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 Post subject: Trusted Again & Burned
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 9:43 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:56 pm
Posts: 2
I was shattered and traumatized Mar 17, on my 10year anniversity, when I discovered the past 2.5yrs of our life was a lie. My story is a bit different from ya'lls but all the feelings are the same and I haven't been coping well to find out my life has been a Lie for the 2nd time! I REmarried my husband in 2010 after divorcing him in 2008 and finding out our first marriage and life was a lie. I thought our 2nd marriage was going to be different b/c he worked through his issues, pulled himself together: he quit drinking, smoking, kept his word, was honest (or so I thought), pampered me, made amends, worked out, ate fruits and veggies (which is something I used to have to nag for when we went grocery shopping), was accountable with friends and family, went to Therapy for 9 months, even checked himself into a Psych Ward for a few days before he started therapy b/c he was suicidal from losing me, we go to at least 1 marriage retreat a year and he WORKED hard to win me back. I've got high standards and didn't cut him any slack but after SEEING all this and after 18 months I allowed myself to believe in him again; thinking we’d be a family and he’d never put me or himself through the pain of infidelity again. He also shared his past childhood sexual abuse history with me, etc. I thought we worked through all this SHIT and we were a success story, though we never called it Sex Addiction; instead it we called it Alcoholism, PTSD, and Infidelity as those were his diagnosed issues. Friends & family would tell us how lucky we were as they knew a lot (but not all) of our journey...

