish, so if I am getting further, the more frustrated I am. I guess this are the points where I intensify the stimulation.

I 've accually been dealing with my anger and frustration a bit with my therapist lately and already decided that I do need a break as I see I will not complete something the way I initialy thought. Just recognizing that I am in some sort of anger ritual helps a lot becouse I can envison a way that it usualy progressed and it instantly reminds me of my values or at least helps me calm down and helps me accept that I will not be able to progress the way I initialy planed and I go on making a new plan or look to alternatives. I also remind myself that I am not a complete failure if I can't do something perfectly for the first time, that would really be some all or nothing thinking. An important thing I am striving to do is prepare ahead of doing something to minimase the possibility of making an unrealistic goal. Today I made some sushi (for the first time), and I accually read some recipies, while in the past have almost always just tried to wing it. I they turned out ok. I was getting a bit frustrated while roling and cutting them, but I realised I was getting nervous and keep focused and calmed myself a bit.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2012 11:59 am 
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Amends
First of all I feel guilty over the sexual experimentation with neighbours when I was I kid. I feel somewhat responsible as I was the oldest . I'm afraid I could have had influence in somewhat distorting their sexuality, but I don't know I guess it might be somewhat common to a point.. They both got parners and one has I wife and a kid.. I don't really know if I did any damage to them, and I really doubt doing anything about it would benefit them.
Secondly there would be my first two gilfriends, I mostly just used them for sex and showed them little emotion. I guess I've hurt their self esteem, the proably wanted a relationship and I just led them on and then dumped them. Hurt their self esteem and they probably flet like crap. I'm really not proud of the way I acted, but I doubt there is anything I can do.
Then there was I neighbour of mine. I've slept with her once and didn't realy comunicate with her afterwards. We kinda hung out for some moth before and I guess she liked me and wanted a relationship, I didn't really but I still slept with her. I think I've hurt her as she opened up to me while she was expecting a relationship, hoping for something more. I just used her for sex. I guess she was hurt, as I used her when she wanted to reach out and took a chance. She is with a really good friend of mine now and we all hung out. I would feel really better if I appoligized to her, but everything is a bit weird right now. I think they had a good relationship and I am really happy for both of them and I really don't want to mess anything up.
Here is tough one, my previous gf. I was really crappy to her. I realy acted crappy toawrds her, never gave her any kindness or respect, acted like a total jerk, accually hoping she would break up with me as had no guts to do so. She really stuck with me for a long time. The most awful thing I did was touching her and taking pictures of her when she was really drunk and didn't know what was happening and never telling her about it. She still doesn't know. I am on really bad terms with her. As she violated my privacy and spied on my mail and facebook for years after we were apart, hurting my current gf as she send me really private stuff. I know I've done terrible things to her, I doubt I could help her. I would like a conversation with her to really talk about everything but I think she doesn't really want that.
My current gf is probably the one I have done the most damage to and I wonder how she is still with me, I guess she really loves me. We were together once before and I dumped her. A couple of days before I wanted to cheat on her with a former gf of mine who is a realy sleaps around a lot (or should I say a big SA) and has like no respect ever. I still had some contacts with her afterwards. She was talking crap about me to my gf and I still talked to her. I know I really her with that as she felt I like my former better than her. I lied countless times to her, first about smoking weed, then all the sex addiction, wich she uncovered and was a real blow to her. I never gave her any love during sex and I know she really desired it. All the time I just wanted feelingless sex and usualy made her feel worthless or had made remarks about my exes making her feel like they were better. Coutlentless times I watched porn and mastrubated instead of making love to her and with all the porn I watched when she wasn't around I know she really had a tough time. She had to compare herself to porn, wich was nothing pleasant like transexuals, sm etc. When she learned about my problems I was lying to her a lot, refusing to be honest,saying I was better, relapsing, lying to her again, to the point she lost all hope and self esteem. She became really nervous, withdrew from everybody, lost contact with her family and friends, she has a lot of trouble feeling loved, relaxed, making love, is nervous all the time about me, if I am being honest with her. She felt terrible lots of times, we fought and all her family and my and her friends think that she is being a bitch and I am cool. There is ton of situations I've hurt her more.
She is the one I really need to make amends to. I have to help her heal any way possible.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 9:32 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Haven't posted in a while. I've kinda been fooling myself that I've been doing great, but I am starting to realize that I still have a way to go before being healthy. Especially in the terms of open communication and openness. I know I didn't really share my thoughts and troubles with my partner, but a couple of weeks a had a real slip in denying something was troubling me. I had a lot of talks with my partner and my therapist lately about opening up and trusting. I guess I didn't really trust my girlfriend and way afraid of what she might feel about me if I shared everything was troubling me. I realize now that this too was some sort of dual identity where I tried to appear somewhat different than I really am. After the talks I think I am finally starting to trust my girlfriend and I am not so afraid to share anymore. I am sharing what I am thinking about and I found out that she really wants to be on my side and want's to help me event if I am not yet totally trigger free. And I feel better too. It feels like I am letting go of some of the burden on my back.

There also something else troubling me. Yesterday a friend of mind showed me a video of a project he is building at work on his phone and suddenly I see porn playing at the back and I just froze up still holding the phone in my hand. I asked him what is that and turned it towards him but I just stayed shocked for some time. I was incapable of communicating how strange and shocking I found it. I am still shocked that a bunch of guys working on technology is watching porn all day and it seems normal to them. I guess I haven't visualized the situations when porn or the topic of it comes out when I am with people. I always just froze up and don't know what to say. I guess I still feel so much shame from my use of it and am afraid to condemn others. Need to visualize such situations and build up self esteem...


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