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PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 2:10 am 

Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 3:20 am
Posts: 2
First, we are here ultimately because of me and many denials over the years, and truly wish to stop doing things that are destructive to our marriage.

After the first exercise, I was surprised at how much I was able to write about, and how frank I was, at least with myself. I know that was the goal, but I find myself torn about the activity, because I know I am far from being well right now, and much of what was put into the letter I do not yet feel as bad about as I believe I am supposed to. The hardest part was bringing up all my destructive thoughts, for it elicited unwanted physical and mental reactions.

We completed the second exercise 2 nights ago, and it was both fun and awkward. Fun for the normal reasons that would be expected (there were many laughs as I brushed her teeth), but still awkward for I feel it is early in this process for us to try something that requires so much dependency and trust. I want to show her how much I care, but cannot determine how receptive she is to it yet, and have no idea how far I can go with it. As for myself, I do believe that the activity was helping me to see her in a different light than the women I view as part of my problem. I feel it is a very good first step, for the person I most need to view as not just a sex object is my wife. I am not saying that that is the only way that I have viewed her since we have been together, or when I have been at my worst, but I have no doubt that it was to a greater degree than it should have been. It was definitely awkward and hard for me at certain moments throughout the evening for there was more closeness in a few hours than there has been in the days she rediscovered that I am far from healed. We are still early on in this process, and I do not feel strong yet, in fact far from it, but I understand the direction this program is trying to take me/us, and I am trying to not get impatient with my own perceived lack of progress. It's just very frustrating. Especially when life cannot stop just because we need to work through this, and we both live very busy lives.

I cannot wait to see what's next in the readings and exercises, for so far the readings especially have been spot on with my thoughts and feelings towards this issue, and I hope that will serve as an indication of what possible affect it can have on me/us in the future.

PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:17 pm 

Joined: Sun Jan 26, 2014 8:11 am
Posts: 1
I found this activity to be valuable, it reaffirmed to me some of the reasons that we are here. My biggest hangup right now is trying not to dwell on the intimacy that I perceive to be lacking from our relationship. Newstart14's addictive behaviors have led him down a selfish and destructive path. I had hoped that this activity would help him begin to see a few things: He has a real-live spouse who loves and cares deeply for him and is willing to do what she can to support us in this journey. This was an opportunity for him to put aside his own needs and focus on mine. I am a firm believer that investing in others is a rich way to invest in yourself. He is capable of showing and sharing the intimacy that he has so adeptly buried over the last year or so. We are so dependent upon each other... this is a fresh start for him, although it may not yet feel real or enough. As we began our evening, I couldn't help but feel that he was merely going through the motions, that it was an assignment, a chore for him to check off his list. At one point he said something like "It says that we're supposed to at a minimum do..." I had sincerely hoped that he would take this activity to heart and allow himself to be nurturing! Despite my skepticism eventually the awkwardness did give way to laughter and enjoyment. :) Yes, we were both awkward, but I feel that toward the end we were successful at it. I needed to let go and let it happen. I needed to stop being so critical that it wasn't perfect from the beginning and let the process unfold. I needed to trust that he does want to work on this and is committed. By the end of our evening, it was working. Similarly, I need to stop mourning our relationship for what it isn't and get to work on what it could be. I need to find the strength to not rush him through this process or snap at him for not being there yet. I need to accept him for where he is while supporting his growth. I need to somehow show him that I am receptive while keeping myself strong. I need to show him that I see his efforts and appreciate them. It is not easy. I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. The trust and the intimacy cannot be healed overnight, but the foundation is there. It's buried, but it is there! Last night, after he wrote his response, and before I wrote mine this morning, he opened up to me on what he is going through. It pains me to see him in so much pain, but I'm hoping that this means that the door to healing has been opened now. I hope that he has been drawn out of this fictitious world that he constructed for himself and immersed himself in. I hope that he truly is allowing himself to see how his choices have affected both his own life and the lives of his family. Reality bites right now, but I am trying so hard to be optimistic. I can't wait to delve into the next part of our therapy. I know I use this phrase a lot, but I HOPE that we can rise above this low in our relationship and motivate ourselves to heal. I miss the real us.

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