In hindsight, I’m not sure WHEN my husband started slipping but to use Sex Addiciton terminology I guess he 'white knuckled' it, then started back by 'rewarding' himself for being Faithful, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I allowed him to move back into my house (the one I kept in the divorce) in Sept 2008 (I'd kicked him out in Jan 2008 and he started getting help in Mar 2008). He SAYS it was Oct/Nov 2009 that he ‘relapsed’ as we only started looking at his fucked-up-life-choices as an addiction last month. This is devastating to me as it was within a week or two of his vasectomy reversal, the last item on my list of things he needed to do if he wanted to be a family with me. Turns out after he accomplished this (or before for all I know) he started being ‘fuckbuddies’ with a female at work. He used work email and phone and met her only when I worked late or was out of town- so he was super careful about it and set it up so I’d never know. Indeed, I didn’t. A couple weeks after he started this affair he bought my engagement ring, we took a family vacation to Disney World (where in hindsight I recall feeling disconnected but thought it was my own fear of recommitment) and in Jan. he re-proposed to me. It was half-assed so I returned the ring and said no after initially saying yes when he proposed in front of others. In hindsight that half-assed proposal demonstrated he’d quit thinking about what I wanted, but I was still on my high of happiness over the vasectomy reversal and thinking we’d actually made it and was going to be a family! The MINUTE I let my guard down and started to Trust he began stabbing me in the back again!!! WHY the fuck propose? Then, he proposed again a couple weeks later and put some work into making it special. It felt a bit fake to me but again, I thought it was because I had asked him to ‘redo’ it and ‘surprise’ me to make me feel special. I guess you can never go back in life and I was trying to recapture feeling special, still. Perhaps that is the hook for me, trying to make the last 10years of lies, selfishness and narcissism mean something as accepting I was just used is too painful.
We remarried and even had a Vow Renewal in Cancun with a few close friends and family in 2010. By that point he SAYS he’d been intimate with this woman from work 2-3x and then again 2x before we moved in Dec 2010 to another state. Mar 2011, when I went to get pregnant via IVF in another state (due to HIS vasectomy reversal being on ly partially successful as I can get pregnant with anyone) and went through the difficult fertility process, which is emotionally and physically exhausting my husband RESTARTED his affair with his work fuckbuddy via a fake FB, yahoo account and finally Skype account. By this time the old keylogger program I’d installed in 2008 had expired and I didn’t renew it after we married because it was a way of demonstrating Trust and Hope for the future instead of looking at the Past all the time. Well…he took it to mean he could slip back into his old ways and besides emotionally and camsex connecting with this woman he started several other online affairs. He also met up with at least 3 other females to have sex (1x each supposedly) while out of town or I was out of town.
THIS time, I didn’t discover his fake alias as I did in our first marriage. I had thought he cheated in our first marriage due to his past abuse/was retraumatizing himself based on the little I read before he unplugged the computer AND because of his drinking/ not having sober mind. THIS time I could FEEL his distance and wrote him a letter explaining I hadn’t caught him but felt ‘it’ and that we should go our own ways, but this time please do NOT tell me to clear your conscious and try to get back together once we have separated/divorced. THIS time he chose to come clean and tell me some stuff and I forgave him…until the next day when more stuff came out and I got his fake accounts and could see what was written/when it started/etc. THEN I realized the extent of his lying THIS time and realized he was / is the same shitbag-bastard EXCEPT he’d planned ahead and got me pregnant so that “I wouldn’t leave him” because he couldn’t stand the thought of me moving on in life and having a life and family with someone else after our first divorce. WTF? I feel disgusted to be pregnant (after my 2nd IVF attempt) because in reading online he RESTARTED his long distance affairs online Mar 2011, on the same day I left for IVF and was scheduling randevous with sluts the day after my miscarriage & D&C last June!! Our baby was being sucked out of me, I was mindless in grief and he was scheduling fuck dates! I feel betrayed as since his vasectomy reversal, my miscarriage and now being pregnant have all been a scam to trap me. I have a LOT to offer and know I am not to blame for his fucked-upness. He should win an Emmy for deceit because he was careful and only even told me when I was about to leave anyway and thinking being ‘honest now’ might win HIM some points. He doesn’t care that the stress the past 6 weeks has made me lose weight and my anxiety is probably hurting the baby as well, but I have guilt over that and wonder if I’m now hurting the baby because I’m not coping better with Betrayal. If I wasn’t pregnant I’d be out the door NOW and would have turned his ass into work to get him fired. However, now I want to make sure he can provide Child Support (he has a great job) and I will stay legally married until after baby is born for financial reasons of my own.
Since moving in Dec 2010 I stayed home to take care of HIS boys, my stepsons, full-time (they are teens) and to get pregnant. The past two weeks I’ve been offered a job (I’ve got my MA so am thankful for my education beyond belief!), sent his boys back to NC to live with their mother (who is as shitty a parent as my husband is but I can’t be responsible for raising his children anymore), and filed for a Legal Separation. We are living together and SINCE sending the boys home he’s ‘started’ recovery but I don’t think he is sincere in anything but not wanting to lose me and not wanting our friends & family to know what a douchebag he is after he’s gotten so much praise the past few years for pulling his life together. He conned EVERYONE and now wants to hide behind the ‘Sex Addict’ label…well, it’s bullshit. Since when can an addict preplan and premeditate affairs? If he’s ‘truly’ an addict wouldn’t he have been less careful? I’m not a stupid woman; he’s just also a smart man and took pains to have his cake and eat it, too.
I’m sharing my story b/c I’m on here for myself, not my marriage. I wish my husband would fucking die so I can be financially taken care of and not have to go through the humiliation of another divorce and explaining to everyone I was a sucker, AGAIN. I lost friendships when I took him back the first time and the friends I have supported ME and eventually came to respect my husband….but now I feel I deceived them as well with my own stupidity by trusting him. I only THANK GOD he’s not a pedophile as that’s the ONLY line he has not crossed and my fear now is (1) he will not get help and eventually cross that line (2) I will have a girl. I filed for full custody and he’s agreed to give it to me as I will NOT allow him access to my child for fear he’ll watch porn while she’s sleeping or GOD KNOW WHAT as his father sexually molested his sister when she was a baby. I am stuck in fear as I’m sifting through all this new and old information that was never processed through and realize my husband is a stranger who has pretended to be my best friend, lover and husband now for a decade. My mistake was in thinking he could change and giving him a 2nd chance. Cheaters are cheaters and only get better. I am 33, 14 weeks pregnant and working toward being a single mom because of MY decision to trust that my husband would change. It has been the single most biggest mistake of my life b/c I know in my heart I’d be married and have a real family with someone else by now had I not wasted the past 4 yrs giving him a 2nd chance!
Oh…so now that he KNOWS he’s a sex addict this is supposed to help? Hmmm….he’s done 4 lessons 5 weeks of hearing of this website and got a hand job at a masseus 2 weeks ago…actions speak louder than words (though he is GREAT with words) and I’m ashamed of him and of being his wife. God help me as I reclaim my life, return to work and learn to be a single mother. God help me get what I put into this marriage financially + be able to get what my husband has promised me to ‘make amends’ so I am financially sound. I’ve given 10years of my life and it’s all a blur of grief and secrets. I want to have a happy life and not be depressed or angry. I deserve that and my Baby deserves to have that, esp. if Daddy chooses to treat him/her as neglectfully as he does his own sons because I’ll be the only parent my child can depend on. This is my story. I don’t know the future but am working up the courage to leave as I am accepting my husband in not capable of true change.


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 Post subject: Exercise 2
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:10 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:56 pm
Posts: 2
I am an interesting, loyal, compassionate, powerful woman with integrity. My life mission is to assist others, which I do in my career. I feel I’ve been led down a path in life and found my calling. Indeed, even the heartache I am suffering now I am determined to turn into spiritual/soulful lessons to improve myself and eventually be able to assist others. I am hardworking, dedicated and believe myself to be in the top 85% of society based on my education, income, dedication and perseverance. My family thinks life has been ‘easy’ for me; it has not. I have struggled financially, with self-esteem and especially betrayal throughout my life. Especially from my father and now my husband. However, my optimistic nature and ability to persevere through trauma allows others to minimize my pain in order to excuse their own inconsideration’s. I am determined to move forward in life and surround myself with family and friends who love and support me with honesty and consideration. I give a lot and see myself refusing to excuse / enable others to continue to be in my life when they don’t pull their own weight. I see myself maintaining the high standards I set for myself and holding others in my life to these same standards. This is the only thing in my life I would change. I am well-traveled, educated, have some amazing and interesting friends around the world (sadly, I live abroad right now so can’t enjoy them except via phone and email) and am about to start a new job that will be an excellent step in my career as I return to work (I haven’t worked the past 17months). I see myself as a Career woman and Single mother but am still unclear where/if my Husband will fit into my life. I will be Legally Separated soon but see myself remaining married until I’m ready to sever that attachment as I truly do love my husband; I just have to love myself and my baby more. I can’t put my health or heart at risk anymore with his infidelity or my sanity at risk anymore with his deceptions. I’d like to be surrounded by a close knit support system of family and friends by Aug 2013 as I hope to Transfer in my new job after I’ve been there a year or so. I AM loved by family and friends but would like to see myself getting emotionally and physically closer to them as I’ve kept myself distant due to husband’s career and personality. At some point, I want to be in a loving, authentic relationship but I cannot see that right now, sadly. It’s just too early in my healing process and this is MY time to focus on me and Baby.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:00 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:25 pm
Posts: 6
I am really feeling ur pain to the upmost level. I too am suffering from a devasting heartbreak and not knowing who my husband truly was. Unlike u I just had the baby when I found out and also found out after were not together due to a stupid restraining order which is prolly a gift from God, that two wks before giving birth he lied about his drive home from Fl and never slept cuz he was texting and talking to prostitutes all nite arranging the hookup on the way home. I knew barely much when I decided to stay and try and wk thru things. He has and will never come clean on anything and now I can't even see or talk to him for a year! It's driving me crazy. But even if he were here, it would b half ass and hardly the truth. He lies to our pastor all the time.'he is just an evil person. I feel bad for him being so messed up but I truly think he is just so evil. Even when he was here Nd supposedly trying to wk on things he was still playing around and cheating and every time I wld ask him for money he said he didn't hv any. He blew thru 4000.00 on strippers and prostitutes in a little over a month. After I found all this out he attacked me for the third time and I called the cops.... Hence the restraining order. Now he's living with one of his female friends, bought a new jeep( even though we owe his fam for the car they gave us) has seen the baby for an hr in a month. He has visitation, but oversleep s. crazy freakin thing is I miss him. Idk why. All he's doin is lying, manipulating friends and family but I do. And I hate it. I hate that everyday I wonder what he's doing, who he's doing and so on. He is carefree and happy and I'm left picking up the fucking pieces of our life, my life, my children's life. He doesn't support at all and it's bn over a month. I can't afford to stay where I am with a 1300 daycare bill each month to wk. not to mention the cost of baby food, wipes and diapers! He doesn't want help or he's scared. The courts at the restraining order hearing ordered him to get help and gv me money. He got it continued for another month. I cry every stupid day. Cuz it hurts. Deep in my heart the betrayal hurts. Every single day. I don't understand how Sumone can go thru life and be so evil and deceitful and lie like its nothing. I'm not undermining ur thoughts and feelings but u r not alone. I promise u. I know how badly u hurt. Honest to God. It seems that no one else does or that their not as empathetic as we wld like. But I am here and I truly understand.


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PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 10:05 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Quote:
Since when can an addict preplan and premeditate affairs? If he’s ‘truly’ an addict wouldn’t he have been less careful? I’m not a stupid woman; he’s just also a smart man and took pains to have his cake and eat it, too.
Planning, deceiving, manipulating is all part of the addiction --it’s about controlling the environment. That said, he may also be an immoral person, or one without conscience, who is making clear choices that are not related to an addiction. The only person who really knows is him.

Quote:
I’m sharing my story b/c I’m on here for myself, not my marriage.
Good. This is as it should be, regardless of your intentions for the relationship.

Quote:
actions speak louder than words (though he is GREAT with words)
Yes they do, and most persons with addiction are great with words as words are a tool used for controlling their environment, for setting things up to serve themselves. Even actions can be deceiving though. The key is consistent, observable behaviours over time are what set true recovery apart from pseudo-recovery.

Quote:
I’ve given 10years of my life and it’s all a blur of grief and secrets. I want to have a happy life and not be depressed or angry.
Fortunately, the directive of the workshop is to help you process the loss, and to build your life on a foundation of values that will allow you to live into your vision. Right now, it is understandable that you have these tumultuous reactive emotions. Know that eventually you will get to a place where you will have say in how things go for you and eventually anger and resentment will become a choice...a goal to live toward that will promote your healing process--and it is a process so it’ won’t be perfect and you will likely experience setbacks. It’s not the problems you face that count, it’s what you do in face of those problems. With that, I welcome you to Recovery Nation.

Excellent job with exercise 2. This will be the platform from which you will continue your vision and values work, so whenever a lesson addresses vision, values, or boundaries, this is what you will refer back to and continue to develop.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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